Journal, April 7, 1976 PM (Wednesday)

I’m ready. I not only am all packed for my trip to Costa Rica, I have already locked the suitcase, & laid out my clothes for tomorrow. <I had the suitcase all closed once & remembered that I hadn’t put the pictures from Christmas in - after I gave Sofia permission to kill me if I forgot them!>

It was not an eventful day. I put in my morning appearance at El Maizal, ate some frozen jocotes and 2 ripe mangos. I reminded the agrónomo {agricultural extensionist} that we need to start selling rabbits, again. We have 87 rabbits, Aristides & I calculated. There will be more tomorrow as one female rabbit is due, & pulling fur from her chest!

I planned to play some softball in the afternoon with the Plan Basico {Basic Plan} girls. I put on my running trunks, muscle shirt, tennies and baseball cap (it was un-Godly hot!), and rode down to the school on my bike, but they didn’t show. It’s not the first time that teacher has told me there would be practice such & such a day, and then skipped out! I consoled myself by going swimming and running on the beach.

I experienced guilt feelings for doing absolutely nothing Peace Corps “mission” related all afternoon, but really there was nothing for me to do at El Maizal. I hustled & did it all in the morning. I won’t be completely content as long as I’m in a flunky job like this though. I’ve got to do something which furthers my search for answers about life & the universe. Reading is the only activity I have right now which is pointed in that direction. And of course people watching & analysis, which is a constant. I have been feeling the need to write strongly since I’ve been alone, since Jay left. I can’t get started though, shoot down all my ideas before they get to my fingertips! I guess the need isn’t strong enough to overcome my self-doubt & fear of ridicule yet. Here ends volume I of my "memoirs", never thought I’d get this far!

Journal, April 7, 1976 AM

I’m still reading "You Can’t Go Home Again". {Thomas} Wolfe will get bogged down describing one person or one event with endless petty superlatives, repeating & repeating his main point until you are sick of hearing about it. But then he’ll write a passage where you hang on every word because it just drips with the truth that only a man who has tirelessly analyzed his own experiences can tell. I think Wolfe limited his experience & thus his perspective though by spending most of his adult life in the center of New York City. His is a hard, callous portrait of life. Man endures it, defies its constant attempts to squash him. There is little of man exulting in the beauty and power of nature, love for land tilled with your own hands, or the exuberance of passionate love (of a woman or of nature) in his writing. They are not part of Wolfe’s vision.

I tattooed goats yesterday, and counted new baby rabbits, and turned over the compost in our compost pile. If I didn’t know it was a compost pile, I’d swear it was just a pile of heating stinking manure, just like we make at home when we can’t get on the fields in midwinter to spread it! It’ll be great organic fertilizer in any case.

Aristides brought a big bag of jocotes for me. They were ripe ones (you can eat them green too), bright red outside and yellow & sweet within. They are something like plums, but smaller and sweeter. I ate hundreds of them at this time of year in San Isidro last year. Everyone there seemed to have jocote trees. I forgot my bag of jocotes at El Maizal yesterday. Or rather, I forgot the half a bag I didn’t eat there!

I planned to spend the afternoon writing my article about the animal health conference for the Peace Corps Newspaper. I got all set to write, and along came Elena. First time I’d seen her to talk to in a while, and she was up for talking. I pretended I was trying very hard to write, but she seemed not to notice. So I dropped my pen, and started asking her questions. She’s still taking sewing classes and hanging around home. No wonder they get married, the alternative is prolonged, absolute boredom! We got to talking about Jay and Susan. She (Elena) had assumed Susan was Jay’s sister or some other relative (so she said). I said no, just another of Jay’s many friends or "novias {girl friends}", if you prefer that term. Then she wanted to know how-come-is-it Jay has so many “novias” and I have only one, and her an unseen, & thus questionable entity off in Costa Rica? She was being as forward as she dared, telling me she was open to the suggestion, but I ignored the implication, and answered with my one-good-novia-basta {is enough} line. Lord I’m not ready for romantic involvement with Elena of all people. I know her too well!

I did get my article done after she left. I had brought out my sheaf of photos to show her the great change we undergo up north between winter and summer. I tried to center the article around the idea of hicks in the city, but it came out kind of disjointed like my thoughts are these days.

I ate supper, tried to watch the sun set (It went behind a cloud before it got to the horizon, & I gave up on it.), washed off the “tattoo-adora”, and read some more Thomas Wolfe.

I tried sleeping in the hammock, but was restless, and slept poorly because it doesn’t allow me to toss & turn as I’m prone to do when I’m not physically tired enough to sleep soundly. It rained last evening, how refreshing & renewing. I love that ozone smell, can get high on it!

Journal, April 6, 1976 AM

I finally got all the tattoo-able rabbits done yesterday, & did a lot of other chores as well. They had not given the goats any silage since the last time I did it. I could tell by the way I closed the silo. They’ve gotten awfully skinny - Aristides says one falls down by herself - but they haven’t figured out why! So I gave them some silage. I won’t have them die in my presence at least!

The “Plan Basico {Basic Plan}” girls from Metalio were practicing softball when I rode by in the afternoon, so I stopped in to help out their coach. It’s been a while since I played, but it’s always fun. He’s got some girls who really can play, & some who have a lot to learn, but none of them are sissies trying to be dainty, they all come to play! That’s one aspect in which they’re way ahead of the average school girl softball team back home.

That wore me out, & I didn’t get anything done last night. I have to write an article for the Peace Corps Newspaper about our two day animal health conference, and today will have to be the day.

Letter, April 5, 1976

Jan,

I see what you mean about entering a different time warp, even your letter was so fast-paced I had to read it over 3 times to fully digest it! I’m getting kind of restless, feeling that I should stop wasting my time here & start getting about the business of my future life. But Metalío gives me time to reflect & sort things out, and your letter helped show me I still need that. I better know exactly where I want to go before I re-enter that world, or the tide will get hold of me again and start washing me out to sea. So I’ll probably continue reading novels, playing with Physics from time to time, & trying to put together a viable life plan.

Jay & I skinned and cooked a rabbit shortly after I got back - with help from Susan, the goat lady. Susan used to raise & show goats like we did cows, & she knows lots about them. She reminds me of the average farm girl you might have met at State Fair when we went, very nice & quite pretty too. She & Jay are headed for Belize right now. I’ve got the place to myself until I head for Costa Rica the 9th.

Mom sent the pictures & I showed them to Jaime Olson. They came out great (all but one a half-drunk guy took!), and of course he liked them. He & Pilar always seem to take a good picture.

I got real tattooing pliers from the Ministry of Agriculture and went wild tattooing rabbits today! That huge brown female rabbit had about 11 babies last night! The goats are eating grass & weeds in the melon patch now. They don’t give them silage & they forbid me to milk them anymore. Grrrrr!

<Sofia thought I was awfully preoccupied when I left Costa Rica, & assumed it must be her fault.> I wrote her it was just tiredness & my thoughtful nature, but by her second letter (3 were waiting for me when I got back from Belize.) she had let it slide, so no big thing. She’s getting into her studies at the university now & she writes me things like I felt when first exposed to higher education. I hope & believe it will open up a whole new dimension of life for her, as I think it did for me. I feel a little like a parent, hoping my kid will derive the same insights from something which I did! The more she grows intellectually, the more I stand to benefit all the way around! And you know what a greedy macho {male} I am!

I wish you luck in cutting down on your smoking without breaking off from your friends. It’s tough. Among the guys I trained with in Costa Rica, drinking beer is a social necessity every time we get together - not that a little dope doesn’t float around too. It keeps me from doing heavy thinking when we get together, because we drink every afternoon & evening, and then my head’s not clear ‘til next day. I guess the majority of humanity is in the same rut - they’d rather not think too much.

I hope you can get it together to go to Belize or Costa Rica for August or January. Buena suerte {Good luck}, eh! Que tal el Español {How is your Spanish}?

Love,

Dean

Journal, April 4, 1976 PM

The line above {referring to the last line of my previous journal entry} sums up my day, tattooing rabbits and letter writing. I feel very “caught up” and very tired at 9:14 PM. I will clear off my cot, find a sheet, & sleep it off.

Letter, April 4, 1976

Dear Mom, Dad & all,

Thanks a whole bunch for sending the pictures. There’s going to be some very happy folks in Costa Rica when they see them. I already showed them to Jim Olson (the husky guy with the mustache in a couple of the pictures) and he liked them a lot. Got a couple real good ones of he and Pilar, his fiancé (as you’ve already seen of course).

<I guess you figured out which one is Sofia with no trouble!> I love the picture of her & her grandparents, with the unpainted house, the flowers & the corn stalk. And she’s a head taller than either of them!

<I’m leaving for Costa Rica this Friday to spend the week before Easter with Sofia and the Castillo Murillo family.> It’ll be a good time to be away from Metalio. Easter week is the time when every Salvadoran who possibly can goes to the beach & Metalio is one of the popular ones. Also, April is the hottest month of the year in El Salvador (because it’s when the sun passes directly overhead on its way up to the Tropic of Cancer, Tom), and nowhere is it any hotter than here at sea level.

Did Jan bring you the “Tico Times” to look at? The “Tico Times” is one of 2 English language newspapers published in San Jose, the capital {of Costa Rica}. There are a lot of North Americans living in Costa Rica, especially retired people. They are even supposed to be getting a T.V. station in English for them now. Costa Rica likes the income from those pension checks being spent there & they have made it convenient for many pensioners to make their homes there.

Jay {Hasheider, the other Volunteer at my site} and I killed, skinned and spit fried a rabbit the other day. We got sick of telling the folks at El Maizal it was time to start eating or selling the excess rabbits & took matters into our own hands! Neither of us had ever skinned a rabbit before, but it came out just fine – we even ate the liver, heart & kidneys. Two friends of Jay’s were over & between the 4 of us it was all we could do to eat it. Big rabbit! With salad & beer it was a feast!

I spent today tattooing rabbits with a tattooing jobber I borrowed from the Ministry of Agriculture office in Sonsonate. At last I think we’re going to be able to keep track of which bunny is which! Too bad they don’t have the Peter Rabbit legend here; we could make a fortune selling “Easter Bunnies”.

Well I hope you had a good time in Baltimore.

Take care,

Dean

Journal, April 4, 1976 AM

The kid who is supposed to sleep in the other room of the rancho {beach house}, just to look after things, has a buddy over. They’ve been talking since about 4 AM, and at quarter to six they turned on the radio. Sometimes I wonder who should be paying rent here!

I got out of San Salvador about 10 and was eating at Don Tin’s at 12:30 yesterday - a fairly fast trip. I finally got the mosquito netting sewed onto the frames after having promised Jay over a month ago that I’d do it.

Today it’s back to tattooing rabbits and maybe letter writing. Life goes on.

Journal, April 3, 1976 AM

Today is sister Donna’s birthday. I had completely forgotten until I wrote the date just now. Sorry Donna!

I’m up and writing before the other guys have finished sleeping off the night before, same as yesterday. Russ just asked me what I was reading.

Yesterday we went to a modern, clean slaughterhouse that ships meat to the US, Quality Meats. Just a Salvadoran Oscar Mayer plant! Then we went to La Libertad for lunch & a short swim. All in all it was a pleasant time together.

After a meal & beer I hit the bed at about 9, and was too tired to rise again. <I’ve been lying here thinking about Sofia & I for a few minutes. I got 2 letters from her & 1 from her sister yesterday.> She’s enjoying the university, says she likes philosophy. I’m pleased as a proud parent. I know university study is going to expand her perspective immensely if she sticks with it. Greedily, I want her to study so I can reap the benefits of her increased maturity and worldliness. Why not?

I just wish we could do it together - learning & loving, tranquility base! But she’s not ready for a US university yet, and the University of Costa Rica is too much or a step down for me, even if I could afford study abroad. But the logical course is so cold!

Journal, April 2, 1976 AM

Yesterday was a great reunion for the Forage group. When I arrived at Peace Corps Office at 9 AM, Diego & Jaime & Miguel were already playing darts in back. Mike’s growing a beard now, which gives us all face hair. About 10 or so we got the meeting going, but Russell still had not appeared, and I was beginning to wonder if he’d make it at all for this conference. Doc. Eisenhower told us a lot of good stuff about animal health problems. God he’s sharp & energetic. He’s really gotten a handle on the problems in the El Salvador livestock industry since he’s been here!

We ate lunch at the “Greasy chicken place” at noon, and por fin {finally} Russell appeared shortly thereafter. He was smiling that huge smile which completely dominates his small face, and toting his harmonica, como siempre {as always}. Another vet. {veterinarian} gave us a slide show on vesicular diseases in livestock in the afternoon, & we made plans to go to some slaughterhouses & end up at La Libertad today.

Later in the evening we 6 all had a meal at Canton {Chinese restaurant} and a few beers. Just easy talk among friends. Russell plans to marry October 1st, & return to school in the US. Fred has a serious girl back home, & frets some about the responsibility of it, but he never went whoring or anything before, so it’s no big change in his lifestyle. Diego & Fred plan to drive back to the States in a car they’ll buy, & take their time.

I think we-re already starting to dissolve as a group, preparing ourselves for October, when we’ll just pick out our paths & wave to each other.

Images, April, 1976

Ismael Peña, wife, daughter Pati & friends. San Salvador, {March} 1976.

Ismael Peña, family & friends {& me} near his San Salvador home. He's an agricultural extensionist.

Journal, March 31, 1976 PM

Busy day, I did a lot of little chores around El Maizal, including tattooing 17 rabbits. We’ll see how they turn out! They killed a rabbit for the students, & were going to chuck the liver & kidneys, so I had a feast at noon: Rice & vegetable soup, & fried red beans with my “bargain of the week”. Rabbits have big livers too!

Would you believe I sewed again tonight - some pants I need to wear in to San Salvador tomorrow. I’m looking forward to seeing all the guys tomorrow, especially Russell {Soules}. They say he’s getting married, but hasn’t decided when (or maybe she hasn’t told him yet!).

Something Jaime said to me is still stuck in my mind. I guess it offended me a little. He said (extremely matter-of-factly, as he does most things), "You’re smart, Dino, but you’re not a genius." Now that seems harmless enough, but actually I still hold some hope of doing something worthy of genius yet in my life. Although Einstein proved himself a genius at 24, Walt Whitman was over 30 at the first publication of "Leaves of Grass", and Carl Sandburg was past 65 when he began to show his "genius". Jaime will never do anything worthy of genius because he’s already resigned himself to the fact that it’s not possible for him, but he doesn’t have to make it his business to shoot down the rest of us dreamers!

Journal, March 31, 1976 AM

I picked up Jay’s mail and hit the road yesterday, reaching Sonsonate by 10:30 AM or so. Wonder of wonders, they loaned me the tattooing machine from the MAG {Ministerio de Agricultura y Ganaderia} office with no holdups! So I’ll give ‘er a try today.

I took it easy in the afternoon, sewing up my cutoffs, and trying to fit a spring I bought onto the gear-changer of my bike. <After supper I finally got at the letter to Sofia.>

I tried to tell her how much I respected her for coming right out and telling me she thought I was preoccupied and somewhat annoyed when I left Costa Rica - possibly because of something she’d done. I don’t think anyone has ever been so completely open with me ever, except Jan, and only on this last visit did we seem to break down the last barriers. <Sofia says her love for me is so pure she’s not afraid to tell me all her thoughts.> Now ain’t that a beautiful situation (siempre y cuando es verdad, no {as long as it’s the truth, right}?).

Then I explained to her that I was just generally run down when I left her, from doin’ stuff alternately with her & Jan. <Jan’s negative feedback about Sofia had me a little "pensativo {worried}", too, but I didn’t lay that on her.> I always filter what I tell other people, even if only a little bit!

Journal, March 30, 1976 AM

Well, Jaime and I are set to go to Costa Rica April 9. I got all my little errands done yesterday except picking up Jay’s mail. I’ll do that this morning, & then hit the rode for Sonsonate. I filled out my absentee ballot for the Wisconsin Primary {election}. I voted for Udall, although from Sunday’s {New York} Times, it sounds like he’s playing up to H.H.H. {Hubert Humphrey} more than I’d like to see. I think a Udall victory in Wisconsin would keep the campaign interesting by putting another name in the running, a liberal alternative to Carter. Jan says Udall has a chance, but the Times says Carter is "leading". It’s all kind of a circus anyway. Who knows what Carter or Udall would do as President?

Jaime tells me there’s a meeting on animal health with Doc. Eisenhower scheduled for Thursday & Friday. Chico’s {Francisco Rodriguez, Peace Corps Agriculture Program Director} out of the country, so there’s no way to find out if he officially sanctioned it or not. I think I’ll come in to see the guys. I haven’t seen Russell {Soules} in ages. We ran into Willie at Peace Corps Office, yesterday. He’s gotten married since last I saw him, and is working on a residency for his wife in the US. It seems his grandmother is near death, and he’s going back to help run his grandpa’s farm for a while. Under his callous exterior it seems Willie has a soft spot in his heart at least. He’s still crazy as ever of course. He said he got married for convenience, just papers he says.

Fred Tracy hit town yesterday afternoon, & we went to eat with him last night. He’s a truly hardworking and dedicated {Peace Corps} Volunteer, and never satisfied with how much he’s doing. We went to see Ron & Nancy Shiflet at their San Salvador house, but no luck, they weren’t home. Jaime & Fred are both pretty down on Ron. They say he hardly goes to work, has the subdirector of Ganaderia {Livestock Farming} pissed off at him, and never gets out to the campo {rural zone}. I’ve only seen him once or twice around the {Peace Corps} office, & he says he’s not doing much. He shouldn’t slack off in his support of the other guys like that though - they’re bitter.

<I haven’t written to Sofia yet - wrote 3 or 4 lines.> It’ll have to wait ‘til I get to Metalio.

Journal, March 29, 1976 AM

Yesterday was a scorcher, and just when I was ready to take it easy for the evening, along comes Jaime with 2 Salvadoran buddies from Anamoros, and a full bottle of Tic Tack {Salvadoran liquor similar to vodka}. I really hate being put in that situation. Nearly always, when you are with Salvadorans, and they are drinking, they obligate you not only to drink, but drink exactly as much as they do. And at the least they want to get drunk enough so they can just barely stagger home & fall into bed. I was lucky, they had all been drinking at a soccer game and were way ahead of me, so I was able to match them beer for beer, & drink a shot of Tic Tack too without really getting wasted. I got bloated on the beer though, and started yawning because I was exhausted, and this offended one of the guys, since they were ostensibly trying to show me a good time, and I wasn’t enjoying myself enough to satisfy him.

I took 2 aspirin before retiring, and don’t have a hangover as of yet. Sometimes they sneak up on you after you’ve been up a couple hours though!

I left Metalio after breakfast with Jay, who was bound for Sonsonate. I did some shopping in San Salvador, & then hit Peace Corps Office. I hit the jackpot on mail, as I expected after more than 3 weeks. <Sofia had 3 letters waiting for me, and there were also a letter from home (with the long-awaited Costa Rica photos), and one from Bob & Fran Redman.>

<Poor Sofia!> I was worn out when I left Costa Rica, from catering to her & Jan both for a week. Apparently it showed. She wrote in her first letter that she felt I was very distant from her at the time of my departure, that she had done something wrong, etc., and that was why I was acting like that. God, I didn’t mean to leave that impression, it was just the fast pace of doing something with Jan & then something with her. They both got more rest than I did! And being with Jan was especially taxing because we tried to do & see a lot, and I always had to do the asking & explaining, & the extra running around. <By her second letter Sofia had let that lie, but I’ll have to write her about it and try to explain.> She’s too perceptive for her own tranquility, like me, reading much into people’s actions or appearance.

In the afternoon I went to Ismael Peña’s home for a long delayed visit. He wants badly to study in the US and is trying everything he can think of. I have my doubts about him making it. You need either money to completely finance yourself, or an impressive academic record. He has neither. However, he has work experience in his field of interest, irrigation, and seems willing to sacrifice in order to study. I translated a letter for him, so he can send it to the Rockefeller Foundation to ask about their scholarships. It’s a long, long shot, but he really wants to keep trying.

<He gave me a US map in Spanish which I’ll take down to show Sofia & Pilar.> It has Wisconsin clearly marked, and you can even see the Castlerock & Petenwell flowages near home! It took me ‘til 5 or so to get away from Ismael. He’s like LeRoy Heitman, up home, loves to B.S.

Journal, March 27, 1976 PM

I spent the afternoon with needle in hand today, mending a few of my clothes. I’m slow at sewing anyway, & I haven’t fixed up my stuff in some time. I didn’t finish.

This damn pen is giving me trouble. The first one of this brand I bought worked fine. However, I bought that one in Costa Rica & this one here. God it’s hard to get a decent pen in this country.

Journal, March 26, 1976 PM

Today it was Jay’s turn to be angry at the El Maizal folks. Someone broke one of his special thermometers for taking soil temperatures, a $30 thermometer. Of course we will never know who broke it or how, since they are all like sly little children in such matters. I guess it is our fault. We North Americans just take a long time learning that you can’t trust anyone with anything, even to leave something that’s of no value to him, alone! And the general attitude among the most sympathetic of the people at El Maizal is, you should expect that kind of thing if you try to do something here. It’s very stifling to what little initiative I have left.

I went to Sonsonate this afternoon, to cash a check, and see about getting a tattooing machine from MAG {Ministerio de Agricultura y Ganaderia}. I’ll try MAG again Tuesday. Nobody with authority to loan the tattoo-er was present.

I got a new "matata" {woven bag made of hemp} in the market, the largest and best made one I’ve yet bought. I gave my last one to Jan, to carry stuff onto the plane in Belize.

<I miss Sofia keenly today.> I have the urge to write her, but will wait. I need feedback. Lately all the negative aspects of having a foreign girlfriend have been in my head. The courting and marriage process will be expensive & time consuming. And there are no easy short cuts unless I hit upon a get-rich-quick scheme. Love is a hassle.

Journal, March 26, 1976 AM

Yesterday was a downer; it had me wondering why, as I swore to myself. I went to El Maizal while Jay & Susan took it easy at the rancho {beach house}. I discovered that in my absence they had broken or stolen my milk bottles, stolen the plastic "guacal {bucket}" in which I had milked the goats, broken the only decent silage fork, practically stopped feeding silage to the goats, thus leaving the silage rotting in the silo, and hadn’t given salt or hay to a rabbit even once! Why, why do I try? At least if I were working with private farmers, they would be interested in improving their operation in the interest of economic gain. At El Maizal they don’t even seem to care about that!

I laid a few of my complaints on CREHDO’s lawyer (an intelligent dude), but he wasn’t listening, only getting off on practicing his English with me. So it goes.

Eating at Don Tin’s was about the only pleasant part of the day. He’s what Dad would call “a real swell fella”. He just can’t do enough to be helpful, & see that you get served quickly, etc. Plus, he’s always got some new thing on his mind to tell you about or ask about. He’s probably 70+ years old, but he’s always thinking, planning and figuring: how to improve his business; what they ought to do to improve Metalio; even what’s wrong with the Salvadoran government. His ideas are not B.S. either. They make sense.

I plan to milk the goats today, but what I get is mine. If I’m feeding them silage, providing and cleaning all utensils, and milking them, I’ll be damned if I’ll pay for the milk too!

Journal, March 24, 1976 PM

We are about to have more cantalope - dessert for an incredible evening meal we devoured tonight. We bought a rabbit from El Maizal and roasted it over an open fire. We also had a salad (enough to feed a small army) and fire-cooked potatoes. What an unreal feast - with beer & dope to top it all off, and now cantalope. None of us had ever skinned a rabbit & fried it before, but the maiden voyage was an unqualified success. Oh what you can do with a little initiative and some luck!

Jay & I spent the morning at El Maizal doing doodely-squat. At about 10 Blanca & 2 friends showed up at El Maizal. I thought it might be heavy, her coming while Susan, the goat lady, was around, but nothing happened. They met, talked, etc. Poor Blanca, she’s so crazy for Jay, but he’s a wanderer & a pleasure seeker - so it goes. So we all went to the beach in the afternoon. Low tide came conveniently at about 2 PM. Some days things just fall into place, & just living the day is sufficient. No left over energy to spend wondering about the why and how of it all!

Letter, March 24, 1976

Jan,

I got here!!

I got to Metalío about 3 PM today. I ran into Jay, “the goat lady”, and another {Peace Corps} Volunteer on the bus from Sonsonate. I spent 21 hours on the bus from Flores to Guatemala City, and never did get all the way there! I got off at Jutiapa, about 40 kilometers from the El Salvador border, and took local buses from there to El Salvador & Metalío. I came in at a different place than we left through, & I think it saved me time & money as it turned out.

I expect to get your card when I go into town Monday, so I won’t even ask how you made out. I hope you sent the card from Miami & not the Belize City jail for paupers!

It’s really much too soon for me to start trying to communicate through letters with you. I sure enjoyed the month or so we had together. I hope to see you this fall in Belize or Costa Rica.

Much love,

Dean

Journal, March 23, 1976 PM

I never did get to Guate {Guatemala City}! I got off the bus at Jutiapa, since it is 40 kilometers from El Salvador, and took another bus to the border at San Cristóbal. Once in El Salvador the bus service was more regular & reliable. You can cut El Salvador in a lotta ways, but it has buses going almost everywhere & lots of them (and often full to overflowing!). The blocking of the cross continental {Pan American} highway by the earthquake has really fucked up transportation between Guate {Guatemala City} and the northern part of the country.

The lighter side of that is that now Guatemala is in no position to assert it’s manifest destiny to annex Belize. It has enough problems trying to supply the north of its own country to say nothing of troops in Belize! Local jokes suggest Guatemala was punished by God for its evil designs on Belize, or that the British deliberately started the earthquake by setting off an explosion in a deep hole! As one Belizean told me, "The people thinking 'those white people very smart, so maybe do this thing'."

The goat lady is here with us in Metalio as is Mike Steppling (a PCV {Peace Corps Volunteer} from Sonsonate). Jay is having a good time with his latest woman, of course. She is already telling me what the goats need - she knows a lot about milking goats, obviously. She used to raise goats up in Washington.

Journal, March 23, 1976 AM

I’m still on the bus that was supposed to get me to Guatemala City at 3 AM. The driver & his helpers lost track of time & we spent 4½ hours in some bend in the road in eastern Guatemala. We left Flores at 11:30 AM yesterday & will be lucky to make the whole trip in 24 hours. I’ve been off this bus 3 times since the trip began.

Well, continuing the report on my two fellow North Americans, and their conversation night before last: They outlasted me & I don’t know if they ever said 'good night'.

We’re hittin’ the road again, hope we make Guate {Guatemala City} by noon!

Journal, March 21, 1976 PM

I’m in Flores again, on the trail home. I plan to take a little R. & R. and leave on the late bus tomorrow - some time between 9 & noon.

I am listening to two fellow Norte Americanos {North Americans} discuss very profoundly (if circularly) the problem of disappearing wildlife in the U.S. At this moment they are on the topic of the brutality of deer hunting, & the paranoia it engenders in male deer! Good God, if they’d keep their environmentalist bias pragmatic, people wouldn’t laugh at them, & they might have a chance against the NRA {National Rifle Association}. I agree we need to protect wildlife (and watersheds & natural vegetation) but management is the key word, not humane appeals to spare a game animal suffering.

And now on to world weather irregularities - a topic which interests me too! I like the theory that the weather between about 1910 & 1960 was unusually mild & constant in comparison with the earth’s long history, and that we are headed for more feast & famine variations in the future.

Now they’re finally saying good night (I hope it don’t take half an hour!), so I’ll follow suit.

Journal, March 21, 1976 AM (Sunday)

It’s 10 AM and I’m just getting around to writing. I’m on the bus headed for San Ignacio and then the border with Guatemala. The cement boat wasn’t due back for a week or 10 days, the manager said, so I couldn’t make it - no money to wait that long.

I said good-by to Jan this morning at 7. It’ll be August or else December before I see her. I hope she can make it down to Costa Rica (rather than Belize), but she sounds more tentative & doubtful now than she did when we were down there. I guess she’ll have to get back and see how she readjusts to her present situation before she decides if she really thinks it will be worth the hard work & selfsacrifice it will mean. It sure was pleasant having Jan around. I feel reassured about the sanity of my own life plans after conversing intimately with her for a month.

A forgotten travel note: We have seen many British soldiers in Belize - especially those off-duty in Belize City. The most interesting of them was at the Mayan ruins with Rudolf. As we neared the top of the highest ruin, here were 2 short-haired, baby-faced young men in civilian clothes, but cooking their food up in army type field mess equipment, and with an assorted collection of field glasses & telescopes laying around. Rudolf caught on immediately and said, “British checking on Guatemalan troop movements, hey?” It took me until I saw all the British in Belize City to assure myself he was right.

<I got to get a letter from Sofia soon.> It’s been much too long without contact. I start to think evil thoughts, like it really wouldn’t hurt her if I had sex with another woman. Really, objectively, that’s true, but she couldn’t take knowing about it, & I would feel very evil & advantage-taking keeping it from her.

Journal, March 19, 1976 PM

We’re in Belize City tonight and are about to retire after a real day of extravagance. We had 3 ice milk cones apiece today, and split a bag of popcorn in a movie we went to (and to beat all we walked out of the movie after halfway ‘cause it stunk). Yes sir, we lived high on the hog today. However, we ate no restaurant meals, relying entirely on cheese, bread & fruit. You can get Kraft cheese in Belize for 80 cents / lb. and we are enjoying it. Rudolf was right about the cheap ice milk too! I didn’t find out about getting a cement boat yet - none in port - but will try tomorrow. We have our budget worked out through Sunday, & tomorrow we plan a big breakfast here at Posada Tropicana, and sweet & sour shrimp at a Chinese restaurant!

Jan & I are sharing a bed tonight ‘cause it was so much cheaper.

<Man I got to get back to El Salvador & get some letters from Sofia, soon.> It won’t help much though. Love by mail just ain’t the same, no-how!

Journal, March 18, 1976 PM

We had a great time today, thanks partly to Rudolf, a German tourist who is staying here in the Central Hotel in San Ignacio, also. We met him this morning and went with him to see the Mayan ruins at X______ {Xunantunich}. They were interesting, but already too “restored”, and they were continuing to rebuild the main “temple” with rocks, sand & cement! Once completely “restored” one would imagine, tourists will flock in to marvel at its perfection!

It was a relaxing day & a peaceful one. Rudolf gave us advice about Belize City, & we gave him info. about Flores & Guatemala in general. We also rapped about Germany & the U.S. and world affairs, and Americans affinity for McDonalds. Jan & I each had 3 beers today - a treat we haven’t allowed ourselves since leaving El Salvador. We have to make a 5 AM bus, so it’s time to hit the hay.

Journal, March 18, 1976 AM

We’re in San Ignacio, in Cayo District of Belize. We have heard nothing but negative stuff about Belize since we’ve been here! A Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) told us Belizeans (especially in the capital) are distrustful of gringos {North Americans} & she and another guy both said Belize City was a real dump - not to go there to spend much time. Well, we’re going today anyway!

In this town the people speak some Spanish and some Creole (a form of bastardized English which is almost impossible for us to follow). Most everyone can speak English as well, so we have no problem being understood, etc. We are far from the coast, yet there are many Caribbean Blacks even in San Ignacio, & they were playing some “Caribbean beat” music over at the local soccer field when we went over to watch them practicing last evening.

The people here aren’t farmers. The PCV said they import almost everything but bananas, oranges, and rice & beans. Thus food is expensive, & there are no cheap El Salvador style "comedors {small restaurants}", at least not here. The people don’t keep animals around the house (chickens, pigs, a cow) as in El Salvador & Guatemala, even though there is grass & surely food garbage to feed them. They aren’t farmers! The PCV says there are about 60,000 Belizean "creoles {natives}" in the States - mostly illegally - and this is part of the reason for their standoffishness toward gringos. The U.S. has been cracking down on illegal aliens lately.

We left Flores at 10 yesterday, after a morning swim. What clear warm (super clean) water, & full of little fish that would come up & tickle your legs if you sat still long enough! The bus ride was dusty, but not bad, & we managed to bluff the Guatemala border people into not charging us extra, even though we went through before 2 PM, when they "officially" reopen the border. We had a scare on the Belize side when they asked how much money we were carrying. Then Jan showed them her airline ticket, and they must have assumed it was for both of us, ‘cause they passed us right through!

We hope to see some Mayan ruins & maybe take a swim before we leave here today, con suerte {with luck}.

Journal, March 16, 1976 PM

We are in a 1.50 Quetzal / person place with toilets you have to sit sidewise on, in Flores, Guatemala. We had another day of ups & downs, and plan to head for Melchor de Mencos & the Belize border tomorrow. We are bypassing Tikal after having our fill of being around tourist types and their counterparts, the petty con artists, ever since we entered the country. It’s a shame to miss it, but with time & money short, we could only make a quick run around things, & it would have been grueling with all the bus travel.

After eating like flies for the last 3 days in Guatemala City, we ate an enormous meal tonight (fixed home-style by a wrinkled Mayan woman downstairs), and I have a stomach ache. I feel like after Thanksgiving dinner at home - like a balloon ready to burst.

We survived the Ides of March, though there was a tremor at 4:10 that morning and one at 4:30 this morning. The occurrence of these tremors in the wee hours of the morning, plus the fact that the February 4th earthquake here also took place in the "madrugada {wee hours of the morning}" (at 3 AM), led me to speculate that perhaps tremors are most likely to occur when the earth’s surface is coolest & thus contracted relative to the constant T {temperature} layer below it. This would cause an increased stress, which might lead to sliding of "plates" of the earth’s surface. I wonder at what times of day other big quakes have occurred.

Journal, March 15, 1976 PM (the Ides of March and a full moon too!)

On this fateful night the reader will find our heroes (Jan & Dean) still in Guatemala City. We got fucked over by the guy who sold us our plane tickets. He neglected to tell us that the plane we wanted left from the “old” airport and not from the “new” one in which we bought the tickets. So we waited 1½ hours at the wrong place, just to be told 10 minutes before our plane was to take off that: 1) there was another airport, 2) our plane left from there, and 3) we’d better catch a taxi & hurry if we wanted to make it! I was so mad I almost lost control. Maybe it would have been more fruitful for us if I had.

We are leaving on tomorrow’s plane, even though there was another plane to Flores at 11, since no one at the airport thought to tell us that! We found out at the AVIATECA downtown office, at 10:15. We sent a letter to the management letting them know of our displeasure, but we have no other recourse against them, how frustrating! We had to take a taxi to get to the airport so early, which cut deep into our day’s budget of $10. Well, it is the Ides of March!

We recouped some later though with a great buy on grapefruits (6 huge ones for 25 cents), and a fantastic omlet at a vegetarian place we tried for supper. By day’s end we agreed that living poor for a while really helps us appreciate the really good foods and the free things around us, which we usually ignore in our consuming frenzy.

We saw the full moon rise "gratis {for free}", and were treated to a real show by some umpteen thousand swallows diving for insects & chirping away.

We sent out some postcards, too. <My two went to Sofia and the folks. I was thinking as we strolled back to the hotel tonight, all I need to complete my peace of mind right now is the easy loving Sofia gives me.> Just touching & hugging - caring, inner-warmth. Aaaaaaahhh!

Journal, March 14, 1976 PM

Well, at least I haven’t eaten any chocolate during lent yet!

We went up to Chichicastenango today, and saw some real earthquake damage. The provincial capital of Chimeltenango was nothing but ruins - incredibly wrecked, just heaps of adobe bricks everywhere. The few good wooden or cement buildings around held up fairly well, but almost the whole town was adobe dwellings. I used to admire adobe construction for its simplicity, cheapness, & the way adobe houses stay cool inside even in blistering heat. I still admire these characteristics. But in an earthquake those adobe walls & that tile roof constitute a deathtrap! Give me a wooden shack with an asbestos roof, if I ever settle in Guatemala. And the tremors continue, though I’ve yet to feel one since we arrived.

We also saw refugee camps & the road crew Mexico sent down to help out. Jan bought some cloth & a shirt in Chichicastenango. We’re having trouble keeping to our budget. Jan never learned to live within her means, whatever it was, & our means is doodley-squat!

Jan’s eating almost as much as I am, & tires out much faster than I do. It’s the vicious cycle of being overweight. You don’t exercise more because you tire rapidly, & you tire rapidly because you’re overweight, & don’t get enough exercise. It’s really a shame she hasn’t found the selfdiscipline to break the cycle yet. As she says, I’m going to lose weight on this trip because she’s on a diet!

Journal, March 13, 1976 PM

We are in the Belmont {hotel} in Guatemala City tonight ($1.80 / person). I saw something near the bus station when we arrived that brought on one of those: "There but for the grace of God go I." moments. I saw the hotel where I stayed last time I was here & half of it had fallen about a floor (in the earthquake, presumably). The center rooms (where I stayed) were worst mangled of all, of course! I had Jan take a picture of it.

We bought plane tickets to Flores (A town near Tikal which has some ruins of its own & a lake!) for Monday. Tomorrow we are going to the market day in Chichicastenango, famous for display of Indian handicrafts - especially woven stuff. The plane was cheaper than we figured, so maybe we’ll be able to buy some stuff tomorrow! We’re on a tight budget.

We saw some of the earthquake damage today. The physical damage isn’t as bad as I had expected, but it’s easy to see how 27,000 died. Poor sections of town, like the area near the bus station where most of the buildings are either old or of poor construction, were hit hard. Well constructed buildings generally held up, though some, like the National Palace have cracks all the way up the sides of them. Some brand new buildings, which weren’t built well enough, were considerably damaged as well. As seems generally to be the case, the hardest hit by the quake were those least able to stand the loss. Numbers of refugees are still camping in parks and public squares throughout the downtown area. The whole city seems grimy & kind of dreary. What a contrast from how I found it on {Central American} Independence Day (September 15th) last year!

Journal, March 12, 1976 PM

Today we went to El Maizal in the hope of finding some newborn rabbits - no such luck. So we split early and spent a long afternoon at the rancho {beach house}. I spent a good deal of time just laying in the hammock thinking. I speculated on the outline of a treatise on religion, centered on the idea that man created God in his image, to serve his needs. <I also decided to look into getting a job on a ship for 6 months to make some money - how much a little money might simplify things between Sofia & me!>

I worked 8 physics problems, & then Jan & I went to the beach to wait for the sunset. It’s her last day in Metalío, probably forever. <I read over a paragraph of philosophy Sofia gave me as we walked.> All about how to live your life in peace and serenity. The man who can follow that advice will be a saint (not the author, but any man who really follows it all)! It’s very deep & there is much truth in it. I must remember to thank her for giving it to me. Like some of her letters I’ve reread, I found much more in it on the second reading. She thinks deeply about life, more deeply than I sometimes give her credit for doing. I always seem to end up loving her as a person, and wanting her companionship more after the second reading. A longing for the time we won’t have to write letters & be lonely is what I feel this minute. I’ve been sitting here groping for the exact verbalization of my state and the old term "longing" comes goll-darned close.

Journal, March 11, 1976 PM

And as he wrote he could hear the compelling music of the Metalío Fiestas Patronales in the background ...

Today I read a chapter of physics & worked a couple problems. <I wrote a letter to Sofia, to send before we leave for Guatemala.> I did not go to El Maizal. We (i.e. Jan & I) went to Acajutla by bicycle. We saw boats & modern port facilities & whore houses & palm-leaf shacks & muskmelons. We ate one muskmelon. We tried to get a couple pictures embodying the incredible contrasts you see in Acajutla. We went to bed.

Journal, March 11, 1976 AM

We tattooed more rabbits yesterday, and spent the afternoon lounging around Kikilita & on the beach. Tough life! Jan is sick of spending even the mornings at El Maizal already, so we plan to take the bikes & go to Acajutla today. She’d never make it in Peace Corps - no patience.

I got all my mail answered last night - cranked out 4 letters. So now I’m left with no excuse not to do some physics tonight. It’s high time I got back at it. Discipline, discipline!

<I mailed letter #2 to Sofia yesterday morning, and will write another tonight if I can.> Just so she stays satisfied and doesn’t forget me between trips. I’ve already let her get much too close, it would hurt to let go. It’s a pain in the butt just to be thinking about her and not be able to be with her ... So, that’s life.

Journal, March 10, 1976 AM

Jay & Jan slept on the beach last night - hope the waves didn’t wash them out! I stuck to my hammock, have slept in it every night at the rancho {beach house} since Jan arrived. Sleeping in a small hammock leaves me aching all over, but this big cloth one is very nice.

<I wrote to Sofia last night & plan to mail it today.> I’m trying to write her real often (every 2 or 3 days) so she doesn’t get insecure about me forgetting her like she did between visits before. She seems to need lots of positive reinforcement, and I’ll do what I can to provide it.

Jan & Jay just got back, feeling chipper, and won’t let me concentrate on this.

Journal, March 8, 1976 PM

We’re back at Kikilita, and Jay’s just arrived. He’s telling Jan all about a gory movie dramatizing the true story of some plane-crash victims in the Andes, who survived by eating their dead compatriots.

It took most of the morning to get back here - a lively turtle could beat these buses! We went to El Maizal in the afternoon, and Profy {Gomez} was there. He was all charm & wit for Jan & I - didn’t say a word about his quitting & neither did I. He’s busy orienting his replacement. We checked out the rabbit situation. Antonio & his brother did pretty well keeping the records up in my absense - only one card got lost!

Jan doesn’t see how I can take it day after day at El Maizal with so little to do and such incompetent people to work with. I’ve become “acculturated” I explained. <Not satisfied with that she kept prodding and I had to admit that if I weren’t involved with Sofia I would be gone by now most likely.> Really, I don’t know if that’s accurate. Sometimes I think I’m just obeying the laws of motion like any other hunk of matter - a body at rest ... And now back to “Slaughter House Five” the third in my big 3 by Kurt Vonnegut.

Journal, March 8, 1976 AM

Jan & I are in Santa Tecla. Ed Schiffer came out to Metalio with a guy who had a rented car - showing him a little of the country. We took the opportunity to see La Libertad - me for the second time, & here we are.

<I wrote a letter off to Sofia while near the capital - they get there faster and more reliably.> I attempted to explain to her my determination to study physics & my just plain need to know - to be learning. I hope a little got through, but it came hard. It would have in Spanish or English.

So back we go to Metalio, after a grapefruit!

Journal, March 7, 1976 AM

As the world turns, things keep on changing. Day before yesterday Jay told me he thought Profy Gomez had quit as head of El Maizal. Yesterday at 1 PM the new boss came out with {Professor} Flores & the "motorista {driver}" to discuss our roles (Jay’s and mine) in El Maizal - under new management. Now I’m officially (instead of unofficially) going to be working with rabbits, goats & other livestock. So it goes!

If you have read any Kurt Vonnegut you’ll know where I borrowed that last expression from. I’m on "Slaughter House Five" now after reading "Breakfast of Champions" in Costa Rica and "Mother Night" yesterday. "Breakfast of Champions" was good and "Mother Night" was really excellent.

We are what we pretend to be! He gives the reader a message not unlike that of Solzhenitsyn - we have to cultivate & develop our souls to be decent human beings, not hide them behind masks for convenience - because the masks are part of us too!

Evil is man’s desire to hate intensely & with God on his side! I think there are other evils, systematically perpetrated by corporations or bureaucracy with no feeling attached other than expediency or interest in profit making. However, man’s need to have a scapegoat - someone to blame & hate when things seem all fucked up - is certainly the root of great evils as well (as Vonnegut lucidly demonstrates in "Mother Night"). Nationalism running wild, super patriotism is certainly one of mankind’s most fearsome obstacles to peace and survival.

I also watched the Sun go down yesterday with Jan. She & I think so much alike on politics, on where the world’s headed, on controlling technology, that it’s mind boggling sometimes. Like we were twin software hookups for the same brain. But we have our divergences.

<Sofia is the main one right now.> Jan still thinks I’m making a mistake, though she only cautions me to take it slow & be sure. <She strongly dislikes the very loving, special treatment Sofia gives me, & corresponding special attention I give her.> I think she finds it artificial - is convinced it must be. On my part it’s not. <I feel Sofia is accepting me freely and uncritically as her lover, her man, and I respond in kind.> I’m willing to take her for her lovingness, her "cariño {affection}", whether she educates herself & gets a career going, or just concentrates on home & family. As Vonnegut wrote ("Mother Night" again): We all have need of uncritical love ... make love when you can, it’s good for you!

<Jan suggested yesterday that maybe she’s even a little jealous of all the attention Sofia gets from me.> The same thought had crossed my mind. Jan & I are more than siblings, we’re friends, and she demands attention from me, & I from her. She especially needs some brotherly love right now ‘cause she’s bummed out "de nuevo {again}" with men, is caught in a dilemma about her work, and is troubled by the image of her child in an inadequate (or totally fucked!) home. God, I love Jan. She would be a saint if she could give up men, but she loves them too much to, & the children. And she’s nobody’s fool!

Journal, March 6, 1976 AM (Saturday)

We made it back to Metalio yesterday, & after a good night’s sleep in my hammock I felt so good I did limbering up exercises this morning.

We got Jan a Guatemalan visa yesterday, and the guy told us you can get from Tikal to Belize by local buses, so it all looks pretty encouraging. We figure to leave Saturday or Sunday (14th or 15th) after a restful week here. Jan didn’t get a Gamma Globulin shot because they gave us the runaround, and we didn’t want to wait around all afternoon in town.

Sister Mary wrote me a long letter warning me about all the pitfalls of marrying a foreigner, but saying she’ll support me if I do. A very older sister letter - don’t think she realizes I’m 24 and will do what I want regardless. I’m still little Buster to her! But she’s concerned about me.

Walking over here from Don Tin’s last night, Jan started talking about having kids (She said Joan Baez’s book made her want to have kids again.), and she came around to speculating about her child. He’s 8½ years old now - that fact staggered me! She still feels giving him up for adoption was her best choice, but wants to find out where he’s at and what kind of family he ended up in. She talked of going to a legal aid service to see if she could trace him. I asked her what she’d do if she found him, & she didn’t know, but I had to agree I’d want to find him if he were mine - just to know.

Journal, March 5, 1976 AM

We arrived in San Salvador at 7:30 last night, our nerves utterly shot from being pushed & shoved by people, & relentlessly hounded by hawkers all day. Somebody dropped stuff on Jan’s head hustling to get off the bus. Why they hustle to wait a half hour or so afterwards I’ll never know! And that put her over the edge. When the baggage boys started mimicking Jan’s English I got a little out of control also. They had gotten grease all over her backpack as well. Later we both agreed we could understand how people just get so disgusted with the way people treat them that they go wild & kill & maim!

Jan’s so into family member’s lives I don’t hardly believe it. She says Merna thought I was crazy when I supported George McGovern, and the fact really troubles her. She hit on Marcia’s jealousy that Jan has gotten “special treatment”, and that upsets her greatly. At the same time she feels Marcia & Merna are both unhappy, & in a sense, wasting their human potential in their present life situations. She can’t understand why Joyce dumped her Madison friends when she quit her job & moved to Milwaukee. <She’s worried I’d be making a mistake marrying Sofia, etc.> She just lets the whole thing bother her too much. We’re all adult, free-willed creatures, and will go on living (& perhaps fucking up) our lives no matter how much she worries. But she’s so good & concerned. God ought to love her if he’s just & good!

Jan expressed the same thing I’ve noticed in the 2 weeks of our stay. Intellectually, we’ve grown along nearly parallel lines since we last saw each other almost 2 years ago. She attributes it to common upbringing!

Journal, March 3, 1976 PM

Managua again, some places never change - but we did get a different room this time!

<I said goodbye to Sofia this morning. She and her younger sister came into San Jose with us to see us onto the bus.> She gave me a little red carnation and a cooked chicken (with Tortiricas {a local brand of tortillas}, eggs, carrots, potatoes - muy rico {very tasty}!) for the trip. So we were off & a little while after we passed the airport & headed into the mountains.

(Jan just came back from taking a shower & announced it was Ash Wednesday. She’s giving up bread & chocolate, I’ll try chocolate and [but I didn’t tell her] beating off.)

<Jan started up talking about Sofia - her doubts about her, etc. She said Sofia was spoiled, & she catered to me too much, & implied she was too immature to be a fulfilling companion for me.> {some text not transcribed} <We ended up getting pretty huffy with each other because I insisted Sofia would grow (intellectually) and Jan is more doubtful.> Jan really strongly resents how the women treat their men so lovingly here, while many men are fickle egoists with chics on the side.

I think the men are foolish too. They don’t seem to appreciate what they have. One strong-loving woman who’s willing to limit herself to me is all I need. Jan’s right about it being preferable to have an intelligent mate, with interests similar to yours, & who can grow with you. We basically differ in how much energy we’re willing to devote to the search, & how long we’re willing to wait (or how far bend the standards) to find what we want. <I see potential in Sofia, she’s rejected several good looking but egoist Ticos {Costaricans}, & chosen a Gringo {North American} (against her father’s pronounced will) for her first novio {boyfriend}.> She wants to study and have a career. Jan is sensitized to women being servile, but that’s deeply embedded in the culture here, & as long as I don’t overexploit it, I see nothing wrong with the affectionate way she treats me. But I’m waiting to see how she gets into university life, & want her to visit Wisconsin before we take any plunges.

Journal, March 3, 1976 AM

Today we hit the road again on Tica Bus. <I have to shelve my life with Sofia again ‘til April.> Enough said.

Jan & I went to Escasu and to Cartago yesterday. We never found that new gringo {North American} school, but got to see more of San Jose & its suburbs. Jan seemed satisfied. The Basilica church in Cartago was impressive - beautiful wood ceilings & stained glass windows, plus cabinets overflowing with offerings to patron saints.

<We bought flowers for Doña Carmen & for Sofia in front of the National Theater.>

Rita {Klukazewski} was over for supper. She is thoroughly bummed out with Peace Corps’ lack of support & bureaucratic hassles. But she’s still funny, & has found a good family in San Jose. She and Jan hit it off well, & she’s going to write Jan about job possibilities in Golfito where she’ll be stationed. <I took Sofia the flowers at six, & then we walked to Pilar’s.> {some text not transcribed} Sounds like something Dad might have done back when Merna & Mary were in highschool, & started dating. I still have a picture in the mind of when he chased Merna around the house after she defied him on something. <He’s adjusted now (just rants & raves to third parties), but Jan says my letter home about Sofia triggered a geyser of emotional outburst!> It’s rough on parents, they raise their kids to do what they think is right, & then the kids go off and exercise their free wills, shamelessly!

<We made popcorn at Doña Carmen’s with Pilar & Sofia.> {some text not transcribed}

<I pushed the idea of a pre-marriage visit in December to her {Sofia} again last night.> Given her doubts & fears, I think it’s the best course. Once married, separation would be far too painful for us both, and I want her so {much} to know & appreciate the lifestyle I was raised in. I love that old farm!

Journal, March 2, 1976 AM

Jan & I buzzed around like little bees, and got a fair amount done yesterday. We went to Basico {the Peace Corps training center}, & ran into Ed Stoll. He gave us some idea of which schools Jan should try to get in contact with. We looked around the center (almost shut down now, with only 6 trainees), and got a couple grapefruit. We tried calling schools from the San Antonio pay phone, but no luck, so we stopped by Pilar’s on the way home for lunch. She was in good spirits, says it’ll be April soon, & Jaime will be back. They’re such nice folks, her & her family.

Jan took a school photo of Doña Carmen & the kids for first day of school. Mauren was so cute in her little shorts & blouse uniform, sitting in the hammock!

We went looking for the Costa Rica Academy in the afternoon, and were lucky enough to find it with only minor difficulties. We hit a stroke of luck there ‘cause the director is the former Peace Corps director for Costa Rica & a U.W. {University of Wisconsin} graduate. He gave us instructions how to find other schools, & told Jan the best way to be hired was to be here, job hunting, and keep beating on doors. They have a U.S. type preschool program at Costa Rica Academy (the only one in the country), and Jan was a little excited about the possibility of working there. She may go back home, work 2 jobs, and get some money together to come down in August, & beat the pavement!

We also hit the Salvadoran Consulate (no visa needed), and the Tourist Institute. At the latter we got maps of Costa Rica & San Jose (at last!) and a copy of the Tico Times. The Costa Rican English language newspaper impressed us with an article and editorial which minced no words in telling Henry Kissinger (a recent visitor to this country) that he wasn’t doing his homework on Latin America, or giving this region the attention it deserves.

{some text not transcribed}

Journal, March 1, 1976 AM

Yesterday wore me plumb out, between the long train ride & the hot sun in Puntarenas. <Of course I had a great time since I was with Sofia all day.> I swear I could have a good time almost anywhere if she was there. The train was ungodly crowded both going & coming, and the beach was packed - long lines to change & shower. Jan got sick of it very fast, but I’ve had more time to get used to it, & I don’t let it upset me anymore, although I prefer going to less crowded places. Jan had a good time floating on the calm water though.

{some text not transcribed}

Images, March, 1976

Jan sitting by a statue of a Mayan warrior in front of the zoo, Guatemala City, Guatemala.

A picture of the town of Flores, taken from a boat. Flores is situated on an island in the middle of a shallow crystaline lake.

Peasant houses and cayucos (dugout canoes) in Flores, Guatemala.

Jan and a peasant woman & her son in a cayuco {dugout canoe}. The woman gave us a ride from the village in the background back to Flores.

A Mayan temple which Jan & I went to visit in Belize. Workers were "restoring" it for the sake of future tourists. There were 2 British soldiers on top of it with telescopes to keep an eye out for possible Guatemalan troop movements.

Mayan ruins near San Ignacio, Belize. View from atop the main temple.

View of surrounding area from the top of the Mayan temple near San Ignacio.

Looking out over the border towns at the Belize - Guatemala {border} line {, San Ignacio, Belize}.

Along the waterfront in Belize City, the principal city of Belize.

A view of the city from a nearby island that Jan & I walked to on a causeway. Belize City is built on the ocean & a river mouth, is very low & hot, and has open sewers that drain into the ocean.

Journal, February 29, 1976 AM

We are already on the train bound for Puntarenas at 6:45 AM. <Sofia’s sitting in the doorway, & I’m standing ‘cause the train is full up.> I’ll keep this short. We went to the electric plant yesterday, & Juan Diego hounded Jan (& me) mercilessly. He’s at an impossible age, 15. {some text not transcribed}

Journal, February 28, 1976 AM

Jan & I went to San Jose to get our tickets confirmed & check into the possibility of her working here. We got the #3 & #4 seats for the bus up to Managua - ideal for sightseeing. We also got mailing addresses & phone numbers of some English-speaking schools, but we don’t know where they are, & didn’t succeed in calling any. We ran into Gary & Lisa, two folks from the bus trip down, & went to see the National Theater with them. It’s very impressive, has a couple of ceiling murals I especially liked, & of course lots of gold leaf, velvet curtains, etc. The floor in the main auditorium raises & lowers under human power (turning a gear connected to huge screws). They raise & lower the main body of the audience instead of the stage. We went to the market too, & ended up buying sandals. They are nice, but we probably paid too much, as always. I know what Joyce means when she says you can’t save money when Jan’s around. We don’t spend foolishly, but there are so many ideas she comes up with to spend money. But it’s fun!

{some text not transcribed}

Journal, February 27, 1976 AM

The nights are very cold here, for Central America. The wind really whines all night & you shiver if you don’t have enough covers over you.

It seems like this end of Central America is gearing up for an earthquake or volcanic eruption too. They had a strong tremor in the morning the day we arrived (25th) and the two major volcanoes, Poas & Irazu, have been unusually active lately. <Sofia says we should stay away from them.> Jan said yesterday she’s glad we won’t be here too long. She wants to get out before the big quake hits!

We went to Ojo de Aqua {water park} yesterday, & Jan fell in love with the place - fresh unchlorinated water, tennis, basketball, boating. Great place to relax. <Sofia couldn’t swim because of a badly scraped knee, but Jan & I did, and so did Jaime, Pilar & Sofia’s older sister.> We had a "picnic" lunch of rice mixed with chicken, beans (creamed) and tortillas. Rice & chicken with a few of the right vegetables & spices mixed in makes a tasty dish! I guess we gringos {North Americans} would call it a casserole.

<Sofia is so easy to love.> Even Jan, who is cynical about love and dislikes the way Costa Rican women "try so hard to please men", says she’s friendly, outgoing & loves children. I’m sensitive to Jan’s accusation that guys like Jaime & I are just overwhelmed by all the flattering in this culture which is so male dominated. <Maybe, I love the special attention Sofia gives me, but try to be attentive to her needs & desires also, and coach her on the need for human beings to be independent, not dominated.> She seems ready to wait the almost 2 years we agree is realistic (given economics more than anything, our educational aspirations & my foolishness). God, that time when I’m in the U.S. studying will be tough. Perhaps phone calls will help! Oh for a $10,000 inheritance! But no chance of that for me. <I gave Sofia the earrings last night, & she loved them like she does everything.> {some text not transcribed}

Journal, February 26, 1976 AM

Maybe it is all a little foolish. <Sofia hit me with some doubts & reservations last night, which on top of all my worries, has my mind buzzing.> But the magic of her look & touch is still there - I want her bad! She’s starting to realize what it means to pull up all her roots, and move a few thousand miles north, where she doesn’t speak the language, isn’t familiar with the education system, etc., and it’s got her scared. I have to keep stressing the positive. I know we can work part-time & study (the both of us), and make it one way or another. Before when she was all enthusiasm, I wanted to remind her of realities, but now it seems the roles have come full circle, & I have to be the confidence builder.

Jan & I had a heavy, heavy discussion of sex, our own life situations, & those of other members of the family. The ability to communicate that Jan & I have had always, hasn’t changed, in fact I feel closer to her right now than ever before. She has kept right on growing intellectually in my absence, and continually impresses me with her insights. She says she would work a year or so in Costa Rica if she could find a job in daycare or primary school that she likes. We’ll look around for sure! I think it would be great for her, & has advantages for me!

Jaime was glad to see us of course, & even gladder to see the can of Pabst Jan brought! We’ll share it today.

We’re at Doña Carmen’s & the radio is on early as usual. I wonder how Jan’ll like that - precious little I suspect! That’s it, off the recording and back to living!

Journal, February 24, 1976 PM

We’re here in Managua, made good time. I started this journal right here in this vey hospedaje {small hotel} room (perhaps even sitting on the same cot). The cot I’ll sleep on tonight has a foam pad - this place just keeps improving!

We got up late this morning & had to run for the bus, but since then it’s been smooth going. The borders were pretty fast, & we got here by 7 PM. Everyone thinks Jan & I are married or lovers traveling together, at least the natives who call her señora {Mrs.} invariably. We had a sweet, sweet muskmelon for breakfast, with coffee, & bought 2 small ones for tomorrow. I was the first one in line for reservations for tomorrow, but the first bus doesn’t leave ‘til 8 AM, & we got seats in the middle - shit.

A drunk just finished singing outside my room wall. We hear the cars clearly too, so it could be a rough night. Jan got bit up by sand fleas last night, & is leery about her bed here too, as the bedclothes are only semi-clean. She doesn’t have Peace Corps healthcare, so I guess it’s logical she should worry more.

<What’s it going to be like seeing Sofia?> I got a letter from the family Castillo Murillo saying she had been around their house quite a bit lately. I was reflecting this morning on the bus what a pleasure it will be to have someone to put my arms around & hug freely - touch affectionately without feeling out of place & unnatural. I can’t hug Jan yet, though now it is clearer than ever that I’m closer to her than to anyone else in the family. We just never learned to show our feelings, that’s all.

I mentioned my idea of writing articles for papers or magazines, or short stories - as a moneymaking scheme - to Jan at the Nicaragua border today. She immediately pinpointed the major drawback (like she’d run the same mental path only farther than I) - the risk of rejection and more rejection from publishers & public. She says her ego is too fragile to handle all that rejection. I’d find it tough too & really the chances of scoring quick money that way are slim and none. <Sofia’s got me trying to get money ahead.> This next week maybe I’ll become sure enough of her to reassure myself it’s not all a little foolish.

Journal, February 23, 1976 PM

I think I’ll have to say goodbye to the old red ink pen tonight. I bought it on my now famous Christmas pilgrimage to Costa Rica, and it’s about run its course.

Jan & I will leave for Costa Rica at 6:00 AM, and just returned from Steve Pamperin’s house, where we ran into 2 sets of his cousins (one couple headed north, one south) - fascinating folks. We had 2½ beers each, & I’m feeling it a little! I hardly drink any more.

It’s been a run, run, run day, getting all my errands out of the way before leaving. Jan changed her ticket to leave from Belize instead of San Salvador, but couldn’t get the money (has to collect in Madison). I think we can do it on the money I’ve got, one way or another! It’s probably the only way I’ll get up to Tikal. I’ll be broke afterwards, but what-ta-heck.

<I bought Sofia some earrings today - very delicate, like she is.> Hope she likes them.

Damn pen won’t quit, guess I’ll have to carry it down to Managua, & finish ‘er off there, mañana {tomorrow}!

Journal, February 22, 1976 PM

It looks like last night’s stuff is at least semi-legible - remarkable given the weak firelight. I never slept much last night, dozing off for spells, but mostly just watching the flames lick up wood & listening to night sounds. <I got a clear fix on my memories of Sofia, & what happened over Christmas.> I concluded that I just have to keep coming at it openly and let it develop.

We never found Laguna Verde {translates to Green Lake}. We walked all the way down to Ahuachapan, but saw some good scenery & the steam energy (geothermal) plant at Atozol on the way.

I was given to know more about Floyd "Pedro" Miller in two ways today. First, I ran into a San Isidro acquaintance unexpectedly on the bus to Metalio. He said "Pedro" was a Mennonite missionary & not Peace Corps, and his folks apparently never tried to take his body home. Second, while Jay & I (dog tired from little sleep & lots of walking) were out chest deep in the ocean trying to catch waves, the current shifted somehow, & we had to swim for all we were worth to get back to where we could stand up. There was no way either of us could have helped the other. We each had to fight the current for all we were worth to get in. If "Pedro" was alone, and not a strong swimmer, it could have happened almost that easily! Jay & I came fairly close to learning the hard way.

I was looking at myself in the mirror (narcissistic being that I am) tonight, & I really think I am in the best general health of my life. I’m down to 162 pounds for the first time since wrestling season my last year of highschool, and I think my shoulders are broader, & my arms more heavily muscled now. My face is lean & free of puffiness (which it sometimes showed in college). Ah, yes: at the age Ike Newton proposed his law of gravity; the age Al Einstein proposed relativity; the age (they tell me) Napoleon began his conquests, I’m 24 and thinking of starting all over in a new field, while wasting my prime in the Peace Corps tending goats & rabbits (and falling for foreign women)! But I could have been a melancholy people (& statistics) manipulator, so ____ .

Journal, February 21, 1976 PM

Well, we tried to follow Conrad’s instructions real precisely, but never could find Laguna Verde. We ended up here in the hills between Apaneca & Ahuachapan, essentially lost. But we haven’t seen a person (besides Jay, Jan & me) since 4:30 PM. I’m writing by firelight (laboriously), Jay & Jan having retired.

We roasted marshmallows & had peanut butter sandwiches. Water is short because we didn’t find the lake (to use my filter), and only Jan brought water.

Jan & Jay have hit it off quite well, talking about drugs they’ve used, people, and money making schemes. We are a generation of drug dabblers. I wonder where I missed the boat? Jay says Jan ought to go up to Yucatan, and fly home from there. Thus she saves money on airfare, and uses it to see more & stay longer. I think it’s a great idea - probably the only way I’ll ever get up to Tikal.

It was a full day of introducing Jan to El Maizal people, and then coming up here. <Before deciding to write by the fire, I lay on my blanket studying the stars, & trying to get a fix on Sofia.> I’m concerned about how she & Jan will react to each other. And how I’ll react seeing her the second time. But I hope for & fully expect a warm reunion. Lord do I need the boost a little lovin’ can give.

Journal, February 20, 1976 PM

Well, after a hectic day we are here in Metalio at the {beach} house about ready to settle down for a long winter’s nap. It’s hard to really grasp that Jan was up in those -20 degrees Fahrenheit temperatures a week ago, & here she is meeting Don Tin and Elena and Jay. She’s lying on my bed (tijera) reading "Watership Down" just as she probably did yesterday in Miami, and a week ago in Wisconsin - what’s a few thousand miles anyway. The heat really gets to her though. This trip is going to be the best diet she ever had!

I bought a hammock (4 varas {yards} long & cloth!) to sleep in, so she can have the cot. I got almost all my errands run in the capital. <I only lack the earrings I wanted for Sofia.> Hopefully we’ll take care of that Monday. We’re all set to go to Costa Rica on Tuesday. We got Jan’s ticket and visas for her so ...

We plan to take Conrad’s trip to the mountains tomorrow. Jan brought a real nice backpack, & is up for it, so we’ll give it a try. We’re going to El Maizal first. Jay says all havoc has broken loose in my absence.

Well, I think I’ll give Dante a short run, & go to bed.

Journal, February 20, 1976 AM

Boy, I feel like I’ve been dragged by the heels over gravel this morning. I had two beers with Jan last evening & had to get up in the middle of the night to urinate them away. I never did quite get back to sleep, and the people on the other side of the room divider have been up making noise since before six. Then there’s the cars, trucks and buses right outside our window. Last night Jan asked me if they didn’t believe in mufflers here!

Jan’s up now, so we’ll get going early today. Last night we talked solid from the airport ‘til we went to sleep, catching up on two years of each other’s experiences. Jan’s the number one family analyst, & is very concerned for how each one is making it. She reports optimistically on Tom, Carla & Donna, and pessimistically on Bruce. Time to get movin’, there’s a million things to do while she’s here!

Journal, February 18, 1976 PM

Whew, I just got done getting everything prepared to go to San Salvador tomorrow and pick up Jan. I’ll be lucky if I get there in one piece. I mashed my left thumb a good one today putting up chicken wire for the rabbits, and gouged a hunk out of my heel tonight when I went (barefoot) to a tienda {store} to buy a razorblade.

I got to get to bed before the mosquitoes finish me off, so I will forego all the wisdom I had stored up for tonight.

Journal, February 17, 1976 PM

Today, Antonio and I started dividing the rabbit corral. We got the bricks laid and the wood cut. That’s about all I did too.

I’m listening to "Buenas Noches America {Good Evening America}" on Jay’s shortwave. Funny, thinking back, I thought I’d never be able to understand Spanish over the radio (they seemed to talk so fast). Now I hardly miss a word - it’s tough to shut it out when I’d like to! Voice of America gives a lot of good news though.

I washed my bike tonight. It needed it bad! The salt in the air here near the ocean is really murder on everything metal, and is rusting everything iron on the bike. There’s no real way to stop it, just slow it down with grease & oil.

I started up reading Dante’s "Divina Comedia {Divine Comedy}" again last night, and got through Canto II tonight. It’s all formality & hidden symbols I can’t get into so far, but I expect it to be more interesting when he starts describing the circles of hell. <It’s a classic I’ve always been going to read, & Sofia’s read it so I have two reasons to finish it.>

Journal, February 16, 1976 PM

Jan’s comin’ in 3 days. It’s really hard to believe! I think I’ll take her up into the mountains on that trip Conrad wrote about in the Peace Corps press - a sapphire in emerald setting. Then off to Costa Rica if I can win her over without being overbearing. Man I need to get down to Costa Rica & get my bearings. I was so fed up with El Maizal this morning that I was seriously considering taking a job in sociology (like Chico {Rodriguez} wants me to) and leaving them. It also occurred to me to hang on ‘til August and then go to the University {of Wisconsin - Madison}. I’m applying for the whole school year so it would be easy. I’ll keep that option open.

This afternoon Profy {Gomez} promised me bricks & wire to divide up the rabbits’ corral, so my attitude is fairly positive again. I went and got some maicillo {grain sorghum} for him in the pickup ‘cause he’s got a bad kidney. <I had a talk with the maicillo’s owner about his son in Los Angeles, how big the U.S. is, and having someone you care about far away (yup, I told him about Sofia).> He said he missed his wife & kids a lot when he had to spend 8 or 15 days away from them. We shared a feeling.

Jay just got back; he’s promised to make a balloon for the Patron Saint Festival in Metalio. He says the people were really excited about it. They said they always used to send up balloons for the festival, but people seemed to have forgotten how. Jay will enjoy showin’ ‘em how!

A guy in the tienda {store} asked me if I’d known a volunteer named Dennis Christen____, then recognized me & insisted he’d known me in San Isidro when I was working there. He’s an I.S.T.A. {Instituto Salvadoreño de Transformación Agraria - the Salvadoran government’s agrarian reform agency, formerly known as the Instituto de Colonizacion Rural} employee, and it’s no wonder I don’t remember his face with the number of them that drifted through San Isidro in the 5 months I was there. Anyway he gave me “saludes {greetings}” from Don Torribio. I told him I’d talked with Don Torribio since leaving San Isidro because I knew his granddaughter Morena. Yea, he says, “Que bonita la muchacha, buena {What a pretty girl, nice}!” I agreed with him and things went along. I had Morena pretty well imprisoned in a back corner of my mind, now she’s out and about again. I’d thought I might call her (keeping my promise to help her practice English) when I went in to pick up Jan. Between that promise & curiosity I almost have to.

Journal, February 15, 1976 PM

I finished "One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest" before supper. It’s a fine, interesting book, but very depressing! We just can never beat the Combine (establishment, system, societal pressure to conform), we can only keep winning battles ‘til it annihilates us! No wonder there’s lots of us conforming "rabbits" around.

A whole mob showed up at the Kikilita {beach house} today. Lots of noisy kids obnoxiously using English words in their conversations to make sure they were bothering us to the max as we tried to read or rest and ignore them. The little bastards think they are being so clever, and are too sharp to be anything but civil when they talk directly to you, so there’s no good way of getting back at them without making a complete ass of yourself. I only hope they realize some day what it is to be harassed like that - what a negative feeling it gives one toward people. And then they’ll turn around & try to be the special buddy of the gringo {North American} (to exploit him of course) or ask an incredible favor right out of the blue (since all gringos are rich & have no sense of the value of money)!

Travelers say that people all over the third world are about the same. They’ll charge Europeans or North Americans more, serve them last, and try to beg money or favors off them. It’s enough to make even the most compassionate individual damned cagey after while!

With this wisdom now shared with all who shall venture to read these lines, I retire.

Letter, February 15, 1976

Hi folks,

I got a new form for you to sign here. It’s the new financial aids form for U.W.-Madison {University of Wisconsin – Madison}, replacing the Parents’ Confidential Statement. If I read it all right, you don’t have to fill it out, just look at questions 8, 9 & 10, and if you agree that all my answers should be no, you just sign in the box marked Parents’ Certification and Authorization and send it to this address:

College Scholarship Service
Box 2700
Princeton, NJ 08540

The pivotal question is whether you included me as a dependent for 1975 income tax. I don’t think you could have, because I’m over 22 and not a student; also I was completely financially independent through last year. I don’t plan to be at home for more than 2 weeks at a time or work summers at home, so the answers to 8 & 10 are accurate.

Actually I don’t expect to be in school until second semester – January 1977 – but am applying for all year because my financial aid application will get priority treatment that way. I figure to terminate in Peace Corps in late October or early November, then spend a month in Costa Rica attending Jaime Olson’s (fellow Peace Corps Volunteer) wedding among other things. I should make it back to Wisconsin to freeze my butt off in early December!

I just got the check to go with it from Banco Salvadoreño, so I will mail it right now. Try & get it signed and off by March 1st if possible. That’s the deadline from U.W.

Bruce writes me that Dad’s all excited about my being serious about a Latin American. Don’t worry Dad I’m a big boy now! Besides, you wouldn’t want me to end up a lone bachelor like Glen Krejchik {a cousin of my Dad} now would you? Always told me you wouldn’t!

Take care all,

Dean

Journal, February 14, 1976 PM

It’s the second night in Kikilita & I’m alone. Jay went to Sonsonate to work on his solar-powered hot air balloon with Conrad. They hope to make the first test flight tomorrow. I’m reading “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. It gets heavy into the day to day insanity of the routine in a mental hospital, or in life for that matter. You just can’t let anyone puncture your self-confidence, or they’ll have you controlled - make a robot of you. Self doubt can make worms of us all!

I made yogurt today, but it isn’t real thick yet, so I’ll give it another day in the Sun. Joe’s turned out both times on the second day. The goats filled two bottles today (one apiece) & I sold the other to Don Tin.

The girls from El Maizal’s “grupo juvenil {children’s group}” had me going this morning saying it was “Dia de Los Enamorados {literally Lovers’ Day}”, and didn’t I send something to my “novia {girlfriend}”? Then it hit me (or Jay pointed it out) that it’s Valentine’s Day. <I already wished Sofia a happy Valentine’s Day twice, so I’m covered!>

We rapped with Mrs. Angelina Castro de Hernandez, the owner of our new place, this afternoon, and she agreed to get us keys made for our door, & to pay for materials if we screen in the place. So we’re pleased, & she seems pleased, & all is well back at the ranch.

<I was considering earlier in the evening, the implications of the fact that I can no longer scare up an image of Sofia in my mind.> Events I can remember of course, but a mental picture of her face, no. Maybe that’s why the invention of photography was so popular. But it’s really no substitute. Movement is what gives a face character. At best, the camera catches one mood. When you pose you can lose that! Anyway, it’s tough to be in love with a memory of an image. Really, it’s more like I remember that I couldn’t get enough of her when I was with her, so unless my brain was on vacation, she had something special about her that I got to go back and check out again!

Journal, February 13, 1976 PM (Friday the 13th)

It wasn’t a bad day for being unlucky in the U.S. Maybe its only unlucky up there where folks believe in it - nobody’s heard of it here.

We moved today & I am sitting on my tijera {cot} writing this in Kikilita, our new home. It has lots of plants & nice tile floors. It is painted red & yellow. But the mosquitoes are eating us alive! Getting screens up is our first goal.

Blanca made 3 trips with her car to bring our stuff over & Jay and I tried carrying his bed over between our bikes. I took a spill & we gave up on it. He almost lost it when we left it alone 5 minutes, and some enterprising campesino {peasant farmer} took it home, hoping we’d forget to come back for it. You can’t leave anything unguarded in this country - people everywhere and most of them poor.

I brought my tijera {cot} over from El Maizal in Profy’s { Profy Gomez, director of the El Maizal demonstration farm.} pickup. It was only the third time I’ve driven in El Salvador (in 1 year 6 months). Jay says I should rent a car while Jan’s here to show her around. That would surely up my driving time.

Jay & I taped 2 chapters of a shortened version of Huckleberry Finn for the two CREDHO lawyers to study. They already know a good deal of English, but say they have trouble understanding when people talk fast. It seems like a reasonable method to improve their listening ability. The lawyers are one of the most important services CREDHO offers the peasants. The two lawyers (husband & wife) impress me as intelligent and very dedicated, decent people. I often ponder on the idea: What motivates such people? I have no single answer. It seems they just fit into a situation where they have their lawyers’ prestige & salaries, but can be helping folks who could never get this quality of legal service on their own. They’re somewhat noble, but certainly not martyrs.

Jay’s got Radio Canada on the short wave. They say there have been lots of irregularities in the distribution of relief supplies in Guatemala. How disgusting! People starving & homeless, and the rich & the military are hording the food & supplies. Hopefully international exposure of these incidents will force some action, but people with power seldom get more than token castigation. The inhumanity of we humans never ceases to amaze me!

Journal, February 12, 1976 PM

Blanca’s here tonight. Maybe she’ll help us move our stuff tomorrow with her car. I hope so ‘cause it’ll be rough to do afoot & Profy {Gomez} may not show up tomorrow, either. I wrote to Merna & Gert tonight, finishing off my backlog. I hope the letters taper off for a while now.

Gert is unreal! She writes to tell me I should tell the “Costa Rica chic” to wait and go to law school. Dad’s thinkin’ the same thing, but would never come out & say it like that. Honesty is a precious trait & Gert has it in spades - can’t help saying what she thinks. And she’s still sharp as a razor at 75.

El Maizal is depressing. No hammer, no ripsaw, and I’m trying to build a fenced in yard for the goats. And worse, no one really gives a damn if anything is done for the animals. It’s infectious! I bet Jan will be balling me out for not doing more for them the first thing when she sees them! Thank God not everyone’s as lackadaisical as the average Salvadoran.

Journal, February 11, 1976 PM

I rolled off 3 letters tonight leaving me only two behind. I’m too conscientious about answering my mail - everybody writes me back & there I am swamped again. Thank God most of my family writes rarely!

Jay was kidding me about Jan coming today: “Sure she’s your sister!” and “How old is she?” I expect the two of them will get along famously (always liked that usage), especially if he pays a little banjo!

<Sofia’s fading on me.> I remembered how fiery those brown eyes can be once today, but such vivid recollections have become rare. <For the first time (or so it seems) I was tossing around the idea of marrying Sofia in August of ’77 tonight.> I’d get my start in school, & maybe work part of the summer. She would be able to take an intensive English course (maybe in July) and be ready to give U.W. (University of Wisconsin - Madison) a run in August. I don’t know if she could take just a half year of university courses in Costa Rica, like our semesters, but getting married in the canicula { Costarican name for a brief break in the rainy season which typically occurs in mid-August.}, and coming back to Wisconsin in harvest season, is esthetically appealing. She said she didn’t want to get married in December (because everybody does!), so maybe she’ll buy it. <I didn’t like the way Jaime was insinuating Monday night that Sofia was already laying the groundwork for a double wedding.> Much as I like Jaime & Pilar, the idea turns me off. No matter how it was organized I’d feel like I was taking part in someone else’s wedding!