Journal, May 6, 1976 PM

Why can’t I just quit? I ran into Profy Gomez over at the {Episcopal} Church this evening, and he said, very diplomatically, that it was “bad politics” for the Church to fire the 2 agronomos {Agricultural Extensionists} and Mr. Castillo “de un solo golpe” {all at once}. What an under-statement. it appears CREDHO had two agronomos from BFA {Banco Fomento Agripequario or Agricultural Development Bank} interested in taking over the jobs of Mejia & Flores, but when they heard about how they had been fired without warning, the BFA guys backed out. Agronomos here are all like fraternity brothers. You mistreat one and none of them want anything to do with you. So it goes.

But I’m still trying to put together a budget for building the milking shed. Steve ran out on me this morning. He went to Metapán with the two FAO {United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization} guys. I think he’ll even spend the night up there.

I went to see the cattle show that is at the Feria Internacional {International Fairgrounds} this week. They had all purebred stuff {cattle}, big breeders - nothing for the small cattleman. I saw a few Holsteins, among them some daughters and a son of Paclamar Bootmaker, a well proven & popular sire in the U.S. Through the wonders of artificial insemination they can have quality Holstein cattle in Central America or anywhere in the world. Whether they adapt well to the climate or not is another thing entirely however. I didn’t see a single crossbred {cow} at the show, but that is what the average ganadero {cattleman} here has.

<I wrote and mailed a letter to Sofia today.> {some text not transcribed} Love by letter is not very emotionally satisfying. Intellectually it’s reassuring enough, but I have no one to touch, embrace, hold onto. Protestant ethic, delayed gratification and all that rot - stiff upper lip lad & no backsliding!

I also bought a 1 liter thermos and some yogurt for starter. I plan to attempt to make yogurt by the Steve Hays method, without the help of the mighty Sun God. May José {Joe} the Canadian forgive me! I hope I have better luck than I had with José’s method.

Journal, May 6, 1976 AM

I’m in Santa Tecla at Steve Pamperin’s. I’ve had my oatmeal, and am ready to go down to the bank with Steve, and try to work out a budget for building a milking shed with feeding & watering facilities, and establishing pastures. Steve is still in bed, but his roommates are up & getting ready for work. Steve Hay’s counterpart is here, & he & Mike Shank are B.S.’ing.

I got sidetracked in my intention to quit CREDHO. I told Mr. Marques I thought that the best thing they could do would be to not get cattle. He wouldn’t listen. I told him we needed pastures and a corral, etc., and he asked about a design for a milking set up. There I was ready for him. I told him about the plans the people at the Banco Fomento {Development Bank} had given us last fall. So we went over to the bank to talk it over, and see what we could do about getting a budget for the whole setup. So here I am. Steve & I will see what we can do this morning.

I attended a meeting that Padre {Father} Serrano and Freddy Salguerro held for the CREDHO coop presidents at the {Episcopal} Church. What a waste. They called those peasant farmers in to the capital to cry on their shoulders about how someone had been going around saying that CREDHO was making big profits off seed & fertilizer sales. They bristled with self-righteous anger. What a joke. The farmers were, of course, very agreeable (apologetic even though they had nothing to apologize for), and made touching statements of their personal confidence in the Padre & CREDHO. After it was over, one farmer asked, “And what price are you selling Gramaxone (a weed killer) at?” It was as if to say, now that your egos are patched up, let’s get back to business.

A couple Gringos {North Americans} who work for one of CREDHO’s funding agencies were supposed to go to El Maizal at 1 PM, but didn’t show up ‘til after 2. A couple of cheerleaders - my first impression. They decided not to go, to wait ‘til there were students at El Maizal. But isn’t it all so wonderful what they’re doing here!

After that is when Marques & I went for a bite to eat & got talking. Why can’t I just quit?

Journal, May 4, 1976 PM

Tomorrow, San Salvador, but alone, Jay decided he wants to stay at El Maizal for the time being, so he doesn’t care to rock the boat. Padre {Father} Serrano has asked the presidents of the cooperatives into San Salvador for a meeting at 11 AM, so I may walk right into that. A whole bunch of folks were at El Maizal this morning expecting to get their seed and fertilizer. Someone from CREDHO showed up & told them the presidents had to go to this meeting, & then maybe they would get the stuff next week. They were none too pleased! As Don Juan says they add the cost of a trip to San Salvador onto the price of the fertilizer, & it comes out cheaper to buy the fertilizer from a local dealer. The {Episcopal} Church is really blowing it. They are losing in days the confidence it took Profy {Gomez} & Señor Castillo over a year to build up among the people.

I helped Jay plant some marijuana seeds this afternoon. He fertilized them with commercial fertilizer, & plans to water them until the rains come to stay. A real farmer!

I’ve got several errands to run for Jay while I’m in town. If I don’t forget my list that is. Really, now that I have it written down I shouldn’t have to consult the list. Usually writing something down is enough. I’ll have to get right on finding a cheap place in the city. It has to be cheap so I can save up for the Costa Rica trip & an engagement ring. Hassles and more hassles just ‘cause I can’t say no to that Tica {Costarican woman}.

Journal, May 3, 1976 PM

Another day, still no Marques. I spent another morning at El Maizal doing big zero. I got my bike back together in the afternoon, but am afraid I put a pinhole in the tube in the process.

The most exciting event of the day was Jay’s return. <He showed up about 8 PM carrying the {Peace Corps} Volunteer newsletter & a letter from Sofia.> They printed my article on the Animal Health Seminar in the paper, with only 2 missing “a”s, plus a disclaimer for all grammatical errors made by the “hick author”. The paper had a couple serious articles in it - more than usual.

<Sofia says she has vacation from June 26 to July 20, or there abouts, so I’ll probably go down there with Jaime about the first week of July.> She says she’s going to start putting together a list of interesting places I should see in Costa Rica (with her). Now you’re talkin’ woman! She put more jive in this letter than any previous one, & wrote more informally (even a little disorganized). That’s fine ‘cause I don’t like formalities, & she continues sayin’ she loves me. I can dig it.

Jay says he’ll go into San Salvador with me to talk to the Padre {Father Serrano} if Marques hasn’t shown up by tomorrow. I don’t know exactly what we’ll tell him, but I’m ready to take some serious action. First, find out what’s going on, & if it’s what I think it is, get out of this mess, and go tell Chico {Rodriguez} I want to try one of his suggestions.

Journal, May 2, 1976 PM

Marques didn’t show. A bitch {female dog} has been into the “conejera {rabbit cages}” and killed two rabbits. There is a whole lot of fertilizer in the storage shed at El Maizal now, & they can’t sell it or the corn seed until Marques shows up to get things going. This was gleaned from my morning at El Maizal.

This afternoon I took the back wheel from my bike apart, trying to straighten it, & to take off the sprockets so as to put in a new spoke. No luck on #2. I’ll put it back together tomorrow, minus one spoke.

<In the evening I wrote a letter to Sofia.> In fact I just finished it and am about to call it a night. The insects have been merciless since early this afternoon. I don’t believe a worthy thought has emanated from my grey matter in all day! I wonder if Einstein had days like this one? A saber {Who knows}!

Journal, May 1, 1976 PM

Tonight we find the author in Metalio preparing to go to bed in his hammock. His tijera {cot} is loaded down with his books because the floor of the beach house is still wet in places from a recent rain storm. And so on!

I mailed my job-probe letters to Madison & Wisconsin State Government this morning (actually I left the them in Peace Corps Office with the money because today is Labor Day). I didn’t get to Metalio ‘til about 4:30, so I just ate, showered, read some of the {New York} Times, drank some tea, and read some of “Tierra de Infancia” by Claudia Lars. The book is my latest attempt at improving my Spanish. She writes simply and cleverly, and the story is about Armenia, the town she grew up in, near Sonsonate. <I’ll read it to my kids some day, if I marry Sofia.> It would be a fitting book to read aloud to children.

I saw Jay this morning (at Peace Corps Office), and he says that Señor Castillo and Señor Flores have quit working for CREDHO and moved their shit out of El Maizal. Looks like things are deteriorating rapidly over there. I hope I run into Marques there tomorrow or Monday to find out what’s going on. I’m not going to spend the whole week waiting for him! I’ll go into San Salvador and wait on Freddy Salguerro if he hasn’t showed by Tuesday.

Journal, May 1, 1976 AM

My watch says it’s the 31st today, and it might just as well be. I’m still under the influence after doing quite a bit of drinking last night. I had my first beer at Spanish class at 1:30. I had some more at the A.I.D. meeting at 4:00 to 5:30. Then we went to El Yugo, a steak restaurant, for a despedida {farwell} for Ron & Nancy Shiflet, who are flying home as I write this morning. Then we had another beer at El Cantón {Chinese restaurant}, and then we went down into a rough section of town (sorry, I forgot a stop at the Bamboo Room first), and heard a little band play as we drank. I was drinking Coke by then. Diego & I went home about 1:30, but Jaime & Mike kept going.

I saw the last few rounds of the Ali-Young fight too. Lord, we really got around!

I stopped by the Episcopal Church at noon yesterday. Padre {Father} Serrano was busy, but I spent some time talking to the wife of a Bishop from the U.S. that is down here. I told her about some of my problems - she was sympathetic. She’s from Vermont, & knows a little about what it takes to take care of cattle. Then I met Padre Serrono’s “old lady”. What a surprise. She is young, pretty, sweet as sugar and a Costarican. What a small world, but her hubby still rubs me the wrong way.

Images, May, 1976

Doña Reina, Don Tin and some of their younger children, in front of the garden beside their home, store and restaurant in Metalio.

{My friend} Santos in front of the ocean {near Metalio}.

Don Adán, his wife and their children {in front of their house in Metalio}.

Journal, April 30, 1976 AM

I was doing well, not spending any money yesterday, until I got back from Santa Tecla last evening. I had had only a sandwich since breakfast, & went out & ate “arroz valenciado” {a rice casserole} and a Hardee’s milk shake. I got back to the hospidaje {guest house}, and Fred was back & hungry, so I went & had a beer with him while he ate. On the way back we ran into Diego (also coming back from Santa Tecla), and we went and had 2 more beers. I didn’t spend much, but I had vowed not to drink any beer. I can’t say no to those guys though. It would be like refusing their company. I don’t only have that problem with Salvadorans!

But I admit enjoying my beer, too! Our times together are numbered now. Ron & Nancy go home Saturday, the rest of us in the fall, and work season (invierno {rainy season}) is starting for the pastures & forages extensionists. All too soon our little group will be terminated (The government word for ending Peace Corps service fits the context so well!). And so on!

Today or tomorrow Chico {Rodriguez} & I will talk with Padre {Father} Serrano - if we can catch him (& he deigns to talk with us unclean heathens!). Lord, I’ll be happy to have things with the {Episcopal} Church clarified, whatever the outcome.

Journal, April 28, 1976 PM

Again more beer & more money spent than I needed. <I got the mochila {shoulder bag} & a letter off to Sofia, though my #1 accomplishment turned out to be a well thought out & very honest letter, no glossing over my doubts.> I really have to sit down & think, to sift the essentials from the bullshit when I write her. It would be so much easier to float with the current of the euphoric feeling she gives me, but alas I’m too practical, too pensativo {thoughtful}.

I spilled to Chico {Rodriguez} about the situation at CREDHO, and we’re going to talk to Padre {Father} Serrano Saturday, with some luck. I hope we get the thing settled one way or another. I want to either get some firm assurances that the cattle will be provided for, or get out of El Maizal. Shit or get off the pot, as Gary Fritz would have said.

We saw “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” tonight - Diego, Fred & I. We had all read the book, so we were a highly critical audience. The movie was good, maybe even deserving of the 5 Oscars, but it couldn’t match the scope, the depth, or the unique, all important style, of the book. It was a story written in novel form, and couldn’t be adapted to the screen without losing a lot. Diego thought the movie could have been better. maybe a little, but never equal to the book. There’s no substitute for a well-written book, if you want to let your mind run free instead of just your emotions.

Journal, April 27, 1976 PM

Whew, I was as stoned tonight as I ever remember being. At the home of our Spanish instructor, Ramil Zepeta, Diego & I got wiped out on his dope. I was having flashbacks to Friendship, Wisconsin like mad, and antsy & paranoid about Ramil being the son of a colonel, all at once. Diego just put on some music, & broke that train of thought.

I’m “living the life of Riley” yesterday & today, and not getting the things done I set out to do during my week in the city. I like to drink beer too much, and dope can give me such an illusion of total calm & insight! They are dangerous for me. <If I’m going to get my life together enough to pursue my dreams, & have Sofia with me, I’ll have to control these two most tempting intoxicants.> So much time you can let slip by while “drugged” (Oh! that has a brutal sound!).

Tomorrow, none of these two, & I’ll try to cover a few “tareas” {tasks} that are in need of doing.

Journal, April 26, 1976 PM

I didn’t have to wade to the bus stop, & I’m in San Salvador, a little blurry eyed & fuzzy headed after 4 beers with Jaime & Diego. I downed 2 aspirin to head off the hangover. I wonder what kind of havoc that causes my system?

I had an interview in the morning, & started Spanish class this afternoon. I’m in the most advanced class with Diego & 2 other guys. We’re going to work mainly on conversation.

<I mailed all my letters & bought Sofia a mochila {backpack or shoulder bag} today - now to mail it. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Diego I’m planning to marry Sofia.> He was questioning me about how I plan to keep in contact with her when I go back to the U.S. I just fear his reaction, Jaime’s too, for no real reason. It has all happened fast, & nothing is formal yet, but still I should be able to confide in close friends.

Fred is sick tonight. It started as a sore throat, now chills & fever, & he’s coughing. Poor guy’s miserable, & the medicine the Peace Corps doctor gave him hasn’t seemed to help.

Journal, April 25, 1976 PM

How beautiful, it is raining, a real downpour. It looks like the start of the wet {rainy} season. This is about a month before it started last year, hard to believe!

Jay’s back & strumming on his banjo. He’s already trying to talk me out of leaving El Maizal to work somewhere else. He always messes with my mind, because he doesn’t care if he does anything useful in Peace Corps, and he makes that sound like the most reasonable alternative. But 20 cows with no pasture, Lord that’s no situation for a guy who wants to take it easy either! I just have to tell the folks at the {Episcopal} Church they are insane if they bring cows into the present situation at El Maizal. With the rabbits & goats just getting by the best they can, how are the cows going to make it?

Jan wrote to Jay. He says it was a real good letter. He really values “good letters”, and takes pride in those he writes. Who knows what this could lead to!

And the rain goes on & on. It started about 7:30 and it’s 9:15. <I wrote Sofia a letter today.> Just a punch-clock letter - I still care, how ya doin’, etc. I put in my morning appearance at El Maizal, no Marques. I figure to stop by the Church in San Salvador tomorrow, after Spanish classes. If this rain doesn’t stop, I’ll have to wade to the bus stop!

Journal, April 24, 1976 PM

Again, Mr. Marques didn’t show up at El Maizal. I studied verb tenses & snacked. I tried cooking up some corn for tortillas in the afternoon. It’s simple to cook it, just put the corn in water, add a little Ca(OH)2 and boil it for about an hour. Smells good too! However, grinding the corn up to make “masa” {dough} is no small task without a “molina” {mill}, so I gave it up & ate some of the corn just as it was. I got filled up on it so will give the rest to some starving chickens or something. Anyway, now I know I can make tortillas if I just have a corn grinder available.

I napped the rest of the afternoon (took a swim & a run up the beach while the corn was cookin’!), & it was after supper before I did any physics problems. I finished Chapter 2 of Bueche, and started reading #3 - the first chapter in which he really starts talking physics.

<Tomorrow I’ll compose a letter to Sofia.> Wish she were here now. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride! And where would western civilization be without delayed gratification, the good ole protestant ethic! And we used to make fun of the Catholics!

Journal, April 24, 1976 AM

Notice how my entries get smaller when I’m in Metalio? It’s because I’m not doing anything! Marques didn’t show up yesterday either, & I spent most of my time reading “Scientific American”, and studying Spanish grammar. My butt got sore from sitting on the hard wooden benches in the front of the school building.

At 4 PM I finally left. I came out to Kiklita {the beach house where I sleep}, shaved and made my oatmeal with powdered milk for supper. I swiped a little corn from El Maizal, and bought some “cal” {calcium oxide or lime}. I plan to try cooking up some masa {corn dough} today in the afternoon to see how it goes.

I wrote the folks last night, & sent them a roll of film to develop. <I told them just about what I told Jan, that Sofia & I would probably get engaged in December & marry in August of next year.> I don’t know what motivated me to write them about it while we haven’t even made it official or anything. It all came out rather trite and Mary Worthish, but I did it. Now Dad can recognize that the worst is already coming to pass & start accepting it!

Letter, April 23, 1976

Dear Mom, Dad & all,

How is everybody? I imagine you’re all busy as heck with spring planting and all the school functions that pile up at this time of year.

I am sitting here sweating, even though it's nearly 6 pm. April is when the sun passes over El Salvador and we'll be lucky if it doesn't fry us all! I got back from Costa Rica Tuesday night. <I spent the week of Easter visiting Sofia.> It was cooler there, and rained hard three different days – but only for an hour or so in the afternoon. That’s the way it should rain – an hour or so at 3 or 3:30 to cool things off & let you sleep well! <Sofia and her family are all fine, as are Doña Carmen and her family. Sofia has started classes at the university {Universidad Nacional, Heredia, Costa Rica} and seems to like it O.K.> On Monday she started working as well. She has a full-time job days & is going to the university at night, so she is one busy little woman right now.

I’m sending the roll of film Jan started during her visit. I just finished it off while I was in Costa Rica. I don’t know what the first 12 pictures are on it, but I'd like one copy of each of #13 through #20 to give to the people in them. Thanks much for the photos from Christmas, they made a big hit with people in San Antonio {San Antonio de Belen, Heredia, Costa Rica}. Cameras aren’t as plentiful (or cheap!) there as in the U.S. so they prize photos even more than we do.

I have Spanish workshop next week, so I am doing a little grammar study today. <Since I met Sofia, improving my Spanish has become even more important.> She never criticizes, but it's a bummer when I can’t express a thought or feeling I have. She knows only a few English phrases so far, so Spanish it is!

I only have 6 more months to go in Peace Corps. That's good because I feel like I'm ready to move on. Peace Corps is tolerable for 2 years & you learn a great deal, but it’s not a career. I plan to go to Jaime Olson’s wedding in San Antonio, Costa Rica after terminating with Peace Corps in late October. <I'll spend a month or so there helping with the wedding and of course spending some time with Sofia. Sofia & I have talked about getting engaged about that time – don’t be too surprised.> I'll be back in Wisconsin in early December. Hope you won’t all disown me & someone comes to meet me! Hope to find a job in Madison & go to school at least part-time next spring. I plan to study Physics so will have to start with the basic courses. <If all goes well I could be getting married next year in August & bringing Sofia to Madison to live.> No formal commitments have been made yet, but formalities don’t mean much to me & we’re talking about it.

I guess I spilled the beans all over the floor didn’t I! I really had meant to keep all my thoughts guarded, but there they are in blue & yellow. <Sofia’s a very nice person, really.> There’s more chance she’ll say “no go” than I will. She has very strong family ties, never been far from home, and it'll be a big adjustment for her. So we'll see, right?

I plan to get about a pound of some Salvadoran red & black bean varieties to send home so I can try raising them when I get back. Are there any red or black beans commonly grown in Wisconsin? Here & in Costa Rica they are a staple of the diet, and I’d like to see if I can produce them there.

Take care,

Dean

Journal, April 22, 1976 PM

I waited all day to talk to Marques. he didn’t make it out of San Salvador yet. Oh well, I read all about their experience with double-purpose cattle at CEDA, and found out what all alcohol can do to your liver, independent of indirectly leading to malnutrition (“Scientific American”). I’ll have to show Jaime that article on the effects of alcohol. He’s always talking about its nutritive value. The author says even moderate consumption leads to increased fatty tissue in the liver. Alcohol is metabolized, but apparently you can’t gain weight on it like you can carbohydrates, fats and proteins.

I composed a letter to send to the City of Madison & the State of Wisconsin requesting employment. I’ll type them up in San Salvador next week. <I wrote to Jan, telling her I figure on marrying Sofia and about when.> I’ll be very interested in how she reacts to that information.

Letter, April 22, 1976

Hi Jan,

Your letter didn’t get here before my trip to Costa Rica, I found it in the mail box when I got back. Thanks much for the pictures, the 3 from San Antonio are all gems! I gave away copies of all those Christmas pictures to everyone in San Antonio when I was there, so they are satisfied. I’ll enjoy these pictures for a while myself. {some text not transcribed}

While in San Jose one day I picked up a copy of the Tico Times, and there was an ad in it for an elementary school teacher! Country Day School has an opening. That guy at Costa Rica Academy said it: If you’re there looking, you’ll find a job! Have you written to any of those schools yet? I hope they’re still short a teacher in August!

At last my subscription to “Scientific American” has started coming. I applied for it last September. But it was worth the wait! The March issue has an article discussing theories of the origin & destiny of the Universe - theoretical astrophysics. I find myself eager to absorb dense scientific language. Even Peace Corps El Salvador has not deadened the insatiable student in me!

I may leave El Maizal and try to do some more social consultant shit for my last 6 months here. I am feeling restless since I got back from Costa Rica. I feel I need to do something more intensive & at least potentially useful. I hope to lay it on the line to the El Maizal director before I lose my nerve, or my initiative, and slip back into the routine & just keep letting it ride. Jay’s not here right now to tell me how foolish I am to want to do something “meaningful”.

I asked at the U.S. Embassy & they said I could bring bean seed into the U.S. if it is treated and certified. So I think I’ll try to send a little home & plant it next year in the spring. Have you found any red or black beans up there? What about ready-made tortillas? Have you tried making tortillas? Did you find my mystery trunk with the McGovern sticker on it? How did your hemorrhoids come through the plane ride? Phew! I guess that about ends my spasmodic attack of questionitis. Please feel free to answer or not!

On the serious side, I had a very pleasant & mellow time in Costa Rica - even the weather was refreshing. It rained 3 days in a row, but only in the afternoon (for an hour or so). What a pleasant respite from now scorching El Salvador. It is 8:30 PM as I write and I am sitting here in just my shorts! <Sofia and I talked some about getting engaged in November - before I leave for Wisconsin.> Her whole family believes I will go back to the U.S. and never be heard from again, though they don’t show an inkling of that to me. <A ring will make it easier for Sofia to keep the faith too!> I have every intention of marrying her, you know, unless something happens to change one of our minds. (God, the blunt statements I am capable of lately!) Yup, we’ve even talked about when - a year from August holds our favor as “best bet” at this time. <It gives me the chance to get going in a job & in my studies, and it will be a beautiful & not too cold time for Sofia to get her first look at Wisconsin!> I’m itching to find a job & have it waiting for me when I get back in December, would you believe? Perhaps Dad’s first assessment was correct, I’m crazy!

Dean

Journal, April 21, 1976 PM

Let’s see, what was on my list this morning? <I got a letter off to Sofia of course.> Most important things first! I found a pleasant surprise in my mail box this morning, the March issue of “Scientific American” (SA) - at last it has come! So I’ll count the article on the perpetual expansion of the universe theory, which I read in SA, as a start on getting into physics. I talked to Freddy Salguerro, and, as is his habit, he passed me off to someone else. He did say they are expecting delivery of the scale and silage chopper, & that they have the money for the cows (20,000 Colones)! Marques (Profy Gomez’s replacement) agreed to talk to me, tomorrow. So that is the new “showdown” time. I’ve got to be very blunt, & tell him I am not going to even attempt to help them manage their cow herd unless I receive firm assurances that they are going to make the necessary investments in facilities, equipment and labor. They have no corral, no pastures, no milking facility or equipment, and nobody in the whole organization that has any experience with cattle, except me. I am all through donating free moso {manual} labor. They’ll have to hire a full time herdsman plus the workers to plant pastures & sorghum, put up fences, & build a milking shed. I don’t think they have any intention of doing it, & I have no intention of staying around to watch 20 cows suffer needlessly! Perhaps my quitting will give them pause.

I had better luck at the {U.S.} Embassy. they said that if I get seed that is certified & fumigated by CENTA, I will have no trouble taking it into the U.S. Next step is to get out to CENTA and see what they charge for the service.

I got a letter from Jan with some pictures - some of El Maizal & some of Costa Rica. All came out nice. Jan says she’s working hard and trying to learn Spanish - has found an instructor. I have to write her about that job opening at Country Day {School}. She should have written them by now.

I made myself some oatmeal for a snack tonight. First time in a while, & it tasted good.

Reading about the fact that the universe is expanding (so they say), I wondered if it might not be illusionary. It’s substantiated by the Doppler effect - which even I had read about previously - so if the accepted “laws” of physics hold universally, it must be so. But motion is all relative, so if everything is moving away from everything, only relative distance is changing, so mightn’t it all be an illusion, and does it make any difference? My words don’t have the ring of cogent scientific thought, but reading the article made me believe physicists haven’t really got the creation figured out yet. Maybe not even as nearly as they believe they do. A “big bang” theory doesn’t say why the bang occurred, what formed the “pre-bang” universe, etc. The article said it was meaningless to ask what came before the bang. Smells like a cop-out!

Journal, April 21, 1976 AM

We had a pretty good smooth trip up in Tica Bus, talked with a girl from New Zealand who was on the bus. Jaime got off in Jocoro, & I got into San Salvador about 7:30 PM.

I really have a tough time taking Jaime sometimes. He’ll get into minutely analyzing some trivial thing, & go on & on. He’ll explain to me exactly what he’s going to do when he gets off the bus, & all his contingency plans if something goes haywire! And he’s always got times and distances down to the minute or kilometer, but still throws in an ‘about’: “Yes, it’s about 172 kilometers to the border, and if we keep going at about say 60-65 kph. {kilometers per hour} we’ll be there about 1:15, etc., etc.” He’s a nice guy - unquestionably one of the most decent people I know - but sometimes I’d love to say, “And so what, Jaime, who gives a damn?”

I didn’t read at all on the bus yesterday, instead I was mulling over ideas for getting a job in Madison. I think I’ll write to the city government and state government, and get applications. I’ll try to give them an idea of my situation and qualifications in the letter, so maybe they’ll channel me into something that fits my needs. I’ve also thought of writing Merna about the possibility of working as a waiter or bartender at Hoffman House. I would just ask about the prospects, not ask for help. A decent job would sure take some worry out of my life. I could carry about 10 credits, & just slide through slow if no scholarship help was forthcoming. <And marry Sofia, on schedule in August, que bien {how nice}!>

I also need to get into studying physics now more than ever, to get my mind oriented. I want to read another novel in Spanish to improve my command of the language. I have to talk with the Padre {Priest} and/or Freddy, to find out if there’s any future for me with CREDHO, & if not maybe spend my last 6 months working with the Cerron Grande dam project. I want to ask the U.S. Embassy about importing a little bean & corn seed into the U.S. Plenty to do, and I better get at it before another case of the El Salvador blahs hits me!

Journal, April 19, 1976 PM

Here we are in Managua again - back to the source, where this journal began! And so?

We got pretty well primed for the trip this morning when, as we were drinking 2 beers in our now customary pre-departure bar, some guy started buying us beer, & bought us 3 more. It was just as well, since the bus didn’t leave ‘til 11:30. 10 AM was scheduled departure time. We gave a shit!

<I showed Jaime the picture I extracted from Sofia last night. Sofia’s sister and her boy friend had showed it to me.> It is a picture of her at about 10 years of age with short hair, very boyish looking, but she still has those eyes. {some text not transcribed} So I showed it to Jaime, & he was unimpressed.

It’s late, & we’re due to “madrugar {get up early}” tomorrow so, that’s all.

Journal, April 19, 1976 AM

{some text not transcribed}

Jaime & I played some cribbage in the morning yesterday. Sometimes he gets so involved in a card game I don’t believe it! He’ll sit there looking over a completed game, & giving me a sportscaster-type recap: “Well, let’s see, at the start I was just playing along, not doing well, but staying in the game, not getting much “pegging”, and that kept you in the lead. Then I had a couple good hands, & some real fine pegging (12 points one time), and took the lead at about midgame . . ., etc.” I’m sitting there trying not to show my infinite boredom & impatience too openly (just enough to get him to wrap-up and play his cards!), because Jaime is so sensitive, & can’t begin to comprehend that anyone would not be interested! He’s the same way with sports, he’ll read a Miami Herald sports page, and then give an impromptu rundown on pro. baseball, college basketball or whatever. And the next tidbit of news he gets, he’ll revise it all for you. I’ll grant I often enjoy it ‘cause I used to be a sports addict, but down here, away from it all especially, I’ve become aware of the superficiality of it all. And he’s just gotten more addicted.

<All for now, I expect Sofia at 7:30 or so to say goodbye, & I catch the 8:00 bus into San Jose, & the 10:00 Tica Bus for Managua.> Away from this tranquil scene!

Journal, April 18, 1976 AM (Easter Sunday)

I decided to finally give Doña Carmen the towels I brought her from El Salvador. Easter Sunday seemed like the most appropriate time. I set them out on the table at 6 AM and am waiting for her to find them. She’s up & around so it shouldn’t be long.

I also decided to leave the 100 Colones I want to give her in an envelope on my bed when I leave. That way she or Marielos will find it, & she won’t be able to refuse it. I hate scenes like that!

<I spent all day yesterday in the house here; until 6:30 when I went up to see Sofia.> I was reading “Another Roadside Attraction” by Tom Robbins, and went through over 200 pages. I only have 15-20 pages to go to finish, but anticipate an anticlimax. I’m afraid the book itself will fit the Johns Hopkins professor’s description of Marx Marvelous’ Ph.D. thesis: “brilliant. but frivolous.” There are some fine insights into such things as authority, identification with symbols instead of the morals they purport to represent, and mysticism. It is really a study of religion more than anything, terminating with an indictment of Christianity for separating spiritual & natural man, & thus being largely responsible for our present state of existence, which Robbins contends is frustrated, callous and self-destructive. I think he comes down a bit heavy on well-meaning little Yeshua, but I say ‘right on!’ to his indictment of the Church’s authoritarian structure.

Being in the house all day I was made painfully aware of the really tragic state in which the Castillo Murillo family lives. They either watched T.V. or gambled all day long. They play a game where you divide the cards into piles, & place your bet on top of one. Everybody bets against the dealer (usually Don Fabio who of course has the most money). The entire family, down to Mauren, gets into it, and they yell at each other & bicker but apparently enjoy it. The poor kids. They are good kids, but they’re being taught to gamble & waste time away, instead of reading, playing sports, or caring for animals. They’re being molded in the same mold that produced Don Fabio & Doña Carmen. Too bad! Too bad for Marielos, 16 and a real charmer with eyes as big as saucers. Too bad for Mauren, 5 and a blonde, green-eyed skin-flint with the quick wits and playfulness of a healthy young animal. Children are so brand-new and malleable - such potential, such potential!

<Sofia was telling me last night about a neighbor of her married sister in Heredia. The battle-axe had the nerve (balls?) to tell her that when her husband goes off to the mountains Saturdays hunting, she should refuse to fix him lunch when he returns. The bitch apparently doesn’t hesitate to fight with her spouse, & yell at & hit her own kids liberally, so she figured Sofia’s sister ought to follow suit!> There is no other combination of traits quite as disgusting in a human being as naked, callous brutality and supreme self-assurance. How ugly some of God’s children let themselves become.

Journal, April 17, 1976 AM

“Sunshine, lollipops & rainbows, everything that’s wonderful is what I feel when we’re together. Brighter than a lucky feather . . .” I think it’s an old Petula Clark song, and it somehow sifted to the front of my mind this morning as I shiver, & gaze out into the bright early morning. It rained late yesterday afternoon, & the freshness has remained in the air. That’s also why it’s so chilly. I’ve even got a little cough this morning.

Yesterday was like a breath of fresh air - no hassles, no heavy talk or worries. We went up near a town called San José de la Montaña (which as you might expect is up in the mountains). It was cool, green & fresh up there, & we snacked on watermelon, mangoes and oranges in a cow pasture. <Sofia brought me a pair of special tamales (yum! yum!). Sofia went flower picking, & I was following her when we were spotted by the management & ordered out of the cattle’s private sanctuary.> They even tried to order us off the road in front of it.

Relegated to roadside, we took a walk along the narrow & winding road. Up above the heights of the coffee plantations, there were only dairy farms (with Holsteins) and vacation homes, & these not piled on top of each other as they might be in El Salvador.

<We had some weird tamales at the house of a friend of Sofia’s family (they were sliced like bread, & about the texture & consistency of banana bread), after the rain washed out our game of “hot potato”. On the way home we visited Luis’s house, and Sofia, as usual, got her mitts on the baby.> The kid got so attached to her, it wouldn’t leave her for it’s own granddad! That’s an all too common occurrence. When we’re at her house I always have to share time with her sister’s child. And so it was last evening.

<I had a good meal at Sofia’s, & left early since we were both tired. I had some more to eat at Doña Carmen’s.> Making the blunder of saying I was a little hungry still, & wouldn’t mind a tamal, I ended up with soup & rice as well!

Today, I have officially been in Peace Corps El Salvador for a year & a half. May the last six months go by quickly!

Journal, April 16, 1976 AM

The old romance is at a critical stage right this minute, another crisis. God I'm sick of crises! <Last night she {Sofia} told me ominously to go home, & think about what I was going to do with her.> It seems she’s got it in her head now that we should be married in November with Pilar & Jaime. She whimpered about losing her best friend & her fella both at the same time. I felt like saying, “Life is tough all over!” Sometimes when she comes on with her spoiled little girl act I just can't take it.

She’s scared to death I'll forget her when I get back to Wisconsin, & she also has doubts about her ability to adjust to being without her family, friends - possibly without countrymen. No question it’s goin' to be tough. It was one of the first things I said when she took the initiative to get this thing started. But there are long range advantages if she’s willing to endure, & work at it.

I can smooth her entry into the culture if I’m already established there. I can seek out, & make contact with Latin student organizations & Spanish House. I can start growing Costarican varieties of beans. I can have us a place, & me a job which will permit me to study at least part-time, whatever she decides to do. I’m just not willing to take her back to nothing, & be forced to latch onto the first place & job I can, and probably defer the studies. I've told her over & over but either it doesn't register or she's starting to realize for the first time what life she'll be getting herself into! I hope it's the former, but maybe she is just another soul that is too attached to break the ties, and discover the world beyond.

Journal, April 15, 1976 AM

I wonder if Dad’s planting oats today. I’ve told so many people here in Central America that we plant oats around April 15th in Wisconsin, that I’ve come to believe he has to plant right on the day, almost.

Yesterday we were on the move so much I only got one meal, breakfast. <We went to Ojo de Agua {swimming resort} in the morning, & to visit Sofia’s married sister in the evening.> Afterwards I had a beer & a half. <Sofia had the same as part of her policy, and with so little food in me it was enough to make me sleep like a baby.>

That water at Ojo de Agua was so cold I would come out of it shivering. <No one else was affected by it, not even slender, frail Sofia, and she’s worried about Wisconsin weather!> It’s so invigorating though, cold spring water from deep in the Earth to bring goose bumps to your flesh and then that hot tropical sun to warm you to your bones. The man who saw that giant spring, envisioned it all, & designed the system of falls & pools was a genius. The cold water keeps flowing through the system so the pools are practically self-cleaning.

I got back to the house in time to watch Doña Carmen make some tamales. They heat up the banana leaves so they fold around the tamal without cracking. The whole process doesn’t look too tough. You just need corn “masa {dough}” with lard & spices mixed in, and the meat, white beans, potatoes and/or “picadillo {chopped meat and vegetable mixture}” to put inside. Just package the filling in the “masa” and wrap it in the leaf. They cook them in a pressure cooker now. I wonder what they do in El Salvador where not too many folks can afford pressure cookers.

<About 4:30 we got off to Sofia’s sister’s & her husband’s house in Heredia. They live in a little colonia {neighborhood} of cement “boxes on a hillside” on the very edge of town. Actually, it’s very quiet & quite nice, except for some as yet unidentified shrill sound which kept piercing our tranquility. They have a parrot and 3 smaller birds out back. One of the 3, a finely featured, medium blue beauty, was restless, and moved with incredible speed from one to another of the 4 perches in his cage. It reminded me of a Roadrunner or Speedy Gonzales cartoon, because you only see a blur when it moves, & then there it is, perfectly still, looking at you from the other perch. We had some warm & superb raisin cake & some pasteles {pies or turnovers}. The filling was the color & consistency of pitted & mixed up prunes, but the flavor was distinct. You never really find out what good “postres {desserts}” they have in a country until you get invited into private homes! It’s true here, El Salvador, Wisconsin. And you need to find the good cooks of course!

Journal, April 14, 1976 AM

Jaime & I got our visas & reservations all set yesterday, but killed the whole day in San Jose in the process. In addition to the $3 we had to pay for our visas for Nicaragua, they’re going to rip us for $2 to leave Costa Rica on Monday. Everyone is on the take for the Easter holidays. We are commemorating the triumph over death of the savior of the world, so pay us off if you want to go anywhere. What brotherly Christian countries are these!

<Sofia was in a doubting mood last night.> Me vas a olvidar cuando se va {You’ll forget me when you leave}. Apparently her whole family has been telling her this is what likely will happen when I go to the States in December. I can’t be positive, I told her, but I didn’t expect I would. I finally gave her the other half turn of this perpetually circular argument - that she could be the one to change her mind & call it off. Nothing can really relieve the doubts when they set in of course. It’s a feeling not a reasoned idea, so after a while we had to let it lie.

Journal, April 13, 1976 AM

<Sofia & I did some serious talking last night.> {some text not transcribed} We talked about the details of the marriage ceremony here. She claims I don’t need a baptism certificate, but Jaime said he had to have one, so I still am in doubt. She says you have to promise to educate your children in the Catholic Church. I don’t think much of making that promise! <But for Sofia & her family a civil ceremony - or any ceremony outside THE church is not valid.> I can handle going through the ceremony. I see it as essentially a community certification of our relationship. But I’m not ready to embrace the Catholic religion (or any other institutionalized church) blindly. <I see the advantages of education in the Bible & the general system of moral values that a church advocates, and I don’t think Bible teachings can be that different in the Catholic Church than they were in the Congregational Church, but I don’t like Sofia’s single-minded belief that the Catholic Church is the only proper way for her kids.> I guess it’s because the Catholic Church has been the central institution of Latin American communities so long, the symbol of order & propriety. I should remember the power a church can have after the research paper I did on the Negro Churches in the South, when I was at A & T {North Carolina A & T State University}.

<Ironically, Sofia is only a lukewarm Catholic, but the marriage in the church, baptism & education of the children in the church, etc. is such an essential and invariant part of the community life here, I really don’t think she could imagine it any other way.> It’ll be interesting to see her reactions to a predominantly Protestant society, where religious activity & community activity are not so tightly intertwined.

We even talked about timing of the marriage. We’re both excited about an August wedding. The canicula is such a green, beautiful time here & we would get back for fall in Wisconsin. That would fall into line with my education schedule since University {of Wisconsin} classes start around the end of August. <Sofia could take semester courses only & thus break her studies in August without losing credits. Sofia has God’s own fear of Wisconsin winter - probably my fault - so this would give her a chance for gradual acclimatization.> Lord I don’t know how we’ll swing it financially, but I’ll work full time (at something!) and study when I can, if necessary. A semester & summer at school before she joins me should give me plenty of time to get something reasonable worked out.

The whole morning yesterday was a washout. Jaime & I couldn’t get visas or tickets confirmed, & must go back today. A couple of tactical errors in the Easter week rush, & you are out of luck!

We got back late for lunch, & I ended up eating at Pilar's 'cause Doña Carmen had an urgent errand to run. I just hung around there the whole afternoon then, & played cards & B.S.'ed. Don was over twice, & he's always got local gossip to spill. Jaime’s planning to have his folks stay at the luxurious Irazú Hotel, since its prices are not bad, cheaper than most other tourist hotels. It’s one of the best. His folks should find it to their liking. I’ll have to try to help him manage things. That wedding is going to be a big project!

Journal, April 12, 1976 AM

<I can’t really say anything of substance has changed between Sofia & me from yesterday morning ‘til this, but my mood has. I guess it’s just being around Sofia for a while, the worries slip away.> I did get some verbal reassurance from her as well. She knows we must wait a year & a half, and accepts it, regretfully, like me. She’s honest enough to say it’ll be hard, & she’s not sure, but she’s confident she can make it. That’s probably what’s heightened my spirits - she’s so confident & assured right now.

One negative note though. She says the folks held a family conference on whether she could go up to Wisconsin for a visit, and went thumbs down on the idea. Pshaw! Thwarted by the family autocracy again! But it may not be the final word yet.

<We went to “dar una vuelta {take a walk}” with Jaime & Pilar, and 2 of Sofia’s sisters last night, & Sofia had a beer in the Soda {local restaurant}.> But she had the waiter put it in a glass instead of bringing the bottle, so no one would know! Some secret, she should have asked for a colored glass!

Journal, April 11, 1976 AM

We made it of course, & I am in the Castillo Murillo house where I spent the night. The family is bustling around, & something is frying for breakfast with a constant crackling of lard. The super romantic tones of a Latin love song are coming over the radio. I think that’s part of what’s got me upset & tense this morning - the women here just live on that crap. They never seem to find a realism somewhere between that unattainable (& really undesirable!) dream world, and their own men who generally drink too much, & chase anything in a skirt. But how different is it really from a small town in the States?

Yesterday we had the company of the Guatemalan Girl Scouts ‘til we hit the border in Peñas Blancas {Costa Rica}. They were met by their Costarican hosts. <After the 2 beers we drank at the border wore off, I began intensely, almost feverishly to read “You Can’t Go Home Again”, feeling somehow that I had to finish it before seeing Sofia. I was engrossed in Wolfe’s thoughts, and also had some (half absurd) feeling that if I finished, I would find some thoughts which would help me resolve my own dilemma with Sofia.> Wolfe’s insight into who our “enemy” is in America & indeed in the world(!), was a gem, but he never felt the need for or sought a lifelong companion of the opposite sex. Indeed, he had a rather chauvinistic attitude toward women, though I’m sure most women of his time period fit his description (due to their socialization into it of course). Wolfe was an accurate & vivid describer of life, above all else that he was.

<So all yesterday & still I am drifting in this attitude of discontent with my relationship with Sofia.> She’s a beautiful person - loving, honest, pure of soul - but her perspective is so closed in in this infernal little town. And she can’t see it, & has no will to break the bonds. Last night she was teasing me gently about marriage again: “Si algun día nos casemos {If some day we should marry} ...” And a good little San Antonio girl has to marry in white to show she’s pure and wear a crown of flowers, etc. She says it’s necessary for her parents, not her, but you can see the glow in her eyes that says it will fulfill all she was taught as a wee girl about the good, the proper & the beautiful.

A frank private talk is in order. When we talk in her house I can never tell if she is giving me her sentiments, or what she knows the people on the other sides of thin walls want to hear. I too hesitate to talk frankly in that situation. <The whole process is so tied into the family in San Antonio, but it ain’t Sofia’s fault!>

Journal, April 9, 1976 PM

It’s been a memorable day. Poor Jaime {Olson} almost got left by the Tica Bus. He was waiting in the restaurant in San Miguel where we always stop to eat breakfast. But today the bus was running late & the driver didn’t even slow down. I recovered from the shock of realizing we actually whizzed right by where Jaime had to be waiting (I could picture his look of disbelief & utter despair in my mind!), and went forward to talk to the driver. He was late & in a bad mood, & wasn’t going to turn around, but a group of Girl Scouts from Guatemala started chanting “Que regresemos {Let’s go back}!”, and got the whole bus to go along. Thanks to them we went back. Then Jaime wasn’t there! As it turned out he had run after the bus for more than a kilometer, & after a minute, came running back. When he boarded the bus panting he was already a celebrity! The Girl Scouts were chanting his name. Ironically, I had been thoroughly disgusted with these same girls shortly after we left San Salvador, when they began fairly shouting some of their favorite cheery songs while I was trying to read. Just like Girl Scouts on an outing in the U.S.!

The incident of us forcing the driver to go back for Jaime broke down the tension which usually separates bus passengers, & we talked at length with the folks on all sides of us. A truly remarkable phenomenon! Jaime lent his cards to the Girl Scouts. They invited us to sit with them at lunch, & we had to show them pictures of our “novias {girl friends}”. We rapped with 3 North Americans and 2 Costaricans who were all traveling together - extremely nice people! A girl from Nicaragua who lives in San Salvador started up a conversation with Jaime, & ended up giving me the names of several good books by Central American authors. What a breakthrough a small crisis can be!

We had the bottle of marañón wine on the road and 5 bottles of Victoria beer with supper, & I’m still under the influence. Another look at the pictures from Christmas in Costa Rica, & I will retire fully primed for my arrival there tomorrow. <Limber those long arms up for a strong embrace Sofia!>

Journal, April 8, 1976 PM

I’ve been doing it all day, writing down things I had no intention of writing & then having to scribble them out. <I guess I’m nervous about seeing Sofia again.> The more important a person is to me the more nervous I get about seeing him. I feel I’ll show myself inadequate - figuratively piss my pants or spill my drink all over me! And then there’s the other side: Is she as good and beautiful a person as I’ve imagined her, or have I just imagined I saw in her the qualities I wanted to see? But what-to-fuck, I’m goin’ down there!

In honor of starting the second volume of the journal, I am going to take a drink of a bit of wine made from a fruit called marañón, and describe what it tastes like. Well, it tastes strong and sharp, & doesn’t really have a distinctive taste other than that. It reminds me a little of some dandelion wine we made at home once. It didn’t quite turn out, but was it alcoholic! I detected a kind of a funny flavor in this marañón wine, but now I think it was only the plastic glass. I’ll go get a glass one.

Yeah it was just the glass, but Lord this stuff is strong - got me feeling woozy after 2 shots. I’ll save the rest for Jaime & me on the road. At 6 {AM} I’m on my way, Costa Rica or bust!

I’m in San Salvador of course, at the usual 4 Colones boarding house. I dropped off the tattoo-er in Sonsonate on the way in this morning. <I got 200 Costarican Colones from Banco Salvadoreño {the Salvadoran bank} (at 3.404 per Salvadoran Colon), and bought Sofia her shell necklace, & Doña Carmen her carrying bag.> I also got Doña Carmen some Salvadoran towels - she always raves about mine. It’s sort of a thank you for letting me stay there when I come, & being so good to me.

I got a letter from Gert Verberkmoes in my mailbox today. She’s all set to plant her garden, & extra happy because a neighbor’s tree that used to shade her garden finally succumbed to Dutch Elm Disease. That’s what keeps her alive, 75 years old, but always looking ahead to the next job, & the next little bit of excitement that’ll come her way. She wrote me a while back, worried I was throwing my life away - giving up a chance at law school, & now getting involved with a woman down here. She makes everyone’s problems hers, & the interest she takes in them, keeps her vital and active. How very alive she is!

I went out to Steve Pamperin’s after supper at La Florida {restaurant}. I owe him for a phone call, over $40, but can’t pay ‘til next month. My money’s all committed this month. I didn’t expect the bill back so quick. He was heading for a bank function so he brought me into town (& introduced me to a nice young secretary who’s looking for a novio {boy friend} from Cuerpo de Paz {Peace Corps}!). Steve’s so good, but so conservative that he shuts himself off from a lot of things. He better watch out, or that secretary will latch onto him & marry him though!

Journal, April 7, 1976 PM (Wednesday)

I’m ready. I not only am all packed for my trip to Costa Rica, I have already locked the suitcase, & laid out my clothes for tomorrow. <I had the suitcase all closed once & remembered that I hadn’t put the pictures from Christmas in - after I gave Sofia permission to kill me if I forgot them!>

It was not an eventful day. I put in my morning appearance at El Maizal, ate some frozen jocotes and 2 ripe mangos. I reminded the agrónomo {agricultural extensionist} that we need to start selling rabbits, again. We have 87 rabbits, Aristides & I calculated. There will be more tomorrow as one female rabbit is due, & pulling fur from her chest!

I planned to play some softball in the afternoon with the Plan Basico {Basic Plan} girls. I put on my running trunks, muscle shirt, tennies and baseball cap (it was un-Godly hot!), and rode down to the school on my bike, but they didn’t show. It’s not the first time that teacher has told me there would be practice such & such a day, and then skipped out! I consoled myself by going swimming and running on the beach.

I experienced guilt feelings for doing absolutely nothing Peace Corps “mission” related all afternoon, but really there was nothing for me to do at El Maizal. I hustled & did it all in the morning. I won’t be completely content as long as I’m in a flunky job like this though. I’ve got to do something which furthers my search for answers about life & the universe. Reading is the only activity I have right now which is pointed in that direction. And of course people watching & analysis, which is a constant. I have been feeling the need to write strongly since I’ve been alone, since Jay left. I can’t get started though, shoot down all my ideas before they get to my fingertips! I guess the need isn’t strong enough to overcome my self-doubt & fear of ridicule yet. Here ends volume I of my "memoirs", never thought I’d get this far!

Journal, April 7, 1976 AM

I’m still reading "You Can’t Go Home Again". {Thomas} Wolfe will get bogged down describing one person or one event with endless petty superlatives, repeating & repeating his main point until you are sick of hearing about it. But then he’ll write a passage where you hang on every word because it just drips with the truth that only a man who has tirelessly analyzed his own experiences can tell. I think Wolfe limited his experience & thus his perspective though by spending most of his adult life in the center of New York City. His is a hard, callous portrait of life. Man endures it, defies its constant attempts to squash him. There is little of man exulting in the beauty and power of nature, love for land tilled with your own hands, or the exuberance of passionate love (of a woman or of nature) in his writing. They are not part of Wolfe’s vision.

I tattooed goats yesterday, and counted new baby rabbits, and turned over the compost in our compost pile. If I didn’t know it was a compost pile, I’d swear it was just a pile of heating stinking manure, just like we make at home when we can’t get on the fields in midwinter to spread it! It’ll be great organic fertilizer in any case.

Aristides brought a big bag of jocotes for me. They were ripe ones (you can eat them green too), bright red outside and yellow & sweet within. They are something like plums, but smaller and sweeter. I ate hundreds of them at this time of year in San Isidro last year. Everyone there seemed to have jocote trees. I forgot my bag of jocotes at El Maizal yesterday. Or rather, I forgot the half a bag I didn’t eat there!

I planned to spend the afternoon writing my article about the animal health conference for the Peace Corps Newspaper. I got all set to write, and along came Elena. First time I’d seen her to talk to in a while, and she was up for talking. I pretended I was trying very hard to write, but she seemed not to notice. So I dropped my pen, and started asking her questions. She’s still taking sewing classes and hanging around home. No wonder they get married, the alternative is prolonged, absolute boredom! We got to talking about Jay and Susan. She (Elena) had assumed Susan was Jay’s sister or some other relative (so she said). I said no, just another of Jay’s many friends or "novias {girl friends}", if you prefer that term. Then she wanted to know how-come-is-it Jay has so many “novias” and I have only one, and her an unseen, & thus questionable entity off in Costa Rica? She was being as forward as she dared, telling me she was open to the suggestion, but I ignored the implication, and answered with my one-good-novia-basta {is enough} line. Lord I’m not ready for romantic involvement with Elena of all people. I know her too well!

I did get my article done after she left. I had brought out my sheaf of photos to show her the great change we undergo up north between winter and summer. I tried to center the article around the idea of hicks in the city, but it came out kind of disjointed like my thoughts are these days.

I ate supper, tried to watch the sun set (It went behind a cloud before it got to the horizon, & I gave up on it.), washed off the “tattoo-adora”, and read some more Thomas Wolfe.

I tried sleeping in the hammock, but was restless, and slept poorly because it doesn’t allow me to toss & turn as I’m prone to do when I’m not physically tired enough to sleep soundly. It rained last evening, how refreshing & renewing. I love that ozone smell, can get high on it!

Journal, April 6, 1976 AM

I finally got all the tattoo-able rabbits done yesterday, & did a lot of other chores as well. They had not given the goats any silage since the last time I did it. I could tell by the way I closed the silo. They’ve gotten awfully skinny - Aristides says one falls down by herself - but they haven’t figured out why! So I gave them some silage. I won’t have them die in my presence at least!

The “Plan Basico {Basic Plan}” girls from Metalio were practicing softball when I rode by in the afternoon, so I stopped in to help out their coach. It’s been a while since I played, but it’s always fun. He’s got some girls who really can play, & some who have a lot to learn, but none of them are sissies trying to be dainty, they all come to play! That’s one aspect in which they’re way ahead of the average school girl softball team back home.

That wore me out, & I didn’t get anything done last night. I have to write an article for the Peace Corps Newspaper about our two day animal health conference, and today will have to be the day.

Letter, April 5, 1976

Jan,

I see what you mean about entering a different time warp, even your letter was so fast-paced I had to read it over 3 times to fully digest it! I’m getting kind of restless, feeling that I should stop wasting my time here & start getting about the business of my future life. But Metalío gives me time to reflect & sort things out, and your letter helped show me I still need that. I better know exactly where I want to go before I re-enter that world, or the tide will get hold of me again and start washing me out to sea. So I’ll probably continue reading novels, playing with Physics from time to time, & trying to put together a viable life plan.

Jay & I skinned and cooked a rabbit shortly after I got back - with help from Susan, the goat lady. Susan used to raise & show goats like we did cows, & she knows lots about them. She reminds me of the average farm girl you might have met at State Fair when we went, very nice & quite pretty too. She & Jay are headed for Belize right now. I’ve got the place to myself until I head for Costa Rica the 9th.

Mom sent the pictures & I showed them to Jaime Olson. They came out great (all but one a half-drunk guy took!), and of course he liked them. He & Pilar always seem to take a good picture.

I got real tattooing pliers from the Ministry of Agriculture and went wild tattooing rabbits today! That huge brown female rabbit had about 11 babies last night! The goats are eating grass & weeds in the melon patch now. They don’t give them silage & they forbid me to milk them anymore. Grrrrr!

<Sofia thought I was awfully preoccupied when I left Costa Rica, & assumed it must be her fault.> I wrote her it was just tiredness & my thoughtful nature, but by her second letter (3 were waiting for me when I got back from Belize.) she had let it slide, so no big thing. She’s getting into her studies at the university now & she writes me things like I felt when first exposed to higher education. I hope & believe it will open up a whole new dimension of life for her, as I think it did for me. I feel a little like a parent, hoping my kid will derive the same insights from something which I did! The more she grows intellectually, the more I stand to benefit all the way around! And you know what a greedy macho {male} I am!

I wish you luck in cutting down on your smoking without breaking off from your friends. It’s tough. Among the guys I trained with in Costa Rica, drinking beer is a social necessity every time we get together - not that a little dope doesn’t float around too. It keeps me from doing heavy thinking when we get together, because we drink every afternoon & evening, and then my head’s not clear ‘til next day. I guess the majority of humanity is in the same rut - they’d rather not think too much.

I hope you can get it together to go to Belize or Costa Rica for August or January. Buena suerte {Good luck}, eh! Que tal el Español {How is your Spanish}?

Love,

Dean

Journal, April 4, 1976 PM

The line above {referring to the last line of my previous journal entry} sums up my day, tattooing rabbits and letter writing. I feel very “caught up” and very tired at 9:14 PM. I will clear off my cot, find a sheet, & sleep it off.

Letter, April 4, 1976

Dear Mom, Dad & all,

Thanks a whole bunch for sending the pictures. There’s going to be some very happy folks in Costa Rica when they see them. I already showed them to Jim Olson (the husky guy with the mustache in a couple of the pictures) and he liked them a lot. Got a couple real good ones of he and Pilar, his fiancé (as you’ve already seen of course).

<I guess you figured out which one is Sofia with no trouble!> I love the picture of her & her grandparents, with the unpainted house, the flowers & the corn stalk. And she’s a head taller than either of them!

<I’m leaving for Costa Rica this Friday to spend the week before Easter with Sofia and the Castillo Murillo family.> It’ll be a good time to be away from Metalio. Easter week is the time when every Salvadoran who possibly can goes to the beach & Metalio is one of the popular ones. Also, April is the hottest month of the year in El Salvador (because it’s when the sun passes directly overhead on its way up to the Tropic of Cancer, Tom), and nowhere is it any hotter than here at sea level.

Did Jan bring you the “Tico Times” to look at? The “Tico Times” is one of 2 English language newspapers published in San Jose, the capital {of Costa Rica}. There are a lot of North Americans living in Costa Rica, especially retired people. They are even supposed to be getting a T.V. station in English for them now. Costa Rica likes the income from those pension checks being spent there & they have made it convenient for many pensioners to make their homes there.

Jay {Hasheider, the other Volunteer at my site} and I killed, skinned and spit fried a rabbit the other day. We got sick of telling the folks at El Maizal it was time to start eating or selling the excess rabbits & took matters into our own hands! Neither of us had ever skinned a rabbit before, but it came out just fine – we even ate the liver, heart & kidneys. Two friends of Jay’s were over & between the 4 of us it was all we could do to eat it. Big rabbit! With salad & beer it was a feast!

I spent today tattooing rabbits with a tattooing jobber I borrowed from the Ministry of Agriculture office in Sonsonate. At last I think we’re going to be able to keep track of which bunny is which! Too bad they don’t have the Peter Rabbit legend here; we could make a fortune selling “Easter Bunnies”.

Well I hope you had a good time in Baltimore.

Take care,

Dean

Journal, April 4, 1976 AM

The kid who is supposed to sleep in the other room of the rancho {beach house}, just to look after things, has a buddy over. They’ve been talking since about 4 AM, and at quarter to six they turned on the radio. Sometimes I wonder who should be paying rent here!

I got out of San Salvador about 10 and was eating at Don Tin’s at 12:30 yesterday - a fairly fast trip. I finally got the mosquito netting sewed onto the frames after having promised Jay over a month ago that I’d do it.

Today it’s back to tattooing rabbits and maybe letter writing. Life goes on.

Journal, April 3, 1976 AM

Today is sister Donna’s birthday. I had completely forgotten until I wrote the date just now. Sorry Donna!

I’m up and writing before the other guys have finished sleeping off the night before, same as yesterday. Russ just asked me what I was reading.

Yesterday we went to a modern, clean slaughterhouse that ships meat to the US, Quality Meats. Just a Salvadoran Oscar Mayer plant! Then we went to La Libertad for lunch & a short swim. All in all it was a pleasant time together.

After a meal & beer I hit the bed at about 9, and was too tired to rise again. <I’ve been lying here thinking about Sofia & I for a few minutes. I got 2 letters from her & 1 from her sister yesterday.> She’s enjoying the university, says she likes philosophy. I’m pleased as a proud parent. I know university study is going to expand her perspective immensely if she sticks with it. Greedily, I want her to study so I can reap the benefits of her increased maturity and worldliness. Why not?

I just wish we could do it together - learning & loving, tranquility base! But she’s not ready for a US university yet, and the University of Costa Rica is too much or a step down for me, even if I could afford study abroad. But the logical course is so cold!

Journal, April 2, 1976 AM

Yesterday was a great reunion for the Forage group. When I arrived at Peace Corps Office at 9 AM, Diego & Jaime & Miguel were already playing darts in back. Mike’s growing a beard now, which gives us all face hair. About 10 or so we got the meeting going, but Russell still had not appeared, and I was beginning to wonder if he’d make it at all for this conference. Doc. Eisenhower told us a lot of good stuff about animal health problems. God he’s sharp & energetic. He’s really gotten a handle on the problems in the El Salvador livestock industry since he’s been here!

We ate lunch at the “Greasy chicken place” at noon, and por fin {finally} Russell appeared shortly thereafter. He was smiling that huge smile which completely dominates his small face, and toting his harmonica, como siempre {as always}. Another vet. {veterinarian} gave us a slide show on vesicular diseases in livestock in the afternoon, & we made plans to go to some slaughterhouses & end up at La Libertad today.

Later in the evening we 6 all had a meal at Canton {Chinese restaurant} and a few beers. Just easy talk among friends. Russell plans to marry October 1st, & return to school in the US. Fred has a serious girl back home, & frets some about the responsibility of it, but he never went whoring or anything before, so it’s no big change in his lifestyle. Diego & Fred plan to drive back to the States in a car they’ll buy, & take their time.

I think we-re already starting to dissolve as a group, preparing ourselves for October, when we’ll just pick out our paths & wave to each other.

Images, April, 1976

Ismael Peña, wife, daughter Pati & friends. San Salvador, {March} 1976.

Ismael Peña, family & friends {& me} near his San Salvador home. He's an agricultural extensionist.

Journal, March 31, 1976 PM

Busy day, I did a lot of little chores around El Maizal, including tattooing 17 rabbits. We’ll see how they turn out! They killed a rabbit for the students, & were going to chuck the liver & kidneys, so I had a feast at noon: Rice & vegetable soup, & fried red beans with my “bargain of the week”. Rabbits have big livers too!

Would you believe I sewed again tonight - some pants I need to wear in to San Salvador tomorrow. I’m looking forward to seeing all the guys tomorrow, especially Russell {Soules}. They say he’s getting married, but hasn’t decided when (or maybe she hasn’t told him yet!).

Something Jaime said to me is still stuck in my mind. I guess it offended me a little. He said (extremely matter-of-factly, as he does most things), "You’re smart, Dino, but you’re not a genius." Now that seems harmless enough, but actually I still hold some hope of doing something worthy of genius yet in my life. Although Einstein proved himself a genius at 24, Walt Whitman was over 30 at the first publication of "Leaves of Grass", and Carl Sandburg was past 65 when he began to show his "genius". Jaime will never do anything worthy of genius because he’s already resigned himself to the fact that it’s not possible for him, but he doesn’t have to make it his business to shoot down the rest of us dreamers!

Journal, March 31, 1976 AM

I picked up Jay’s mail and hit the road yesterday, reaching Sonsonate by 10:30 AM or so. Wonder of wonders, they loaned me the tattooing machine from the MAG {Ministerio de Agricultura y Ganaderia} office with no holdups! So I’ll give ‘er a try today.

I took it easy in the afternoon, sewing up my cutoffs, and trying to fit a spring I bought onto the gear-changer of my bike. <After supper I finally got at the letter to Sofia.>

I tried to tell her how much I respected her for coming right out and telling me she thought I was preoccupied and somewhat annoyed when I left Costa Rica - possibly because of something she’d done. I don’t think anyone has ever been so completely open with me ever, except Jan, and only on this last visit did we seem to break down the last barriers. <Sofia says her love for me is so pure she’s not afraid to tell me all her thoughts.> Now ain’t that a beautiful situation (siempre y cuando es verdad, no {as long as it’s the truth, right}?).

Then I explained to her that I was just generally run down when I left her, from doin’ stuff alternately with her & Jan. <Jan’s negative feedback about Sofia had me a little "pensativo {worried}", too, but I didn’t lay that on her.> I always filter what I tell other people, even if only a little bit!

Journal, March 30, 1976 AM

Well, Jaime and I are set to go to Costa Rica April 9. I got all my little errands done yesterday except picking up Jay’s mail. I’ll do that this morning, & then hit the rode for Sonsonate. I filled out my absentee ballot for the Wisconsin Primary {election}. I voted for Udall, although from Sunday’s {New York} Times, it sounds like he’s playing up to H.H.H. {Hubert Humphrey} more than I’d like to see. I think a Udall victory in Wisconsin would keep the campaign interesting by putting another name in the running, a liberal alternative to Carter. Jan says Udall has a chance, but the Times says Carter is "leading". It’s all kind of a circus anyway. Who knows what Carter or Udall would do as President?

Jaime tells me there’s a meeting on animal health with Doc. Eisenhower scheduled for Thursday & Friday. Chico’s {Francisco Rodriguez, Peace Corps Agriculture Program Director} out of the country, so there’s no way to find out if he officially sanctioned it or not. I think I’ll come in to see the guys. I haven’t seen Russell {Soules} in ages. We ran into Willie at Peace Corps Office, yesterday. He’s gotten married since last I saw him, and is working on a residency for his wife in the US. It seems his grandmother is near death, and he’s going back to help run his grandpa’s farm for a while. Under his callous exterior it seems Willie has a soft spot in his heart at least. He’s still crazy as ever of course. He said he got married for convenience, just papers he says.

Fred Tracy hit town yesterday afternoon, & we went to eat with him last night. He’s a truly hardworking and dedicated {Peace Corps} Volunteer, and never satisfied with how much he’s doing. We went to see Ron & Nancy Shiflet at their San Salvador house, but no luck, they weren’t home. Jaime & Fred are both pretty down on Ron. They say he hardly goes to work, has the subdirector of Ganaderia {Livestock Farming} pissed off at him, and never gets out to the campo {rural zone}. I’ve only seen him once or twice around the {Peace Corps} office, & he says he’s not doing much. He shouldn’t slack off in his support of the other guys like that though - they’re bitter.

<I haven’t written to Sofia yet - wrote 3 or 4 lines.> It’ll have to wait ‘til I get to Metalio.

Journal, March 29, 1976 AM

Yesterday was a scorcher, and just when I was ready to take it easy for the evening, along comes Jaime with 2 Salvadoran buddies from Anamoros, and a full bottle of Tic Tack {Salvadoran liquor similar to vodka}. I really hate being put in that situation. Nearly always, when you are with Salvadorans, and they are drinking, they obligate you not only to drink, but drink exactly as much as they do. And at the least they want to get drunk enough so they can just barely stagger home & fall into bed. I was lucky, they had all been drinking at a soccer game and were way ahead of me, so I was able to match them beer for beer, & drink a shot of Tic Tack too without really getting wasted. I got bloated on the beer though, and started yawning because I was exhausted, and this offended one of the guys, since they were ostensibly trying to show me a good time, and I wasn’t enjoying myself enough to satisfy him.

I took 2 aspirin before retiring, and don’t have a hangover as of yet. Sometimes they sneak up on you after you’ve been up a couple hours though!

I left Metalio after breakfast with Jay, who was bound for Sonsonate. I did some shopping in San Salvador, & then hit Peace Corps Office. I hit the jackpot on mail, as I expected after more than 3 weeks. <Sofia had 3 letters waiting for me, and there were also a letter from home (with the long-awaited Costa Rica photos), and one from Bob & Fran Redman.>

<Poor Sofia!> I was worn out when I left Costa Rica, from catering to her & Jan both for a week. Apparently it showed. She wrote in her first letter that she felt I was very distant from her at the time of my departure, that she had done something wrong, etc., and that was why I was acting like that. God, I didn’t mean to leave that impression, it was just the fast pace of doing something with Jan & then something with her. They both got more rest than I did! And being with Jan was especially taxing because we tried to do & see a lot, and I always had to do the asking & explaining, & the extra running around. <By her second letter Sofia had let that lie, but I’ll have to write her about it and try to explain.> She’s too perceptive for her own tranquility, like me, reading much into people’s actions or appearance.

In the afternoon I went to Ismael Peña’s home for a long delayed visit. He wants badly to study in the US and is trying everything he can think of. I have my doubts about him making it. You need either money to completely finance yourself, or an impressive academic record. He has neither. However, he has work experience in his field of interest, irrigation, and seems willing to sacrifice in order to study. I translated a letter for him, so he can send it to the Rockefeller Foundation to ask about their scholarships. It’s a long, long shot, but he really wants to keep trying.

<He gave me a US map in Spanish which I’ll take down to show Sofia & Pilar.> It has Wisconsin clearly marked, and you can even see the Castlerock & Petenwell flowages near home! It took me ‘til 5 or so to get away from Ismael. He’s like LeRoy Heitman, up home, loves to B.S.

Journal, March 27, 1976 PM

I spent the afternoon with needle in hand today, mending a few of my clothes. I’m slow at sewing anyway, & I haven’t fixed up my stuff in some time. I didn’t finish.

This damn pen is giving me trouble. The first one of this brand I bought worked fine. However, I bought that one in Costa Rica & this one here. God it’s hard to get a decent pen in this country.

Journal, March 26, 1976 PM

Today it was Jay’s turn to be angry at the El Maizal folks. Someone broke one of his special thermometers for taking soil temperatures, a $30 thermometer. Of course we will never know who broke it or how, since they are all like sly little children in such matters. I guess it is our fault. We North Americans just take a long time learning that you can’t trust anyone with anything, even to leave something that’s of no value to him, alone! And the general attitude among the most sympathetic of the people at El Maizal is, you should expect that kind of thing if you try to do something here. It’s very stifling to what little initiative I have left.

I went to Sonsonate this afternoon, to cash a check, and see about getting a tattooing machine from MAG {Ministerio de Agricultura y Ganaderia}. I’ll try MAG again Tuesday. Nobody with authority to loan the tattoo-er was present.

I got a new "matata" {woven bag made of hemp} in the market, the largest and best made one I’ve yet bought. I gave my last one to Jan, to carry stuff onto the plane in Belize.

<I miss Sofia keenly today.> I have the urge to write her, but will wait. I need feedback. Lately all the negative aspects of having a foreign girlfriend have been in my head. The courting and marriage process will be expensive & time consuming. And there are no easy short cuts unless I hit upon a get-rich-quick scheme. Love is a hassle.

Journal, March 26, 1976 AM

Yesterday was a downer; it had me wondering why, as I swore to myself. I went to El Maizal while Jay & Susan took it easy at the rancho {beach house}. I discovered that in my absence they had broken or stolen my milk bottles, stolen the plastic "guacal {bucket}" in which I had milked the goats, broken the only decent silage fork, practically stopped feeding silage to the goats, thus leaving the silage rotting in the silo, and hadn’t given salt or hay to a rabbit even once! Why, why do I try? At least if I were working with private farmers, they would be interested in improving their operation in the interest of economic gain. At El Maizal they don’t even seem to care about that!

I laid a few of my complaints on CREHDO’s lawyer (an intelligent dude), but he wasn’t listening, only getting off on practicing his English with me. So it goes.

Eating at Don Tin’s was about the only pleasant part of the day. He’s what Dad would call “a real swell fella”. He just can’t do enough to be helpful, & see that you get served quickly, etc. Plus, he’s always got some new thing on his mind to tell you about or ask about. He’s probably 70+ years old, but he’s always thinking, planning and figuring: how to improve his business; what they ought to do to improve Metalio; even what’s wrong with the Salvadoran government. His ideas are not B.S. either. They make sense.

I plan to milk the goats today, but what I get is mine. If I’m feeding them silage, providing and cleaning all utensils, and milking them, I’ll be damned if I’ll pay for the milk too!

Journal, March 24, 1976 PM

We are about to have more cantalope - dessert for an incredible evening meal we devoured tonight. We bought a rabbit from El Maizal and roasted it over an open fire. We also had a salad (enough to feed a small army) and fire-cooked potatoes. What an unreal feast - with beer & dope to top it all off, and now cantalope. None of us had ever skinned a rabbit & fried it before, but the maiden voyage was an unqualified success. Oh what you can do with a little initiative and some luck!

Jay & I spent the morning at El Maizal doing doodely-squat. At about 10 Blanca & 2 friends showed up at El Maizal. I thought it might be heavy, her coming while Susan, the goat lady, was around, but nothing happened. They met, talked, etc. Poor Blanca, she’s so crazy for Jay, but he’s a wanderer & a pleasure seeker - so it goes. So we all went to the beach in the afternoon. Low tide came conveniently at about 2 PM. Some days things just fall into place, & just living the day is sufficient. No left over energy to spend wondering about the why and how of it all!

Letter, March 24, 1976

Jan,

I got here!!

I got to Metalío about 3 PM today. I ran into Jay, “the goat lady”, and another {Peace Corps} Volunteer on the bus from Sonsonate. I spent 21 hours on the bus from Flores to Guatemala City, and never did get all the way there! I got off at Jutiapa, about 40 kilometers from the El Salvador border, and took local buses from there to El Salvador & Metalío. I came in at a different place than we left through, & I think it saved me time & money as it turned out.

I expect to get your card when I go into town Monday, so I won’t even ask how you made out. I hope you sent the card from Miami & not the Belize City jail for paupers!

It’s really much too soon for me to start trying to communicate through letters with you. I sure enjoyed the month or so we had together. I hope to see you this fall in Belize or Costa Rica.

Much love,

Dean

Journal, March 23, 1976 PM

I never did get to Guate {Guatemala City}! I got off the bus at Jutiapa, since it is 40 kilometers from El Salvador, and took another bus to the border at San Cristóbal. Once in El Salvador the bus service was more regular & reliable. You can cut El Salvador in a lotta ways, but it has buses going almost everywhere & lots of them (and often full to overflowing!). The blocking of the cross continental {Pan American} highway by the earthquake has really fucked up transportation between Guate {Guatemala City} and the northern part of the country.

The lighter side of that is that now Guatemala is in no position to assert it’s manifest destiny to annex Belize. It has enough problems trying to supply the north of its own country to say nothing of troops in Belize! Local jokes suggest Guatemala was punished by God for its evil designs on Belize, or that the British deliberately started the earthquake by setting off an explosion in a deep hole! As one Belizean told me, "The people thinking 'those white people very smart, so maybe do this thing'."

The goat lady is here with us in Metalio as is Mike Steppling (a PCV {Peace Corps Volunteer} from Sonsonate). Jay is having a good time with his latest woman, of course. She is already telling me what the goats need - she knows a lot about milking goats, obviously. She used to raise goats up in Washington.

Journal, March 23, 1976 AM

I’m still on the bus that was supposed to get me to Guatemala City at 3 AM. The driver & his helpers lost track of time & we spent 4½ hours in some bend in the road in eastern Guatemala. We left Flores at 11:30 AM yesterday & will be lucky to make the whole trip in 24 hours. I’ve been off this bus 3 times since the trip began.

Well, continuing the report on my two fellow North Americans, and their conversation night before last: They outlasted me & I don’t know if they ever said 'good night'.

We’re hittin’ the road again, hope we make Guate {Guatemala City} by noon!

Journal, March 21, 1976 PM

I’m in Flores again, on the trail home. I plan to take a little R. & R. and leave on the late bus tomorrow - some time between 9 & noon.

I am listening to two fellow Norte Americanos {North Americans} discuss very profoundly (if circularly) the problem of disappearing wildlife in the U.S. At this moment they are on the topic of the brutality of deer hunting, & the paranoia it engenders in male deer! Good God, if they’d keep their environmentalist bias pragmatic, people wouldn’t laugh at them, & they might have a chance against the NRA {National Rifle Association}. I agree we need to protect wildlife (and watersheds & natural vegetation) but management is the key word, not humane appeals to spare a game animal suffering.

And now on to world weather irregularities - a topic which interests me too! I like the theory that the weather between about 1910 & 1960 was unusually mild & constant in comparison with the earth’s long history, and that we are headed for more feast & famine variations in the future.

Now they’re finally saying good night (I hope it don’t take half an hour!), so I’ll follow suit.

Journal, March 21, 1976 AM (Sunday)

It’s 10 AM and I’m just getting around to writing. I’m on the bus headed for San Ignacio and then the border with Guatemala. The cement boat wasn’t due back for a week or 10 days, the manager said, so I couldn’t make it - no money to wait that long.

I said good-by to Jan this morning at 7. It’ll be August or else December before I see her. I hope she can make it down to Costa Rica (rather than Belize), but she sounds more tentative & doubtful now than she did when we were down there. I guess she’ll have to get back and see how she readjusts to her present situation before she decides if she really thinks it will be worth the hard work & selfsacrifice it will mean. It sure was pleasant having Jan around. I feel reassured about the sanity of my own life plans after conversing intimately with her for a month.

A forgotten travel note: We have seen many British soldiers in Belize - especially those off-duty in Belize City. The most interesting of them was at the Mayan ruins with Rudolf. As we neared the top of the highest ruin, here were 2 short-haired, baby-faced young men in civilian clothes, but cooking their food up in army type field mess equipment, and with an assorted collection of field glasses & telescopes laying around. Rudolf caught on immediately and said, “British checking on Guatemalan troop movements, hey?” It took me until I saw all the British in Belize City to assure myself he was right.

<I got to get a letter from Sofia soon.> It’s been much too long without contact. I start to think evil thoughts, like it really wouldn’t hurt her if I had sex with another woman. Really, objectively, that’s true, but she couldn’t take knowing about it, & I would feel very evil & advantage-taking keeping it from her.

Journal, March 19, 1976 PM

We’re in Belize City tonight and are about to retire after a real day of extravagance. We had 3 ice milk cones apiece today, and split a bag of popcorn in a movie we went to (and to beat all we walked out of the movie after halfway ‘cause it stunk). Yes sir, we lived high on the hog today. However, we ate no restaurant meals, relying entirely on cheese, bread & fruit. You can get Kraft cheese in Belize for 80 cents / lb. and we are enjoying it. Rudolf was right about the cheap ice milk too! I didn’t find out about getting a cement boat yet - none in port - but will try tomorrow. We have our budget worked out through Sunday, & tomorrow we plan a big breakfast here at Posada Tropicana, and sweet & sour shrimp at a Chinese restaurant!

Jan & I are sharing a bed tonight ‘cause it was so much cheaper.

<Man I got to get back to El Salvador & get some letters from Sofia, soon.> It won’t help much though. Love by mail just ain’t the same, no-how!

Journal, March 18, 1976 PM

We had a great time today, thanks partly to Rudolf, a German tourist who is staying here in the Central Hotel in San Ignacio, also. We met him this morning and went with him to see the Mayan ruins at X______ {Xunantunich}. They were interesting, but already too “restored”, and they were continuing to rebuild the main “temple” with rocks, sand & cement! Once completely “restored” one would imagine, tourists will flock in to marvel at its perfection!

It was a relaxing day & a peaceful one. Rudolf gave us advice about Belize City, & we gave him info. about Flores & Guatemala in general. We also rapped about Germany & the U.S. and world affairs, and Americans affinity for McDonalds. Jan & I each had 3 beers today - a treat we haven’t allowed ourselves since leaving El Salvador. We have to make a 5 AM bus, so it’s time to hit the hay.

Journal, March 18, 1976 AM

We’re in San Ignacio, in Cayo District of Belize. We have heard nothing but negative stuff about Belize since we’ve been here! A Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) told us Belizeans (especially in the capital) are distrustful of gringos {North Americans} & she and another guy both said Belize City was a real dump - not to go there to spend much time. Well, we’re going today anyway!

In this town the people speak some Spanish and some Creole (a form of bastardized English which is almost impossible for us to follow). Most everyone can speak English as well, so we have no problem being understood, etc. We are far from the coast, yet there are many Caribbean Blacks even in San Ignacio, & they were playing some “Caribbean beat” music over at the local soccer field when we went over to watch them practicing last evening.

The people here aren’t farmers. The PCV said they import almost everything but bananas, oranges, and rice & beans. Thus food is expensive, & there are no cheap El Salvador style "comedors {small restaurants}", at least not here. The people don’t keep animals around the house (chickens, pigs, a cow) as in El Salvador & Guatemala, even though there is grass & surely food garbage to feed them. They aren’t farmers! The PCV says there are about 60,000 Belizean "creoles {natives}" in the States - mostly illegally - and this is part of the reason for their standoffishness toward gringos. The U.S. has been cracking down on illegal aliens lately.

We left Flores at 10 yesterday, after a morning swim. What clear warm (super clean) water, & full of little fish that would come up & tickle your legs if you sat still long enough! The bus ride was dusty, but not bad, & we managed to bluff the Guatemala border people into not charging us extra, even though we went through before 2 PM, when they "officially" reopen the border. We had a scare on the Belize side when they asked how much money we were carrying. Then Jan showed them her airline ticket, and they must have assumed it was for both of us, ‘cause they passed us right through!

We hope to see some Mayan ruins & maybe take a swim before we leave here today, con suerte {with luck}.

Journal, March 16, 1976 PM

We are in a 1.50 Quetzal / person place with toilets you have to sit sidewise on, in Flores, Guatemala. We had another day of ups & downs, and plan to head for Melchor de Mencos & the Belize border tomorrow. We are bypassing Tikal after having our fill of being around tourist types and their counterparts, the petty con artists, ever since we entered the country. It’s a shame to miss it, but with time & money short, we could only make a quick run around things, & it would have been grueling with all the bus travel.

After eating like flies for the last 3 days in Guatemala City, we ate an enormous meal tonight (fixed home-style by a wrinkled Mayan woman downstairs), and I have a stomach ache. I feel like after Thanksgiving dinner at home - like a balloon ready to burst.

We survived the Ides of March, though there was a tremor at 4:10 that morning and one at 4:30 this morning. The occurrence of these tremors in the wee hours of the morning, plus the fact that the February 4th earthquake here also took place in the "madrugada {wee hours of the morning}" (at 3 AM), led me to speculate that perhaps tremors are most likely to occur when the earth’s surface is coolest & thus contracted relative to the constant T {temperature} layer below it. This would cause an increased stress, which might lead to sliding of "plates" of the earth’s surface. I wonder at what times of day other big quakes have occurred.