Journal, February 5, 1976 PM

That earthquake tremor we felt yesterday morning (3 AM) was a real disaster in Guatemala. Over 2,500 confirmed dead already! Several of the most prominent buildings in the capital were partially destroyed. Oh what piss ants we are when nature gives a little flex of her muscles!

<Jay brought two letters from Sofia, one from Bruce, one from Jay Mathes and one from U.W. {University of Wisconsin - Madison}.> I am becoming one of the most prolific letter-getters in Peace Corps. <I answered Sofia’s letter tonight.> Whew! Writing a serious, meaningful letter in Spanish is draining. She sounds very excited about starting university classes, which is great - we might as well both be student bums together! I’d really like to see her develop her mind, sooner or later her telling me how much she loves me just ain’t gonna be enough. I have a great need to toss ideas around with intelligent and informed people. If she doesn’t fill the need, I’ll have to find more of that sustenance outside the relationship and that could be the start of problems. {some text not transcribed}

We had our first basketball practice today, with a flat ball. We did some passing and shooting. They don’t know sheeeet!

Tomorrow I go to San Salvador to do a million things (including buy a bus ticket) and Saturday to Atiocoyo on a much postponed courtesy call. I hope Mr. Yu and Mr. Ou {pronounced Oo} are both there. Boy, am I up late tonight!

Journal, February 4, 1976 PM

I’m thinking about Joe again tonight. We had supper alone here this evening and with it a long, heavy talk. We both sense a certain similarity between us, we are both searchers, questioners, analyzers. Both meticulous and tireless self-analyzers especially - why do I feel like this? Why did I act like that? Who am I & what is it I seek?

He told me how he arrived where he now is, how he came to drop out of his chemical engineering gig, and where his wanderings have taken him since. At one time he was a 3rd year engineering student with a new bride he really cared about. I think that falling apart must have started the breaking of his ties to "Northamerican intellectual society". After graduating he worked for a big polluting company, too. He couldn’t lose himself in his work facing that! He tried grad. school in environmental engineering, but the memorization was too much. He had lost that insane, unquestioning, inkblotter approach to learning which the eager young highschooler brings with him to college. He went to Europe, then Canadian Peace Corps, and now he’s traveling unattached. A disinherited knight abroad seeking his fortune - but in knowledge & self-realization rather than gold and silver. Que le vaya bien {May things go well for you}!

That little detail about the “perfect” woman that didn’t work out was not lost on old Dino. I don’t know how I’d survive a bad marriage. To be that committed to a person and have it go to pieces would scar me, I fear. <Sofia, I got to make sure you’re a whole woman and not just a Barbie doll!>

I’m going to teach some basketball tomorrow, if the word of professors Palacios & Barrera(?) is better today than it was about the softball practice I should have gone to today.

I still haven’t gotten any farther than reading the first chapter & doing a couple problems in Jay’s physics book. The talk with Joe drained me. As he would say, there was a lot of energy flowing.

<Jay should bring me a letter from Sofia when he returns from San Salvador tomorrow!> I need that kind of lift tonight, but a letter probably wouldn’t do it anyway. I will have to drift for now, take a fix on life’s mundane necessities again in the morning.

Journal, February 4, 1976 AM

We had a strong earthquake tremor last night. It lasted about a minute and is the strongest one I’ve ever experienced. It woke both Jay & I up, and when it was over we went out & pissed. I hope this isn’t a lead-up to a big quake!

Yesterday some rabbit expert from Chile showed up. Actually she came the day before with six females to breed to our males, & then returned yesterday, and took our best male with her. So now we’re down to 2 mature males. Profy {Gomez} just can’t say no to someone who sounds very "expert" and "official". I told him I didn’t like this idea of tecnicos {technical people} coming in on one day whirlwind visits, and raising havoc with what order I’m starting to establish in our rabbit raising system. He tolerated my outburst, but didn’t seem to understand it or sympathize much with it.

Joe’s yogurt came out super good, and he made us another fine meal last evening. Jay got back from Sonsonate just in time to eat it. Joe says he’s leaving Thursday. Time to move along before he gets too attached to the place. He’s a strange, sensitive, deep feeling person. I wonder where he’ll end up, what he’ll be doing in 25 years.

Journal, February 2, 1976 PM

We put in half a day of work today and came back to the rancho {beach house}. I made yogurt and had a fine Chinese dinner with Joe. He’s kind of spacey, but a good cook - very meticulous as you might expect from an M.S. in chemical engineering; a meticulous, fussy, yoga freak tripping on life & people. But he’s tied to that van - not only sleeps in it, but does his yoga there (in all probably spends half his day in or around it).

I read a chapter of physics this afternoon; first in Jay’s book. It’s been 6 or 8 months since I got into physics - time I got back to it.

Blanca showed up tonight & Jay made a balloon to send up for her, but the fuel container leaked & we couldn’t pull it off. It’s his new propulsion system - just gas in a tinfoil cup - designed to avoid the problem of the balloon setting fires when it comes down. Credit the idea to Conrad Ebisch {a Peace Corps Volunteer, stationed in Sonsonate} - Jay’s consulting physicist.

Journal, February 1, 1976 PM

I copied last night’s wit & wisdom in just now & it left my mind blank concerning stuff for today. I remember explaining my dual opinion about how many kids I should have to Elena. I’d like to have 5 or 6 because I like kids & think big families are a great environment for raising kids in, but given the world population situation I can’t justify having more than two of my own. There are people who really only want one or two kids, but for me it’ll be a deprivation, I expect. Shit, maybe two will sour me so on havin’ children that I’ll be more than ready to stop there. I really can’t say ‘til I get there.

I played a little catch with a hard ball, this afternoon. You don’t forget how, even in a year or so! I’ve had some of my best and some of my most trying times playing softball. I remember them calling me a "curly haired jew" when I pitched in 4-H, to try to rattle me, and playing at home with family & neighborhood kids; and fraternity league, & picnics with a half-barrel & game during college. I never was too good, but it’s a very social game - a genuine midwestern U.S. tradition!

Joe plans to make a Chinese meal tomorrow, for all - right on! I’m going to bring him goats’ milk to make yogurt from, also. He says it’s the best yogurt there is! I’m anxious to compare his method with Steve Hays’ and use the best of both.

Jay just got back from Sonsonate with 50 centavos left to his name. How the fiesta came out he didn’t say.

Again tonight I’ve definitely decided that I have to go back to the states single & get my trip together before bringing a little woman into the picture. I have reasoned it all out thoroughly. <I wonder how long it’ll last once I get my arms around Sofia again?>

Images, February, 1976

Santos, Don Tin, me and Doña Reina in front of San Augustin restaurant/store {in Metalío}.

Don Adán and his wife in front of their home on the beach {in Metalío}.

Kikilita beach house where Jay Hasheider & I stayed part of our time in Metalío.

Kikilita, side view including cooking area at left.

Kikilita, side view with bathhouse at right.

Jay Hasheider in the top of a coconut tree, with a rope to let coconuts down on. {Metalío, El Salvador}

{Me} climbing a coconut {palm} tree at the beachhouse.

Aristides, a good friend, at El Maizal.

Profy Gomez's Hillman auto beside El Maizal school/clinic.

View of fields & trench silo from atop the water tower at El Maizal.

Sheep grazing on natural pasture at El Maizal.

{The telegram I received from my sister Jan on Febrary 9, 1976, telling me that she would arrive February 19th.}

Journal, January 31, 1976 PM

I’m at El Maizal tonight. The Doctor is at the rancho {beach house}, and I forgot my journal, so I will copy this in later. Two more baby goats arrived today - babies of all classes of mammals are so cute! Jay & Joseph (the Canadian - still with us) are in Sonsonate and at the beach, respectively. Yesterday Joe moved his van to the unoccupied lot next door, & he seems content there. He’s having brake problems though - needs a couple parts. Jay went to the fiesta {Patron Saint Festival?} and will be back tomorrow.

I got my new fangled financial aid form almost ready to go - just lack the check in dollars.

Some dude from the church in San Salvador was trying to convert me today. They never learn! He says if you believe in God & the Bible, and want to help people they are waiting to receive you. I told him all the dogma bummed me out - Buddhism, Islam, the Jewish faith and Christianity all have about the same moral teachings, so why quibble over dogma? That didn’t even sink in, so I told him my “novia” {girlfriend} wanted to make a Catholic out of me! Here they only recognize 1 distinction: Catholics and the other churches (which they assume to be Christian)!

<I had to show Antonio Sofia’s picture today.> I told him I was going into town some day next week to buy a bus ticket for Costa Rica - guess that started it!

Journal, January 31, 1976 AM

It’s colder than heck this morning - I’ll probably catch this cold back that I just about had licked. I woke up early & have been lying here shivering thinking about Jan’s trip down here, going to Costa Rica with Jaime, and the responsibilities imminent marriage entails. I’ll need to find the money to pay health and life insurance at the least, and probably some personal property, once we set up housekeeping. All that to organize, plus my determination to study, and the uncertainty of part-time work point to a Nov. or Dec. 1977 marriage. That’s assuming I don’t fall out of love (like rolling off a top bunk onto a bare wood floor)!

I wrote Jan back giving her more trip instructions & telling her I’m going to Costa Rica the 20th come hell or high water. I hope she postpones her trip ‘til Easter week. I’ll be ready to go to Costa Rica again, and we can have things much more organized. But she insists she’ll arrive “some time in February”.

I am struggling with a financial aid form & ran out of blue ink, so I couldn’t do anything last night. I got started on the last Time Magazine and couldn’t put it down. I can lay off world news for a while, but then I’ll see an article that sounds interesting, and get deep into all the “world drama” again. Guess I’m a hopeless addict - have to know what’s goin’ on even if I have no power to change it!

Course ends at El Maizal today. Jay promised to send up a couple balloons. I’ll just feed some more silage & read Time. <I’m having trouble keeping a fix on Sofia in the gray matter today - memories are getting too distant & still 21 days to go!>

Letter, January 30, 1976

Hello Jan,

I really am racking my brain trying to decide what to tell you about your planned trip here in February. I figure this letter is the last chance I have to communicate with you (send & receive a letter) before you head out, if you do. It would be cool just making it down here when you can without notice except for one thing. I plan definitely to go to Costa Rica by bus the 20th (with Jaime Olson) unless you come. We have to get tickets ahead so time is already running out, considering how long it will take for you to get this letter & answer. And there’s no faster communication ‘cause we’d have to set up a phone call in a letter too! If you want me to call you (before coming or ever!) tell me the number & when you’ll be around for sure (like a Friday or Saturday evening at home for instance).

So here’s my last minute trip suggestions as painfully hammered out. I assume you got my long letter of trip recommendations, which answers most of the questions you asked me. I’ll wait a few days to get a reply to that letter - in case you confirm that you’re coming and about when. If it don’t come or you still aren’t definite, I’ll buy my bus ticket for Costa Rica for the 20th. If you have trouble making it for February, why not put it off ‘til March (or ideally try to get here about a week & a half before Easter in April when I’m planning another one week run to Costa Rica). I’m probably getting unnecessarily uptight about getting my bus ticket & being set to go to Costa Rica. <We could always hitch & take local buses, but I’m really getting anxious to run down there & I’ve got Jaime and Sofia & other people down there wanting to be informed if I’m coming & when, & Tica Bus is an easy, reliable way to go ($36 round trip).> So if I don’t get another letter with more definite plans in a few days, I’ll buy the ticket (don’t know if I can sell or change it once I fix the day) and if ya come about that same time anyway, we’ll work something out. From the 20th to the 29th I’ll be in Costa Rica if I hear nothing from you before that, OK?

Important info.: You won’t need any real warm clothes here. A sweater and a fall jacket will do it & bring sturdy walkin’ shoes, but not heavy boots (roast your feet). A friend said you can get a travel agency to send your passport to Chicago, take it around to the consulates (most countries have one there), and get your visas fairly cheap - you might check it out. Jay, the Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) I live with, came through Mexico & Guatemala by bus for $40 in bus fare, recently. He says to take lots of fruit to eat if you try it. Restaurants along the way are quite expensive & spending all day in a bus you’re better off not eating anyway. Jaime Olson’s parents came down without getting any shots, but by plane. Everybody says a passport is essential. Remember most border workers are at least functional illiterates and the shape & color of a U.S. passport is instantly recognizable. You might get to El Paso, Texas by hitching, buses and/or trains, and get a bus from the Mexican side. It’s shorter than going to California, & there are lots of buses out of there (Jay came through there). Try to get a thru-bus all the way to Guatemala if possible to avoid possibly getting lost in Mexico City. From Guatemala City either Melba or Tica Bus will get you to San Salvador. Melba is cheaper but you have to go to the city bus terminal to get it so it could be more hassle. If you get to Guatemala City, are spending the night, and want to let me know you’ll be in San Salvador the next day (If you haven’t given me prior notice some other way.), call 28-0374 in Santa Tecla, El Salvador (after 6 PM weekdays someone’s usually there), and ask the guys there (Names: Steve Pamperin, Steve Hays, Mike Shank) to send me a telegram in Metalio saying you’re coming (and what bus). I’ll warn them. If I still don’t meet you, you could take a cab to Peace Corps Office, #915, 25 Avenida Norte {Avenue North}, a green building almost across the street from a tall building with a big neon OXGASA sign on it (usually rings a bell with cab drivers).

That shot the letter. Thanks for the University of Wisconsin forms, the info. on University climate, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" (I’m recommending it to all as we start the same trip again!), etc. <You can camp here - right by the beach - and I wrote to ask Sofia about possibilities in Costa Rica, near where she lives.> We can either find you a place to camp or stay in cheap hotels, don’t worry! <No space for discussing Sofia’s personality.> Just as well, I got to see her again to be sure of anything.

Love & Happy Ground Hog’s Day,

Dean

Journal, January 29, 1976 PM

I finally finished "Fear and Loathing" {"Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"}, and have no energy left to do anything else tonight. There was lots of meaningless rapping today with Jay, some guy who eats at Don Tin’s that was an AFS student, and other people. I started irrigating a hunk of earth to raise feed for the rabbits & opened the silo today. Luis says El Maizal is getting a tractor soon, and Profy {Gomez} says their "irrigation system" will be installed within a few days. CREDHO sure manages to attract lots of aid money, in every conceivable form. If it could only be all organized into a workable whole!

Profy still plans to get cows! The rabbits will soon have no fresh grass to eat, the goats have no concentrate and no corral, and if not for the silage, would be facing imminent starvation. But we have got to have cows ‘cause we can get ‘um free! Heaven help us all!

There is a terrific macro-theory of many of the major events in the U.S. in the last 50 years floating around in Peace Corps El Salvador. Jay hit me with it today, & I had heard some from Mike Shank a week ago. It connects the two Kennedy assassinations, Chappaquiddick, the marriage of Jackie to Aristotle Onassis, and all kinds of other sinister happenings into a giant Mafia plot between Onassis, Joe Kennedy & some third party. It all started with dope smuggling, and caused the Vietnam war, among other side effects. I got to see this! Jay & Mike were both impressed with it, & they always seemed like such rational folks too!

Journal, January 28, 1976 PM

Fuckin’ diary, who needs it! <Here it is 11:15 and I just got done painstakingly etching out a letter to Sofia (after doing a financial aid form!) and I can’t hit the sack ‘cause of this beggar.>

<Jay brought me Sofia’s letter and 3 others - plus the U.W. {University of Wisconsin-Madison} financial aid shit - when he came back from the capital this afternoon in the Peace Corps pickup.> Joe, the Canadian, had a good old time in town. It sounds like he gave in to all his vices. I wonder how long he’ll hang around here?

Nothing big at El Maizal, chores and reading. I put copper sulfate on a pussy sore one goat had on its leg. The agrónomo {agricultural extensionist} and the workers had been speculating on why it was lame, but at times it appears it takes a Gringo {North American} to take the initiative to do little day to day chores like that. Animals need regular, reliable care, and no one else there seems to feel the responsibility very strongly.

I didn’t win a cent in the lottery, leaving me ¢3 in the hole on that venture. But at least it’s not as sure a loss as loaning money to Adán, the caretaker of the rancho {beach house}. I lost five {colones} that way.

<Sofia still loves me, but I felt a flash of jealousy.> She said she didn’t want me to see "esa chica" {that girl} too much. Good instincts! <I wrote her back quick and let her know I’d love to get her (Sofia) in bed!>

Journal, January 27, 1976 PM

Tonight I copied every memorable quote I’ve come across in "Fear and Loathing" {"Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"} so far in my special notebook. I’ve been sporadically recording quotes for a year and a half now. Amazingly, I have no Walt Whitman, although I read "Leaves of Grass" during Peace Corps training. Or perhaps I consciously realized the impossibility of selecting the "most appropriate" ones and, wisely, didn’t begin. I did fold corners to mark favorite poems - leaving maybe 1 in 10 pages with top or bottom corner folded!

<Today is the day I win a fortune in the El Salvador national lottery, so I can quit Peace Corps, marry Sofia and take a long honeymoon - arriving in the U.S. in time for college in the fall.> Even my wildest dreams are well thought out! I’ll buy the paper tomorrow and see exactly how much I won.

Today I did a lot of diddlely-shit at El Maizal, really didn’t get anything done, and left wondering what I might conceive of to keep me busy. "It is not enough to be busy ... The question is, what are we busy about?" (Thoreau). But, surely if H.D. Thoreau had been a PCV {Peace Corps Volunteer} he would have been more than happy to have anything to do after a year and a half of under-accomplishment.

Don Tin leveled with me this noon about his opinion of the political situation here. "No hay libertad" {There is no liberty}, he said. The military has the power & they flaunt it. They treat civilians like dirt when they get in the way. He doesn’t understand why the U.S. keeps pouring aid (military, economic, humanitarian) into this country through the present government. He is not as ready to condemn the U.S. Government as I am. He has a lot of respect for Norteamericanos {North Americans}. But he shakes his head and says somethin’s gotta give. It reminds me of my Dad lecturing us about the terrible state of the nation and the world back home on what might have been peaceful winter nights.

One of the Sonsonate chics that was here when Whit {Lawrence} & friends came last week, came back this afternoon with her knock-out sister, and her sister’s Greek fiancé. They didn’t stay long, but she’ll be back to go swimwin’ some day this week she says. <How come I didn’t run into chics lookin’ for a good time before I promised Sofia I’d be good?>

Journal, January 26, 1976 PM

Today was a nothing. I don’t remember a single event or thought which seems worth recording. I hope Jay brings me a letter or two when he comes back from San Salvador tomorrow. Good night and may God bless (Red Skelton).

Journal, January 25, 1976 PM

Upon starting this journal, I declared that I hoped I would never be desperate enough to go back and read it myself. I’ve already reached that point. I read entries for December 26 & 27, and it brought back some nice memories. <It surprised me a little how strong my emotions were for Sofia!> So what the hell’s wrong with reading your own diary - I feel no guilt!

We have another visitor, Joseph, who Jay met on the road & brought back this morning during a meeting of El Maizal’s co-op students & two Acajutla consumer co-op people which they held at the rancho {beach house}. He’s Canadian, a chemical engineer, a former "Canadian PCV" {Canadian Peace Corps Volunteer} in Malaysia, and traveling around in a nice red van (since September). He’s renounced conventional North American life as gluttonous & too mind-oriented, and is into yoga, and totally experiencing each moment. It strikes me as kind of egotistical, but he’s a nice, mellow dude. He’s going into San Salvador with Jay tomorrow, and leaving the van - which he’s excited about because he hasn’t slept anywhere but in it since he began his travels. He spent most of the afternoon monkeying around it also. It seems to me he’s as tied to that piece of metal as others are to North American intellectual ideas or politics or football, or as I am to the idea of studying physics (as a method of studying my universe).

I may have seen a sun burn out on some fellow travelers in the universe tonight. It was just a quick flash - maybe I only imagined it - but it could have been judgment day for a race of God-fearing beings somewhere.

A second recognition of our mortality was visited upon me tonight. A reference to a presumed George Meany stroke by Hunter S. Thompson in "Fear and Loathing" {"Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"} brought back a flash of the night two winters ago, when, in the middle of a coughing fit, Dad’s face turned so red & I put my fingers in his mouth to keep him from swallowing his tongue. We started to call a doctor, but he was coming out of it by then. He was so completely helpless, and when he came to he had no knowledge of the attack. I’ll never forget how mellow he was right after he came to - like risen from the dead - pale, calm, rational, yet bewildered, like a recovering amnesia victim.

Journal, January 25, 1976 AM

Yesterday, after writing in this journal, it occurred to me that I had skipped over a couple of the most important thoughts in my mind, while meticulously recording events I didn’t give a shit about. I’ve got to find a balance somehow between events & ideas so this thing doesn’t deteriorate into a Mickey Mouse exercise.

<I woke up today thinking about Sofia again.> I’m going through a weird stage of doubt - self-doubt, doubt of her value as a potential mate (though not of her fidelity or sincerity), guilt for doubting the value of a beautiful person who can love so easily and straightforwardly, doubt of my capacity (or willingness!) to take on married life right now. I look at her picture often, as if it were going to tell me if she’s the woman for me or not! I’ve thought about taking Jan and her friends down to Costa Rica to meet her as a means of getting an outside opinion of her from folks whose opinions I respect. <A large part of it is just the agony of being separated from Sofia after experiencing such strong feelings for her.>

After a morning buzz to El Maizal, Jay & I helped Profy {Gomez} with the well here at the rancho {beach house}, yesterday afternoon. Profy is so amazing; he is fantastic with (the caretaker) Adan’s kids, and handles drunken Adan gently, a little cynically, but never angrily even though Adan is one of the most trying drunkards I’ve ever known. He hangs around & hangs around, uttering pure nonsense, annoying you by standing in your way and otherwise demanding attention. He lives drunk; doesn’t sleep one off before starting another, simply lives drunk. We reached water, about a foot of it, with the tubing.

In "Fear and Loathing" {"Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"} I reached the Wisconsin Primary last night. It was fascinating to read about the major personalities in the primary campaign, and where the candidates’ heads were really at then, since I was in the midst of that primary back in Madison in ’72. Thompson’s stories of self-sacrifice by (especially out-of-state) McGovern volunteers makes the little bit of half-assed campaign work I did look puny (it was). His story about the dedication of volunteers to George McGovern brought back a scene from election night (November) the same year. I was living in a co-op. We were all pro-McGovern and watching the election results on T.V. When George came on to give his recognition-of-defeat speech, a Black girl I hardly knew, who was sitting next to me, grabbed my arm in tears. “Oh, George!” she cried - I don’t remember what else. He brought out emotion in his supporters; just seemed so upright & so good you wanted him to win against all odds!

Journal, January 23, 1976 PM

I got back to Metalío today, but never made it to El Maizal. After eating, I was headed for there, but met Jay on the road & went back to Metalío to rap while he ate. So by the time we finished at Don Tin’s, it was after 2 and we said fuck work & went to the “rancho” {beach house}. I took a swim & got back into "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" by Hunter S. Thompson (which I started this morning on the bus out). Fascinating book!

About 5:00 Whit Lawrence, Gary Miller and Tom Morgan showed up in the Embassy Bronco. Officially, they came to check out the project at El Maizal, but mostly they were up for going swimming. After they hit the beach, along came two chics who knew Jay from Sonsonate, lookin’ for a place to change for swimming too, so it got to be quite a social afternoon!

We ended up going to Don Tin’s for a beer & ran into Profy {Gomez} there. So after all the niceties there, the guys and girls left & Profy gave us a ride back to the rancho {beach house}. As usual at night, he was up for talking so we discussed all kinds of stuff relative to El Maizal. He promised to get another barrel so we’ll have 2 from which to make feeders for the goats & oxen. Also, he’s starting to listen to my argument about not bringing cattle to El Maizal right away.

More importantly, they should start the new well at the rancho tomorrow, so maybe soon we’ll have wash water!

Journal, January 23, 1976 AM

I finally managed to give away those sociology books, but it took a little doing. I came into town {San Salvador}, got the books, and got over to the library by 2:15, just to wait until 4 because Morena never showed up. So finally I packed up and went over to the social science faculty by myself - asking directions. I talked to a dude who had something to do with the sociology library, & he was more than happy to take the books. He said they’d put a citation with my name in each one (can you dig it!). I didn’t know what to do with the rose I’d brought for Morena (to say thanks) - finally tossed it in a car window in a parking lot.

Back at Peace Corps office I ran into Chico {Rodriguez}. We had one of our best talks in some time. I leveled with him about the situation at El Maizal, and my belief that they’d be better off without cows right now. He accepted that, but is still trying to get me to do some sociology related work. He still talks about the Cerron Grande project and how badly they need a 'rural sociologist'. I told him I’d like to meet with their sociologist, and see what kind of study they’re setting up, but wouldn’t work full time on it. He’s going to trade me a copy of "Feeds and Feeding" for my sociology methods book. I’ve always wanted to have that book. Chico says we may all go over to the Honduras agriculture school for a visit at the end of February. It could be a real hectic end of February this year!

I indulged in two salads at the Skandia {restaurant}, and then finished off my grits for supper last night. I’m at Steve’s {Pamperin} again.

<I wrote to Sofia last night, and told her about Jan’s possible visit.> I can’t write beautifully simple letters like hers, so I suffered over it, trying to say just what I felt, and ended up dissatisfied, of course.

I called Morena in the middle of the letter. She claims I promised to call first and confirm that I was coming into town today. I know that ain’t so, but didn’t press it too hard, since she was adamant. It’s a weird thing about her, so certain of things I know didn’t happen. I have complete confidence in my memory, but why quibble? We had a nice friendly chat, but it’s clear from the way she teases me about Costa Rica that now it’s she who wants to be more than friends. Sorry girl. I agreed to go to the Fiestas Patronales {Patron Saint Festival} in San Isidro May 15th, and to call and talk to her in English once in a while, to help her practice for when Stateside friends call up or visit. Don Torribio was at her house, and came on to say "Hi". I’ll have to get up to see him and Doña Julia.

Journal, January 21, 1976 PM

<Jay just made my whole day, brought me a letter from Sofia.> She didn’t really say much except she loves me. She is so effusive about saying it, that a little voice in the back of my head still says, man you’ve got to be kidding, she’s got to be putting you on! <But it was a beautiful letter and the dominant train of thought in my mind is that Sofia is just a beautiful person, a little naïve, but all the more beautiful for it.> How did I get so lucky?

We tattooed rabbits with a passion today, only sparing expectant mothers & young children! Our system seems to be working.

I got the pedigrees and registration papers on the rabbits and goats from Profy {Gomez}, today. I will try to get blanks from the registry association to register our baby goats. I expect to tattoo their ears too for identification.

I left my backpack at Don Tin’s on the way home tonight & had to go back and get it. What a scatterbrain!

Journal, January 21, 1976 AM

Boy, I’m either sick, or the heat is getting to me! I went to bed at about 7:00 last night, and at 6 AM I’m still feeling groggy and ache all over. I finally broke down and took my malaria medicine last night, figuring I was feeling so weak & tired I’d be easy prey. The Peace Corps doctor told me Friday I should always take my pills, living on the beach, but I haven’t since late November. I had that weird dizziness again yesterday too. I stood up from having been half laying back - talking to Luis about some Chilean protest songs we were listening to, & about Salvadoran illegals in the U.S. (his Dad’s one) - and saw before my open eyes something like a fireworks display. It was a symmetrical group of white lights (like fireflies weaving a pattern before me). Who needs drugs when such weird things can happen to you straight?

Antonio and I experimented with tattooing the rabbits using a needle and shoe polish powder! We did two, and if it didn’t wash off we’ll try a few more today.

One of the baby goats had a “gusanera” {nest of maggots} of worms in its navel - like you see in textbooks illustrating grave parasite infestations. We put some black gooey antibiotic (can’t hang onto that name!) on it and it killed the worms, but the wound still looks gross.

I read the paper (major operation) and it (El Diario de Hoy) was full of news about PCN, the official party, getting primed up for the March elections of mayors and legislators. Not a word about UNO, organization of all opposing parties. The radio is full of PCN propaganda too. Nothing like fascism with a pretense of democracy to make you sick! But the people too know that PCN has all the money, & the national papers so it really is largely overkill, all their politicking. I want to see what they do on election day. I’ve heard they buy, coerce and demand votes in the rural areas, using the Guardia Naciónal {National Guard}, and the organization of ex-soldiers against communism to back them up.

Journal, January 19, 1976 PM

I started it last night and finished it tonight - a beautiful little book called "Daybreak" by Joan Baez. I had admired her pacifism & anti-war stand before - and her music - but this has made her one of those special human beings I truly esteem. She doesn’t touch drugs, absolutely nothing beyond a little wine and an occasional sleeping pill. She trips on life and doesn’t want any interference. Something else she said really struck me. She said her father wrote her once that she comes to conclusions intuitively that take him years of thought to arrive at. I think that’s an important distinction between people; those who can derive and accept ideas on pure intuition, and those who search vainly all their lives for concrete confirmation of (often the same) ideas. For the first type of person, school is just "babysitting" (her word), but for the second it is food for his insatiable hunger. Steinbeck refers to this same distinction in talking about Cal and Alan (?), the sons of Adam T__. He goes further and says Cal was too intelligent to devote himself single-mindedly to school, but that his brother had to work harder to learn, and thus became devoted to the learning process. Being a confirmed studier, I’m not sure I accept that!

I went to El Maizal and did some rabbit work. Tomorrow Antonio and I are going to try an experiment with tattooing - see if we can do it with a pin and shoe polish! I read a U.S. rabbit book, & it gave advice completely different than what the CENTA pamphlet did. Now I don’t know which to follow!

I helped Don Adán beat some sorghum heads to remove the grain. I promised him my worthless watch ‘cause he has a friend that fixes them.

I asked Nico, the truck driver, if he’d seen my {bed} sheet. He said no, he’d only seen a pink one, and had put all my stuff in the corner. I had seen the sheet under his bedspread since coming back from Costa Rica, but couldn’t very well say that because it would have been like a direct accusation, & I can’t be sure. I told Luis about it and gathered from the expression on his face he was as suspicious of Nico as I. I should be angry, but just feel disgusted to have re-demonstrated how we humans can go blithely along ripping each other off without outward sign of guilt feelings - what a downer.

<I’m really getting anxious for a letter from Sofia.> All kinds of groundless doubts & misgivings run through my head. Looking at her picture don’t help, that innocent expression could draw compassion from a rock, but it doesn’t do her justice (as no picture ever really captures a personality, only a mood - if that). <Doggone it Sofia, if you loved me you’d write!>

Journal, January 18, 1976 PM

I finished "Cien Años de Soledad" {One Hundred Years of Solitude} today. It ended with Melquíades’ secret to life being the complete history of the Buendía family, written before it happened. I would have to say the book as a whole was a modern day parable with the "heavenly meaning" being that life and man’s existence on Earth are a tragedy, so you aught to find sustenance in love (relieve your "soledad" {solitude}). Or if you miss out on for real, passionate, all consuming love, you can try partying! As Aureliano Segundo said, "Pártense vacas, la vida es corta!" {Out of my way cows, life is short!}

I rode up to the La Libertad turnoff & back on the bike for exercise (13 kilometers one way). I could make it to Sonsonate, no sweat, if I could stay over and return the next day.

I called Morena about the books again tonight & she’s got my mind fucked up again. <She has been so unbelievably nice and talkative since I told her about Sofia.> She’s being so sweet and understanding she makes me feel guilty, like I did her wrong in some way, but I’ve been completely honest. What more could I do? She’s tricky though. She asked me if I’d gotten a letter from the novia {girlfriend} yet, and when I admitted I hadn’t she seemed to get some little satisfaction out of it. So I’ll meet her at the University {of El Salvador} library to go give ‘em the books on Thursday. I hope I am together enough to tell her I was "enamorado" {in love} with her, but I can’t handle 2 novias, so can’t we still be friends? Unless she takes her sister to classes with her, we should be alone together for the first time since San Isidro days. It’s so much easier to say what you feel to someone when you’re alone.

Letter, January 18, 1976

{Jan,} Well, here goes on the trip:

First off take a good look at a map of North America. Mexico is a long country. Jay Hasheider, the PCV who lives & works with me, went home for Christmas (Missouri) and came back by bus through Mexico. He figures in a car you could get through Mexico in 5 long driving days (not driving nights, but 12-15 hours a day). The Pan Am highway is a good road all through Mexico (at its worst like a county trunk in Wisconsin, but all paved apparently). They are doing some road repair on the shorter coastal route in Guatemala, so there are detours, but Jay said it wasn’t bad. We are in the dry season (no rain since November or until May) so it’s a good time to travel (no mud or washed out roads). Jay recommends that you don’t travel nights because of the danger of breaking down in the middle of nowhere & running into thieves. I’ve really got no other experience to base a recommendation on so I give you his.

As far as passports go, I’d recommend you get them if at all possible. Lots of folks go to Mexico without them, but I’ve never seen a U.S. citizen try passing borders in Central America without one. At the least, they would probably charge you a little extra money to pass the border and you might run into some budding young bureaucrat who simply refused to let you through. Many border employees have no extensive knowledge of English, but they like neat official looking documents & a U.S. passport is especially respected (lots of Salvadorans would love to buy one some day!). Ya, you have to pay to cross borders, sometimes. It depends on the country, day of the week, time of day & your documentation & possessions! I paid $1.50 to get out of Guatemala when I went up there (not a cent to get in). Almost all countries charge you for service on weekends and outside of normal business hours (about 8 to 5). I talked to a cyclist who had to pay to get his bike fumigated at the Nicaraguan border, and then they never did it! I would recommend you get a copy of a thick little red covered book called “Guide to South America” (or something close), if it ain’t too expensive. Experienced travelers commonly have them down here. They give recommendations on roads (containing maps), bus service, places to stay (I think), interesting stuff to see, and have addresses of important places like the U.S. Embassy in each country & other embassies and consulates. It might be a good investment! Also, watch out for Mexico City, Jay says he swears it’s as big as New York City & therefore easy to get lost in.

As far as what to bring, it’ll be hot in February, but can get cool enough at night for a light jacket. I’d bring sleeping bags because they can be used in cheap hotels to protect you from bugs, lice, etc. in the beds as well as camping out. It won’t rain here (maybe 1 freak storm) but you could run into a little rain in Mexico or Guatemala - don’t bring more than an umbrella or light rain jacket. Bring tennis shoes or other good walking shoes, but not heavy boots as there’ll be no mud, just dust! If you come, how about taking some money from my bank account (Dad can get it out as cosigner) and bringing me 2 pairs of blue jeans (32-32), a couple good recent record albums (what you like), and a can or bottle of Pabst! Other than that try to travel light since the authorities will go through your stuff at some borders if they are in a bad mood.

Oh, roads in El Salvador are good, the main ones, so with a car we can see a lot of stuff in a hurry. The country is only 120 miles long! On weekdays you can stay with Jay & I in the beach hours, but we usually split on weekends if the owner is expected. There’s a place in San Salvador where I stay for $1.60 a night when in town & they have cheap meals too, so with a little notice, I could work it out with the lady for us to stay there a couple days and look around the capital (like on a weekend!). Traveling through Mexico I would say you should be able to sleep for $2 to $3 a night if you go Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) class (lousy beds but usually clean). Get used to the idea that people make a living from ripping off "gringos" {North Americans} so barter prices, keep a good eye on the car, hang onto your wallets, etc. Don’t drink the water anywhere in Mexico or Guatemala - stick to pop or hot coffee. It’s easy to get amoebas - I’ve had them. I have a filter & iodine pills, so you’ll be able to drink water here. Also, I can give you each a malaria pill when you get here. The Peace Corps doctor has me on one a week since I live near the beach.

Now that you’ve gotten my other letter, you know I ran into more than flowers and great weather in Costa Rica. Jaime (the guy with the fiancé there) and I had been planning on going to Costa Rica February 20th for a week. Since he’s going for sure, be sure to let me know as definitely as possible if & about when you’re coming. If you’re not completely wiped out from travel when you get here, we could go on down there. Jaime figures you could make it by car from here to there in 1 day by hitting the El Salvador - Honduras border when it opens and driving straight through. Other ideas running through my head - if y’all come - include going up the Chinandego volcano. It is one of the few real nature areas left in the country. A fellow PCV knows a lot about it and would love to go up again, especially if someone has a car. Also, going to see Izalco - the most impressive-looking & young volcano here - and seeing a crater lake called Coatepeque. The beach, of course, is right out my door, or you can visit other, better-known ones. If we went to Costa Rica we could take a ride on the former Brooklyn Ferry, which now transports people, cars & cargo from El Salvador to Nicaragua - bypassing El Salvador’s hostile neighbor Honduras. However, the border on the Nicaraguan side has a reputation for being the worst around, and the road from the ferry landing to Managua is poor.

Last thoughts on the trip: Someone told me they had to pay $30 in traffic fines going across Mexico by car. Apparently the cops there have a well set up system for getting their share of gringo money. Bribery is a way of life in Latin America. So if they stop you they’ll probably ask for money not to write a ticket, and you’d probably better go along if it isn’t over a couple bucks. I read recently that over 500 young U.S. citizens were in Mexican jails on drug charges & in Latin America you are guilty until proved otherwise, so chew that over. However, many PCVs here indulge and apparently have safe sources, so if you feel the need, once you get here, we may be able to arrange something. Well, that’s more than enough travel advice!

Needless to say, I’d really like to see you make it down. I remember Gopher, but never recall meeting Marcia Bredeson, though the name sounds familiar and I knew Mike of course. All I can say is I think it’s great if y’all can swing it! Let me know what you want to do while you’re here.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr. is an author I have always been going to read but never have - I read a couple short articles for a course once - maybe this year! I got the book on Campaign ’72 and will start it soon. Jay picked it up day before yesterday and is already two-thirds of the way through it. He makes it sound fascinating. I just finished my first non-translated Spanish book, "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel García Marques. It was very entertaining and provoked a lot of questions in my brain. - worth the effort!

So you too have arrived at the conclusion that the folks spoiled you! I’m half tempted to agree with you like Marcia did & leave you in a labyrinth of self-doubt and self-depreciation! But, seriously, Joyce I know has felt that way always, and Donna I think feels everybody got a better shake than she did, but I have my own theory. First, I think us kids suffer from feelings of inferiority and related feelings of self-pity which are out of line with reality. On the other hand the parents do like you in a special way, perhaps, ‘cause of your personality. You’ve always been a "leader" in family matters - planning stuff, remembering birthdays, coming home to help out when it was needed. And besides, you’re animated, outgoing and likable compared to some of us introverts! Seriously, I think it’s just a matter of personalities and situations, and I don’t think you’re spoiled. Of course the older girls say I was spoiled for being the only boy in the family for so long! So fuck it anyway, Mary probably still calls me Buster to herself!

This letter is threatening to become a book, and I still have to write in my diary tonight. I started it on my way down to Costa Rica and hope I can keep it going for a year. I haven’t missed a day in almost a month, so I’m way ahead of previous attempts!

Hang in there & I hope to see you next month.

Love,

Dean

Card, January 18, 1976

{ Translation of cover and inside of card. }

Happy Birthday!
You’ll think I’m sending
you this card so as not to
buy you a gift …
… Aha! You are increasing
not only in years but
also in intelligence!

Hi Jan,

I just got a’hold of your letter of January 6 and hadn’t gotten around to sending a birthday card yet (sorry!) so you’re getting it all in one chunk! I’ve officially decided not to recognize birthdays (mine) after this year, so please remember never to send me another card. 24 years is a great plenty! My only condolence is that no matter what age I arrive at, 12 days later you go a year up on me. Thanks for being around to make me feel younger!

Dean

Journal, January 18, 1976 AM

Steve {Pamperin} gave me some Wisconsin cheese and some homemade caramels to take to the folks at El Maizal. They all liked the caramels, but Don Tin and Profy {Gomez}, who tried the cheese, weren’t overly enthusiastic. Profy wanted to know why it wasn’t white, and (not knowing) I turned the question around and asked him why cheese here was white when I had been used to yellow cheese back home.

I read the entire N.Y. Times Weekly Review yesterday, mostly on the bus from the capital to Metalío and later at the rancho {beach house}. Jay and I spent the afternoon reading at the rancho - he’s really getting into "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail ‘72" {by Hunter S. Thompson}.

About five Profy showed up looking for the doctor (owner of the rancho) and we talked a while about the marketing work they’re doing at El Maizal; he’s wheeling & dealing as always. He got in the pickup and I went upstairs to see if Jay wanted to go eat, and here comes 2 carloads of women and kids to take over the house for the night (the doctor’s daughter & friends).

Jay decided he was off for Sonsonate and I decided to sleep at El Maizal, so we packed up and mounted our bikes. Later we met Profy at Don Tin’s and agreed to help him take water to the folks at the rancho. We listened to Jay’s banjo pickin’ while the pilas {sinks} were fillin’ up. Only Profy & I enjoyed it, seemingly. Profy took Jay to Sonsonate, and here I am, writing in my tijera {cot} at El Maizal.

Journal, January 17, 1976 AM

I came in to the capital yesterday, to take my feces sample (after 3 weeks of pills for amoebas) and run some errands. <Jan, Donna and the folks sent me letters, but nothing from Sofia yet.> Jan says she is coming down in February with La Verne Holmes and his wife, if all works out. I’ll have to write her all I’ve heard about the trip, what to watch out for, etc. Donna has a boyfriend! I haven’t gotten fully used to the idea, since she never had one in highschool or anything, but I think it’s good. God how she’s matured mentally since I’ve been gone!

Mom sent pictures from Christmas, and some of mine I asked for copies of (and one I didn’t!) I love to get pictures! They really give you a feel of the life somewhere where you aren’t! Mom also said my package got there at last (on my birthday if you can believe it!) and everything arrived in good shape. She asked me some questions about stuff in it. It took nearly 2 months to get there!

I changed over ¢200 to bucks, so now I have nearly $200 stashed for going to Costa Rica in February. I’ll go with Jaime if Jan don’t make it, and try to talk her & La Verne into going if she comes. Workin’ it all out will be hectic, but there’s some real potential for a great trip!

I spent the night at Steve Pamperin’s apartment in Santa Tecla (and am writing in the tijera {cot} in his room this morning). He just returned from spending Christmas in Wisconsin and brought back cheese, banana bread (with chocolate chips) and homemade caramels! I sampled all 3 of course! He also brought me a Timex watch, which is really decent! As I told him, it’ll take some time to get used to having a watch that works again!

Steve actually went snowmobiling just like he said he would! He said he got used to the cold quickly, and gained 12 pounds on the good food. He really got around, saw a Packer game, visited friends, etc., really enjoyed every minute.

Now it’s back to work, I told Steve about my doubts and reservations over the cattle project at El Maizal. He didn’t say a word, but I don’t think he fully understands the situation, or agrees with my analysis. I told him about my plan to study physics too. It confounded him at first, but he kind of understood, and even admitted he’d have liked to have had some physics at the university. It’s getting ever easier to expose my once deep, dark secret. Most folks close to me know now and no big deal.

Ed Shiffer came over & I gave him a picture from El Maizal that my folks sent by mistake. It’s of Jay Mathes and some friends of Ed’s standing by the little haystack we made there. I’ll send the other copy to Jay. Ed gave me some El Maizal pictures to give to folks there too. He hopes he can make it out there again soon. He really enjoyed that jaunt in August; planting maicillo {sorghum}, plowing with oxen, making hay and digging on the silo. He loved the chance to leave his office and do some physical labor.

{some text not transcribed}

Journal, January 15, 1976 PM

Jay really got going, telling stories about his past after we sent up the balloon last night. The balloon went up just beautiful, very high and you could follow it because of the kerosene-soaked cloth which kept burning (keeping the balloon up of course). It was the first hot air balloon I ever saw go up - I have to try it some time! Anyway, he was telling about all the crazy shit he and his buddies did up in Moscow, Idaho. The most unreal was his sending some speed in an envelope with a letter for the Idaho state motor vehicle department! He had been in an accident & had to send in a statement, so his girlfriend mailed it in an envelope in which he had been storing some speed and still had 2 or 3 tablets! He left for Peace Corps about then so doesn’t know if he’s wanted in Idaho or not. His stories kept Barry and I in stitches ‘till about midnight. As he says, he was lucky to get out of that situation when he did ‘cause he was pretty close to becoming a really bad character. He could have stumbled into serious trouble.

Well, today Barry left, and Jay went to Sonsonate to see him off, and I went to El Maizal. We shot up the young rabbits today. 4 have already died, some kind of virus I think. Profy {Gomez} finally paid me for the plastic for the silo we made last fall. ¢45 extra makes it look like I’ll for sure be heading to Costa Rica in February. I just can’t wait! {some text not transcribed}

Jay got back late, bringing watermelon & muskmelon seeds to plant here at the rancho {beach house}. He’s hitting the sack early & I think that’s a fair idea.

Journal, January 14, 1976 PM

Barry’s still here, but things are quieter right now than last night. Jay’s getting a little paper hot air balloon ready to send off tonight. I’ve never seen him launch one before, so I’m looking forward to it.

It was a slow day today, we did less even than yesterday at El Maizal - still playing with the rabbits. We spent the afternoon on the beach. Jay and I went out neck-high and he caught a couple decent rides on waves. I just got beat around a bit!

Jay and Barry really get off on cutting down Peace Corps staff, and hearing them planning ways to pimp out John, Dave and Chico is a riot. Jay’s talking about living in Guatemala and collecting his salary from Peace Corps El Salvador, and he’s 80% serious.

I read the rest of the pamphlet put out by the U.W. {University of Wisconsin- Madison} Physics Department on the graduate program. The work being done in elementary particle theory seems to be their #1 priority and exciting. It might be the best field to look for a lab job in to start out, see if I like it. I lean toward astrophysics, and mathematical and theoretical physics as a preferred specialization, but I need to get deeper into the field & get a taste of what folks do in each specialty, to decide.

The full weight of what getting married would mean hit me in the hammock reading this afternoon. <Sofia probably wouldn’t be able to study in the States unless & until she mastered the language and started naturalization procedures.> If she keeps her Costarican citizenship, it could be real expensive (and I’d never try to force her to give it up!). Also, she won’t be in any position to work, so I’ll have to take a near full-time job and try to study on the side. I could do it, and if she keeps on being so “cariñosa” {affectionate} I’d love to have her with me, but the idea of postponing the marriage and going whole-hog into studying physics for a spring and summer, still appeals to me. It’d give me a chance to find out if its really what I want, and give her a chance to get through 2 years of college there. Then if she really doesn’t want to attempt college in the U.S. she’s still got 2 years - a good general background. I expect to put it all to her on my next trip, and see what she thinks. As Louie Michelson used to say, "What difference will it make 100 years from now?"

Journal, January 13, 1976 PM

I’m having a tough time getting thoughts together tonight because Barry Goldberg, a PCV {Peace Corps Volunteer} who just terminated, is here in the beach house and he and Jay are rapping away. I just can’t shut it out, and every once in a while they draw me into the conversation.

We finished the rabbit hutches for our expectant mothers today and that’s about all I accomplished. <I tried to call Morena - not there - and wrote a letter to Sofia that didn’t satisfy me.> I wonder if I really could keep the relationship with her going strictly by mail from back in the States for the better part of a year. After learning what real affection is, a year of “cold turkey” could be even more than a Spartan like me can handle. Shit, I’m not tired enough to sleep, may as well chuck this and write another quick letter.

Journal, January 12, 1976 PM

It was fucking cold last night, never would have believed you could have so much temperature change in one day back in Wisconsin. Or maybe we don’t notice it because of the heating and wearing heavy clothes.

We only worked the morning at El Maizal today - taking care of the rabbits and starting to build hutches on the backs of two more cages for the expectant mothers we have. So this afternoon I got my application for U.W. {University of Wisconsin- Madison} filled out and set to mail, and this evening I ripped off 3 letters - two more and I’m through the holiday rush! As Jay commented tonight, that postman in Metalío has got to be starting to wonder about all the letters we send to the U.S. I’ve sent 2 or 3 a day every day since I got back here! Maybe he figures we’re reporting boat traffic in and out of Acajutla for an unfriendly power (like Honduras)!

All those letters burned me out for today, so ...

Letter, January 12, 1976

Hi Donna,

I don’t have your address, so am writing you at home. I appreciate your writing me because I really hear very little about what you’re doin’ from Mom. For example, I knew you were in technical school in the Rapids {meaning Wisconsin Rapids}, but no one told me what you were studying or what kind of a career you were shooting for. When you get to be a dietetic technician you can try to analyze my diet – rice, red or black beans, white cheese, thick cream, a little meat, sometimes plantains or other vegetables, pop or "frescos" made of tamarind seed coating – lots of luck! Seriously, it sounds like you’re doing O.K. Hope you enjoy your on-the-job in Merrill. It should give you a pretty good idea what it will be like day-to-day on the job.

My mind is really ticking away since I got back from Costa Rica! I want to get my job here straightened around and headed in a positive direction. Today I filled out an application for the U.W. {University of Wisconsin – Madison} for next year. (I applied for all year but only figure on going second semester, after I get out of Peace Corps.) And I’m trying to stay out of San Salvador & save money so I can go back to Costa Rica in February! I don’t suppose you can see any logical connection between those 3 things, but I’m working it all up into an elaborate master plan which I expect to spring on the world when I finish working out the fine details!

I took a long ride on my ten-speed bike yesterday. I can really get off on just truckin’ along looking at the countryside & it’s great exercise too. I rode up to a beach called La Barra de Santiago which you have to get to in a little launch {boat} over some marshy backwaters. The ride in is beautiful, but the beach is littered with trash – too popular with the average guy! I can be fussy about where I swim since I have the ocean at my front door, and this beach has only private "ranchos" {beach houses} so it isn’t crowded & is very clean. I love watching the sun go down over the ocean so much that I took 3 pictures of it one night (they are in the roll I just sent home).

I’m reading my first book in Spanish – other than a translation of "Profiles in Courage" that I read some time ago. The title would translate as “One Hundred Years of Solitude” and it’s by a Colombian author. It’s a very entertaining book – which is good because I am always having to look up words in my 2 dictionaries (Spanish-Spanish or Spanish-English) and that can be tedious.

Well, I hope things continue to go well for you, and I’ll be lookin’ you up to say "hi" in another 10 or 11 months when I reach Yankee soil again! Hope I don’t have to wait ‘til then to hear more from you!

Take care,

Dean

Journal, January 11, 1976 PM

I got my exercise for the week this morning by taking the bike down to the Barra de Santiago. It was about 14 kilometers each way. The backwaters which you go through in the launch to get to the beach were pretty - lots of trees - but the beach was full of palm leaf covered huts & cheap dirty tiendas & comedors {stores & restaurants}. There was lots of garbage lying around and already quite a few people on Sunday morning. Obviously it’s a popular beach for the working class Salvadoran - a great place not to be for Semana Santa {Easter week}.

I came back to the rancho {beach house} and lied around all afternoon - read some more of "Cien Años de Soledad" {A Hundred Years of Solitude} - it’s entertaining and great for my Spanish vocabulary & comprehension, but I am ready to finish it and go on to something else.

Jay and I did some B.S.’ing. He thinks he could make it through M.I.T. and then be assured of a $25,000 starting salary. A great idea if a lot of other sharp young capitalists with more solid college records than Jay’s didn’t have the same idea. Jay thinks Americans should learn to accept a high unemployment rate as a natural consequence of our economic system and not look down on the unemployed guy, but give him the money to live on and let him work on crafts or study or whatever interests him. It may happen, but it’s not a life I could take or even accept so easily for the other guy while I was workin’.

Jay told me today that Cat was livin’ with another guy when he went back to the states. He told me before he left he was thinking of asking her to come down and live with him - even get married. It’s the second girl (that is that he’s mentioned) who he fell for too late, only after she was gone and he realized how much he missed her. Jay just can’t make up his mind in time. I worry ‘cause I’m a hem’er & a haw’er too. <If Sofia’s as good for me as it seems, better to jump right into it and not let her slip away while I’m thinkin’ it over!> Things may be tough at the start, but what the hell, they seldom turn out as bad as I can imagine them!

Journal, January 11, 1976 AM

How time does go by, it’s been a week now since I left Costa Rica. {some text not transcribed}

I got in a little dancing yesterday. There was an afternoon (Saturday) dance at El Maizal and Elena showed up, so I did some dancing with her. I told her I had a "novia" {girlfriend} in Costa Rica now and she just smiled - I don’t know if she took it as serious or no. I’m so honest with women I don’t even believe it! Yet, it’s a whole lot simpler and avoids all kinds of hassles - I just can’t take being hassled.

I told Professor Castillo how I thought the cattle project could be a big mistake for El Maizal and he agreed completely (and so readily it surprised me). That’s good for moral support, but to get it called off I’ll have to convince Fredy Saguerro, Profy Gomez and maybe Padre {Father} Serrano that 20 cows would not be in their best interest even if they are free. You can’t play this game of, "wait and see what we’ll do with them", with 20 head of cattle!

<I wrote to the University of Wisconsin (U.W.) and to the U.S. Embassy to ask questions concerning Sofia & her possible future status last night.> I also found a U.W. application blank which I think I can use to apply for next year. Figure I’ll apply in the fall for all year & then just go spring semester when I get back.

Journal, January 9, 1976 PM

Just finished writing the folks & I finally had to tape the envelope shut after trying 3 & no stickem! Jay made it back to Metalio today - brought his bike on the bus from Sonsonate. He really had a great trip. That ballooning project in Peru was apparently a really big deal even though I never read about it in the papers here. They set it off in the middle of the desert near the famous "lines" and flew it 3 minutes. He says there is a 77 year-old German archeologist who has spent 25 years there studying the amazing "lines" and other huge forms and trying to get the surrounding villages to protect them from careless tourists. She went ape shit over the ballooning expedition which brought government recognition of the value of this archeological wonderland and with it protection of the forms - for the sake of future tourists & archeologists.

Jay came back with all kinds of offers of possible work in future ballooning expeditions. The most concrete being the Central American ballooning meet to be held in Guatemala the last weekend in February. He figures to quit Peace Corps in March to go back to the U.S. and earn money for a ballooning venture in Guatemala in September. He’s just bubbling with plans & enthusiasm, but all for ballooning & none for El Maizal or Peace Corps.

He agrees with me that it’s foolish for El Maizal to get cows, but I don’t know if that’s good or bad because he doesn’t really want to do anything at El Maizal but hang around (and only mornings) anyway! Whit Lawrence says he’ll be ready to sign the contract with the CREDHO bosses for the picadora (silage chopper), scale & other stuff next week, so we got to make up our minds if we keep the illusion floating or throw in the monkey wrench fairly soon.

I filled out lots of rabbit cards today and did nothing else of even passing interest - save taking a picture of Alfredo & the goats (new babies & all), which I sent home to the folks for developing along with my Costarican photos!

Letter, January 9, 1976

Hi folks,

You should see my letter to Carla before you see this one, so I will assume you know all about what happened in Costa Rica. <I hope to go back down there in February with Jaime Olson to see Sofia again and give things a chance to develop.> (Don’t worry, I would never get married without giving y’all 2 weeks notice!) The Castillo Murillo family – the family I stayed with for training and again this Christmas sent you a card, in Spanish of course, so I am sending along the translation on a little notebook sheet. They would love to hear from you folks if you find the time to write a card (don’t write a long letter since they’d have to get it translated, etc.). They hit me for a picture of my whole family when I was there. Any help would be appreciated!

I am also sending home a roll of film – mainly of pictures I took in Costa Rica. I need copies of nearly all of them to give to folks when I go back, so I’ll give you a detailed list of what I took on the other side of this sheet. I hate to put you to the trouble of developing pictures and sending them back, but those I had developed here were really bad – poor color, scratches, etc. – and they never get it straight which pictures you want more copies of.

I’m slowly getting back into my daily routine again. I just didn’t want to come back from Costa Rica & now that I’m here I find it hard to get back into my work. Having had time to think about it & be away from it, I see clearly of how little value the work I’m doing is. I enjoy living on the level of the peasant farmers though, learning the language and their customs, but at times I feel severely unemployed. Actually, I can go beat my head against the wall doing field-hand work any time I want, but that doesn’t justify my being here either. Mostly I just feel part of a game called foreign aid which our country plays all over the world, and certainly wastes a lot of money doing, if I can generalize what I see here to other areas!

Here’s the rundown on the photos:

	Copies for me
1) Looking toward Acajutla port from beach in front of where I live	0
2) The beach house where Jay Hasheider & I usually sleep	0
3) Sunset over the Pacific at Metalio & birds	0
4)     "     "     "     "	0
5)     "     "     "     "	0
6) <Jaime Olson, Pilar Campos G. (his fiance), Mrs. Campos, Sofia,	2
sister Sofia's sister (near electric plant in San Antonio)>
7) Jaime & Pilar in front of the pools, Ojo de Agua swimming resort	2
8) <Sofia’s sister, Sofia, Jaime & Pilar at Ojo de Agua>	2
9) The Castillo Murillo family and Rita Klukazewski, a Peace Corps trainee	2
10) <Sofia and her grandparents at their house in Alajuela, Costa Rica>	2
11) <Sofia, her 3 sisters, Luis (a boy friend) and Maria de Los Angeles in	2
front of Ed Stoll’s House (New Year’s eve)>
12) <Same picture, but I’m in there (Sofia’s the one beside me)	3
& Luis is out>
13) Same folks & a few more, taken by a Spanish teacher I know (Jose)	3
14) <The Castillo Murillo family plus Sofia, me, Sofia's sister, Rita & Dennis	5
(another Peace Corps Volunteer who stayed with them)>
15) Some neighbor girls, taken by Mrs. Castillo Murillo as a remembrance	1
16) <The Castillo Murillo family plus Sofia, taken in front of their home>	3
17) The El Maizal goats, featuring 3 new arrivals & the goatherd	1
18) A picture in front of the main building at El Maizal	0
19) Looking back at the shed & water tank from in front of the school	0
20) Ox cart going down the road in front of El Maizal & Don Pedro in there	0
somewhere

That’s 28 pictures in all; hope it doesn’t break you! Send them in a letter or letters instead of a package because it costs a fortune to get packages out of the post office. I haven’t got your cookies yet, but a friend told me they wanted $25 to get out a package he received & he told them to keep it! What about my package, did it ever make it or get lost in the mail? If it didn’t come let me know ‘cause they gave me a receipt for it & I can go in and check up on it.

Well I hope everyone’s new year is off to a good start! Mine started off great, but threatens to bog down and be a lot like last – except for trips to Costa Rica for resuscitation!

Wishing you all peace and tranquility in the year ahead,

Dean

Journal, January 8, 1976 PM

<I just got through holding my only picture of Sofia and my only of Morena up to the light bulb here in the beach house.> I don’t know what that was supposed to help me decide, but it is clear that my feelings about the two of them have developed very differently. I made the move, all the moves really, to try to get to know Morena after meeting her by chance twice in San Isidro, and while she’s always been very nice, she has a coyness and self assurance about her that is very sensual. She made me just want to take her to bed and show her what all you can do with a man besides talk! I doubt she realizes how strongly I felt about her at one time, though some of the looks she’d give me made me wonder - I could never say anything even vaguely sexually suggestive to her, just too afraid the truth would slip out I suppose.

<With Sofia, I was always cast in the role of the counterpuncher (my usual role in life, as a generality).> She wrote me, I wrote back, she invited me to a party the night we arrived, I decided to hang around San Antonio and get to know her better, she said she was in love with me, and I was caught flatfooted and flabbergasted! But it’s all been so direct and honest with her - I told her about Morena, I told her that I was amazed at her certainty that I was the dude she wanted, mentioning her youth and inexperience. Actually it happened too fast for me to be anything but honest and open, even if I’d wanted to.

So now I will just be friends with Morena - maybe she’s never wanted more. <It will be tough, because she just strikes me as a sensual person, but I won’t let myself go beyond that as long as I’m committed to Sofia.> I’m just too sensitive a person to get into "love triangles", it would fuck up my mind too much. <Maybe that’s part of what attracts me to Sofia, she’s so afraid of being hurt too!>

As you can tell by the Peyton Place style beginning of tonight’s entry, nothing exciting happened today! Jay didn’t even show up. I made rabbit feeders from hollow bricks, put a "hutch" on one cage and helped wean and move around a bunch of the El Maizal rabbits. One of their goats had twins today, shooting down the cook’s theory that Tío {Uncle} Sam {the billy goat} could only father one kid per freshening {pregnancy} because he only had one testicle! I’ll have to go talk with her tomorrow & see what new theory she comes up with.

The guy who takes care of the rabbits and goats wanted to know today what ever became of Morena. <I gave him the whole story and showed him Sofia’s picture.> He said she was “muy bonita” {very pretty}, but wanted to see one of Morena for comparative purposes! <I had always been careful in explaining to the El Maizal folks, that Morena was an “amiga” {friend} and not a "novia" {girlfriend} so he wanted to know what status I put on Sofia.> I assured him she was a "novia"!

Letter(2), January 8, 1976

Hi Carla,

Thanks much for the letter, it’s nice to get one from someone new – fresh handwriting to look at and all that! Seriously, I’d just as soon you didn’t write me too often since I got so God awful many letters for Christmas that it’ll take me a month to answer then all!

The first thing that comes to mind to say to ya, is how much you have changed in the year & a half since I last saw ya, but that sounds like what Aunt Mabel & Aunt Mildred used to say about me so I can’t say that! Seriously, it’s easy to see you’ve stopped being a "tierna" {child} and started becoming a "señorita" {young woman}, which is all for the better ‘cause little kids never have any real fun anyway!

Your comments about the Bicentennial are very reassuring. At times I’ve thought I would really be missing something, being out of the States during "our two hundredth birthday", but Yankee Doodle Crunch I can do without! All I’m really going to miss is a chance to maybe sneak up to Canada for part of the Olympics next summer. That is a shame.

I just got back from a great trip to Costa Rica the 6th. It was so beautiful there! The rainy season had just ended, so there was no rain, but flowers were out and everything was green like springtime. The weather was cool and breezy like early June or late May in Wisconsin. I ate more tamales there than in my whole previous life! They make tamales for Christmas like we make cookies, seafoam or fruitcake. People dance and visit more over Christmas there, and don’t go so overboard with gifts like we consumer-glutton Americans. (Partly because of the generally more humble financial situation of the people.) I’ve never been treated so hospitably as folks there treated me, and I told the Castillo Murillo family, truthfully, that it was one of the best Christmas seasons I had ever spent.

By the way, (since I told Jan, I have to tell ya’ll too) I fell in love with a "tica" (slang for Costarican woman) during my visit to Costa Rica and if my balloon don’t go and bust you may hear a good deal more about her. As you know, I’m one of the last persons on earth who should ever have been expected to fall in love (much less have the audacity to say so), but unless the whole thing ends as quick as it started – I could be in big trouble. Lord knows I’m too young to speak about unmentionables like marriage. <I got some pictures of her (her name’s Sofia) on the next roll of film I’m sending home – along with 3 of her 6 sisters, Jaime Olson (a Wisconsin boy!) and his fiancé, and my Costarican family from training.>

Whew! This turned out to be a long letter, and I only wanted to acknowledge yours and tell ya to write again sometime, sorry.

Take care,

Dean

Letter, January 8, 1976

Hi Jan,

What a shame! I wrote you a really beautiful letter, the words fairly flowed from my pen, but then somewhere between the telephone office and home I lost it and so here goes a second try. I feel almost my old cynical self tonight, so you may never know how eloquent I can be at my best!

What I got so eloquent about was my trip to Costa Rica - I enjoyed almost everything about it. My family from training received me like one of their own and I was pleased to be able to communicate much better with them than I ever could during training. They wouldn’t hear of me staying with anyone but them! Jaime’s fiancé and her family are really wonderful people. I can see why he keeps going back to Costa Rica every chance he gets. They have set the date for November 20th and will go back to the States afterwards (he’s from Neenah, Wisconsin). The weather was perfect while I was there, the rains were just over with & everything was green, many plants flowering, and the weather cool and breezy (after El Salvador). I have to admit though, I may have seen Costa Rica a little rosier than it really was, because I fell in love while I was there. Now you know that’s serious because, like most members of our family, I don’t use the word love in normal conversation! It all happened so fast and so easily that my cynical side is still not completely sure it wasn’t a mirage or something. I guess when her first letter gets here from Costa Rica I’ll be fully convinced it’s for real. {some text not transcribed} I’m not ready to explain any more particulars of how it came about, or say how far ahead I’m planning, but the situation is dangerous to my bachelorhood (to sum up quickly)!

If you come down here in February (or any other time before about November), what say we hop a bus down to Costa Rica? It’s a nice place to visit! I may become the number 2 travel agent for Costa Rica in Peace Corps El Salvador (after Jaime Olson) before the year is out!

Thanks for the rundown on what other family members are doing and where their minds are at. It’s the next best thing to being there because our minds still run down many of the same paths. As to the guitar, I sold it to a Salvadoran - there should be a picture of him playing it at a party, if it turned out. I sold it at a loss, but he played it so well, it belonged with him.

I have two big favors to ask, if you got time. First, I need a U.W. application and financial aid form(s). I plan to apply for the whole year, but only go second semester after I get out of Peace Corps and go to Jaime Olson’s wedding. I still plan to study physics. As I told Jaime, I need to try one more round of intellectual study & if that doesn’t satisfy me, or at least hold my interest more than I believe alternatives would, I’ll be ready to think about going farming. Jaime & I have joked some about going farming in Costa Rica or Australia. He’d be the guy to do it with if I ever thought that’s what I wanted!

Second, I’d like you to give me a rundown, if you would, on the situation for U.W. students right now. Anything and everything, like the part-time job situation, tuition costs, housing & food costs, and what kind of atmosphere the University {of Wisconsin} projects now. I’ve read in the New York Times that lots of folks are studying, and heard somewhere that there were 38,000+ students at U.W.-Madison, so things must be crowded!

I really love hearing from ya!

Dean

Journal, January 7, 1976 PM

I’m almost too burned out to write any more tonight. I’ve already written 3 letters - two in Spanish - and called Morena tonight. Then I went and lost the letter to Jan and may have to rewrite it. <Starting from the beginning, I wrote Jan about Sofia & asked her to get me a U.W. {University of Wisconsin} application form as well - and fill me in on the situation for "student n*****s" in the present U.S. economic stagnation. I called Morena about the books and told her about Sofia (as I promised).> She showed no emotion, only said that they say ticas {Costarican women} are friendlier, but Salvadoran women are better lovers. Wonder if she meant that as a slight reprimand or perhaps a word of warning? Anyway she is still checking into the book thing and gave regards to my family. <Next I wrote Sofia - nothing heavy just hi, how ya doin’, I luv ya, I been doin’ such & such.> I wrote to Doña Carmen and her family, finally, to let them know I arrived safely & all.

I should probably never have told Jaime about my opportunity to attend Harvard and other top law schools, next I had to tell him about my grade point & this morning over breakfast he inquired what courses I had gotten AB’s instead of A’s in. He’s given me some of the customary ribbing, but has promised not to tell other folks about it. I have enjoyed being accepted as just another person, and not stereotyped as a "brain" while in Peace Corps. I’m not sure it would make that much difference, but I like things like they are.

I talked to Profy {Gomez} today about my doubts about the cattle demonstration project’s feasibility at El Maizal, and its value to the overall goals of the training school & CREDHO. He still is gung-ho to do the project, but I believe I’ve gotten him to think a little about the initial outlays and special care a cattle project entails, and about the fact that we aren’t currently working with ganaderos {cattle farmers}, yet we would be establishing a system only ganaderos with 10+ cows could utilize. As always he has 10 projects running through his mind at once.

I enjoyed bullshitting with the folks at El Maizal and in Metalio most of the afternoon. I told them I didn’t want to come back from Costa Rica, I had a novia {girlfriend} there now and all that.

Images, January, 1976

{ Example of a piece of mail that had a rough trip between Central America and the US. }

{ Back of a piece of mail that had a rough trip between Central America and the US. }

Fred & Clarita in front of their little cafe in San Salvador. He's an American ex-sailor, and she's Salvadoran. He serves the most authentic, cheap hamburgers in town.

Central market in Armenia, Sonsonate taken from a bus window. { The bus between Metalio and San Salvador always stopped in Armenia. }

Alfredo, the guy who took care of the goats & rabbits at El Maizal, with a newborn kid.

Front view of El Maizal farmer school & demonstration farm. The sign says Merry Christmas.

A pole frame building of bahareque (mud & stick) and straw construction. They tied the poles together with wire and made a thatched roof that shed water pretty well.

An oxcart in front of El Maizal.

Journal, January 7, 1976 AM

I spent most of yesterday chasing around on errands and never did get out to Metalío. <After finally writing in this journal, I scribbled off a semi-incoherent letter to Sofia saying I missed her and loved her, and I hoped she’d get into studying at the University, and about our bad luck with the bus.> I’ll try to write a more coherent letter one of these nights when my mind’s right.

Went to Peace Corps office and picked up a bundle of letters from the States. Got a birthday card from the folks with letters from Mom, Donna & Carla enclosed. Carla’s really changing, she’s going through puberty & becoming a woman – won’t know her when I get back! She sent a photo & just wrote to say there wasn’t much to write about, but you could see she was starting to recognize herself as an individual and an adult. Donna has matured a good deal – has a house with 3 friends, and is thinking about studies and career (hospital dietetics). It’s very encouraging since I’ve always worried about her finding her own way, and recognizing her own worth. Mom wrote her customary calendar of daily events, & sent a picture of Dad from the Friendship Reporter {the local newspaper}.

Jan wrote a good letter saying she still hopes to make it down in February if she gets some money together. She gave a quick rundown of what the other siblings are into and their mental states. I really value that because it’s the next closest thing to being able to be there and analyze the situation myself. Jan & I have always had a lot of thoughts and attitudes in common.

Jay Mathes sent a letter in answer to my Christmas card, wishing me love and assuring me he wishes he was where I am. <I’ll have to write him about Sofia, & let him know how appropriate his letter sounded at the time I read it!> Jay’s convinced he’s living an illusionary life, & is looking for the real thing. It’s an easy attitude to develop in college, Jan has often expressed it, and I recall feeling it too in school. You are in a temporary, transitory state, and long for the permanent "real" state. He may still end up back down here in Peace Corps – but that’s a very temporary state too. I’m afraid it won’t satisfy him either – it hasn’t satisfied me.

I went to eat with Stan Krenz and Jaime. Stan’s a sociology grad. too, and yesterday hit us with some of the same things I’ve said to myself. He says sociology is fascinating to study, but no field to get a job in, & that he’ll probably go back to school to change his field (but not as drastically as I plan to). Stan says he just can’t imagine having a woman he could care about enough to forget all others, & be willing to settle down with – marriage is still for others & not for Stan. Yet it takes little insight to see that Stan, more than most men, needs a good faithful, loving & supportive woman (wife if bureaucracy must be bowed to) to give him the confidence and sense of purpose he lacks in his life.

Jay Hasheider’s back from Peru and the States. He had a good time but apparently found nothing he could permanently get into so he is back with Peace Corps and El Maizal.

Jaime & I stopped by Fred’s to eat supper. He’s teaching English daily now. He likes the money, but hates the work! Same old Fred, living day to day, and more or less happy with all his little problems & triumphs, and no big ones.