Journal, August 4, 1976 AM

A pause
it is all so simple, so obvious
you are not nothing
you are the very next thing
you exist for a moment
(so very wrapped up in that moment)
striving, grasping, trying
all in a moment
and God, eternal life
fools you have no perception

I really was aware yesterday, of the futility that is my life. I was down to not being able to escape the meaninglessness. Finally, to salvage something from the day, I tried to capture that moment of realization when you can’t escape the simple, dismaying truth. We are just biological organisms, advanced yes, but we can’t transcend our animalness. God, we invented him to comfort us and lend meaning to our existence. We call a book His and yet we retranslate and reinterpret it to fit our evolving concept of Him and the universe He created. All very fitting, to be expected.

The full realization of our insignificance is the first step on the road to the comprehension of our significance. We are the “best and brightest” there is, as far as we know. We are capable of seeing ourselves in the scheme of the whole universe. Who else is? Thousands of us dedicate our lives to the gathering and codifying of knowledge about this thing we are a part of. Ha, world & universe are our labels. Who else has labeled reality to such a degree, & debated over its essence?

I pretty well shot yesterday on that pair of pants. I finally got the material in the afternoon. I went into San Salvador with Mario {Chavez} and his mother. We saw the parade of queens and clowns for the August Festival. There were lots of semi-pretty to pretty girls on floats. The Salvadorans get off more on the clowns though. There are always men dressed as women, strutting their stuff like whores. There is an evil king, who is as ugly as he can make himself. There was a black-faced clown also, whose significance, if any, I failed to catch.

Sartre was discussing choice and freedom yesterday, but I only half caught it. What I really want to get to is how he translates his basic postulates into a socialist philosophy.

I was feeling physically queasy and restless yesterday. I think the amoebas had a hand in it. I just kept stuffing food into my body although I wasn’t really hungry (Never gave myself a chance!). Today I will attempt a fast for disciplinary reasons.

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