Letter, May 10, 1975

Dear Jan,

Well I am still in the same old job & still feeling frustrated & restless. However, I am beginning an attitude survey of the plus-or-minus 180 families who could potentially be involved in the relocation part of the project. It is very necessary work & so I will try and stick it out in this job at least until I get that done. I wish I felt more dedicated to my work, but it’s hard to when I am idle so much of the time & when the Salvadorans I work with are mostly concerned with their salaries, living conditions & getting ahead in the world, rather than with helping the poor farmers. I guess that’s the usual case with government employees in the States though too. It really points up the folly of government trying to replace private initiative & do everything itself. I think the government here is afraid of private initiative because it might turn into antigovernment action, so they stifle it & then wonder why development doesn’t progress!

So much for my frustrations! Glad to hear you’ve got a job lined up at the day care center & all; I hope you’re enjoying your work there. I hope I’m still here in January so I can show you around a little if you come (though I won’t stay just for that!), it will all depend on my level of frustration.

I’m happy to hear about your planting the sycamore trees. The farm needs someone to take an interest in its natural beauty, etc. I feel a strong attachment to the farm, also. Sometimes, I think that once I have satisfied my intellectual appetite, or so frustrated myself trying to, that I’d just like to settle down on a farm & just try to raise good cows & crops. It would be a very emotionally satisfying life for me. I couldn’t do it yet though, my intellectual curiosity keeps me restless – searching for the “real answers” about our existence, etc. I either have to find out enough of them (however I may subjectively define them) or else convince myself it’s beyond my intellectual capacity to do so, before I can sort of mellow out & take life as it comes.

I guess Belle will have to hang on another year so she can have her heifer & die in peace (I’m sure she gives a damn!). Whew! I think I’ve about burned my brain out for now (the old one cell as Dad used to say).

As always,


No comments: