I can’t sleep. It is a case of Salvador paranoia. I remember that in my first weeks here back in 1974 I experienced it. If anything I’m even more scared now. The situation here seems even more intense than I remember it. <Sofia has something to do with my greater nervousness, partly because she depends on me, but mostly because she is a very sensitive, very observant person.> She causes me to notice more the suffering and the brutalizing of the people. She is awake & writing too. She just asked if it was possible to leave here before Wednesday the 21st.
Many things have occurred since we boarded the plane December 15th in San Jose. Definitely a bombardment on my disturbingly sluggish mind.
(Continued at 12:45 AM, 12/19/1977)
<I still can’t sleep, and unfortunately I woke up Sofia.> I would like to go walk the streets, but San Salvador is dangerous, especially for a couple.
Chico Rodriguez has made me a job offer, as training coordinator for a soil conservation group. I don’t want the job. <It would be just another tangent from the goals I have set, and a substantial sacrifice for Sofia too.> I’ve decided to say no and no and no, but I haven’t said it. My timidity or lack of character or whatever inhibited me from telling him yesterday.
We were with him most of the day. He took us to La Libertad in his old jeep “commando” in the morning, and then took us out to eat in the afternoon. Is he trying to bribe me? No, he just knows me, knows that if he is around, showing the fact that he’s waiting & hoping, the chances are better I’ll not be able to say no.